All The Heterosexual Nonsense I Was Forced To Endure During Episode 7 Of ‘The Bachelorette’

Hello, and welcome to Junkee’s recaps of The Bachelorette Australia, where we watch episodes of The Bachelorette Australia and try to pretend we’re OK with all the hetero nonsense we see in front of us.

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Is this the only class I did well in during high school, because there sure is a lot of DRAMA tonight.

I did really well in drama, that’s the joke, what can I say. ANYWAY.

Ooft, remember only last week when I was talking about how wholesome this show was? Well, I was wrong. I was a tiny foolish boy, strapped to the rocket of hubris, blasting towards the giant ball of being wrong that sits in the sky.

This episode is SO FULL OF DRAMA. I HATE IT. I just want the good boy friends to be back! I just want Angie to be happy. Christ. We were so much younger then, before the fire nation attacked.

Obviously Jamie is behind pretty much all of this, but frankly, people are on edge! Maybe they’re sick of sleeping in bunkbeds. I would last literally one night max sleeping in a room with a single other person, let alone a man, let alone 18 other men. I’d be so cranky! They really do sleep in bunkbeds, or maybe I made that up.

THAT is true heterosexual nonsense. Bunkbeds are not queer culture, don’t interrogate me.

You may have noticed that my wonderful co-recapper Rebecca Shaw isn’t here today — it’s because she’s at the hospital with her ex, which is a lesbian ritual. She’ll be back one day! But until then, we’ll have to settle with me.

Let’s RANK.

Least Annoying

Jackson

There was a big group date game, and I hated it. It’s such cursed energy to start with.

Basically, the idea was to change a fake baby, and then dress a mannequin as if it was a school child, and basically be a good dad. I hate it so much! Jamie basically murdered his child and tried to claim that as a victory, running to the end with a headless, armless corpse. Go off.

But Jackson was fucking KEEN to be a dad, and that was originally very annoying to me, because I can’t relate, but it won him a date. He said “I could be a 25 year old DILF” and… I don’t understand, but I guess I love it for him. I suppose somebody has to be a dilf.

Anyway, they had a date, it seemed not good to me, but when he got a rose, he said “giddy up” lol.

Timm

Timm’s chaos energy continues to delight me. “I could definitely see myself as a dad. I reckon I’d kill it! No the baby…”

Haydn

Haydn does NOT want children, and I respect that! Neither do I! Children are only good for creating a family band, and honey, I cannot sing or play any instruments.

Carlin

Carlin got a date, and he got real objectified by Angie. And now me. I really appreciate all his personality.

I literally took 1000 shots of him in a tank top btw.

Most Annoying

Jamie

WHAT a surprise. This piece of shit. This absolute piece of shit.

Honestly, I’m at the point where I truly do think he could be an actor. I’m never on board with any of those conspiracy theories, but he’s so egregiously terrible, and stirring so much ridiculous trouble that it might be an answer?

So, Jamie has finally done the naming of names, calling out people he has decided are ingenuine in the house. And he picked out Carlin, saying that he’s been “peacocking around the house” claiming that he will be “The Bachelor 2020”.

After their date today, I can see how it would be super hard for Angie to hear this kind of conflicting info — plus she’s a smart lady, extremely savvy in the kinds of conversations and lies that are probably happening outside of her knowledge. She’s literally a professional TV watcher — so she knows!

And, frankly, trust is the hardest part of any relationship, and there is NO part of The Bachelorette process that is conducive to building trust. So, I don’t blame her for reacting the way she did. Plus she can’t be aware of how much of a dipshit Jamie is.

But, in the end, she talks to Timm, which is a smart thing to do. That boy doesn’t have the kind of brain that does the lies, and has exactly the right kind of chaos energy in a drama like this.

Meanwhile, Carlin confronted Jamie about having his name dragged through the mud, and said “I left high school a long time ago, you are 39, grow the hell up.” I love the sentiment, but I don’t think it’s about growing up tbh — I think Jamie has grown from a weird youth into a weirder adult. He’s reached his final, awful form.

And Jamie literally says “I’m happy to dig my own grave, but at least I’ll go home with dignity” and that’s… hilarious. Honey, no.

ANYWAY. The dank sorcery this all stirs up. Timm and Ryan and beautiful Ciaran all clash, because of a weird rose-based conspiracy theory, and my boys! I want my boys to get along.

But we end with Angie realising that she should believe Carlin over Jamie, and they reconcile. On a cliffhanger. Next week is gonna be big, and I think quite sad!

Never To Annoy Or Not Annoy Again

Haydn

Timm put it best, when during all the drama of the cocktail party he screams “and where’s Haydn? I’m pretty sure Haydn’s been gone for like two hours and nobody noticed”. Bye!

The Bachelorette Australia is on Channel 10 Wednesdays and Thursdays. We will recap every episode like FOOLS.

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Patrick Lenton is the Deputy Editor of Junkee. He tweets @patricklenton.