All The Heterosexual Nonsense I Was Forced To Endure During Episode 6 Of ‘The Bachelorette’
This is just a Ciarran stan account now.
Hello, and welcome to Junkee’s recaps of The Bachelorette Australia, where we watch episodes of The Bachelorette Australia and try to pretend we’re OK with all the hetero nonsense we see in front of us.
I’m VERY tired because my new fire alarm went off last night at 4am — and friends, you will be shocked to know there was no fire.
Why am I telling you this? Well, therapy is expensive, I miss Livejournal, and because I’m going to use it to make a point. This episode of The Bachelorette was VERY SIMILAR to my evening — there was a lot of squawking, and no fire! Lot of bip boops, no burny.
This is why they pay me the big bucks to recap this show, it’s little word tricks like this. So clever.
WRITING!
As per usual, this show really set up a big confrontation, a huge show-down, between the forces of good (Angie) and the last bad dude left in the house: Jamie. But, instead we got a whole lot of leadup, some dry disinterested foreplay.
Whatever! This might be the price we have to pay for getting rid of all the baddies so soon — the producers desperately trying to spin some weirdo into good content, while a bunch of fun, seemingly respectful lads play around.
There was some real nonsense going on, but I’m getting pretty bored of it! Anyway! Let’s RANK!
FOOD BOY
LEAST ANNOYING
Ciarran
THIS SWEET PIRATE BOY. THIS PERFECT COCKNEY NIGHTMARE. THIS MOUSTACHIOED BABY.
As my perfect counterpart, the Quirrel to my Voldemort, the second mischievous boy hiding under our joint trenchcoat, Rebecca Shaw pointed out, we LOVE Ciarran. We are just so into him. And that’s a lot of praise for a man. What have we become? Who ARE we?
Ciarran got his first solo date this week, and he turned up totally jazzed. “Looking dynamite as always, little funky outfit, yeah I’m feeling it.”
As a fancy peacock boy myself, I GET this mood. Which is also why I was absolutely screaming at how disappointed he was to have to put on a big, shapeless poncho and get in a jet boat, and have his perfect hair messed up. I’d hate that! But he persevered, confident that he would suitably rock the jet-boat outfit too.
Anyway, they had a zoom around, and it seemed like neither of them particularly loved it? But, you know, dates on TV can’t just be two good looking people drinking. There always has to be a BOAT.
im wet
But once they get to the fancy city-scape cocktails part of the evening, both of them looking a million buckaroos after the boat horror, they seem so much more in their element. And Angie decides to test Ciarran to see if he’s more than just a jokester, more than just a fancy boy.
And — surprisingly for this show — his deeper self totally worked! Angie was SHOOK. I was like DAMN THATS SOME GOOD CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT, and then I remembered he was a real person.
And then… they did a big smooch, and I was into it. They have chemistry. Angie was giving him that look… that real good smooch look. Ah, I ship this so hard. I love him.
this smiley boy
Men Calling Out Other Men
Angie’s gruff daddy played some weird truth or dare game with the boyos, and it was awkward for everyone involved.
I know we shouldn’t be validating the idea of male stoicism, and should be celebrating community and communication between groups of men, but honestly, I would have been happier for everyone if they’d just sat in companionable silence, rather than playing this weird game.
men men men
BUT the one notable part of this is that daddy asked who Angie should watch out for, and they were all pretty honest about how creepy Jamie was. More of this! Call out your creepy mates.
Angie’s Mum
Angie’s mum had the most amazing face when talking to Jamie. It was this mixture of wariness and pity that only the most oblivious weirdo could miss — so naturally Jamie thought it went really well, whereas actually she was very put off.
Most Annoying
This is no surprise — it’s JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMIE.
Obviously his whole “I’m creepy” thing has been well documented and explored — in fact, to ad nauseum. Actually, it’s the fact that this is still being pushed that makes things super annoying to me. The producers are making him hang around like a gross smell, bumming everyone out. They’re doing it for drama, and EVERYONE IS SO OVER IT. ANGIE IS OVER IT.
Most importantly, I am over it.
I could write about all the things he did in this episode. He huffed and puffed all over the goddamn place, said that he immediately recognised Angie’s parents from Instagram, and got all mad at the “boys” for “literally throwing him under the bus”.
Although weirdly, Jackson tried to play off the fact that they’d warned Angie’s parents about Jamie as a bit of a joke. I will agree, that was weird.
ANYWAY. SICK OF HIM. HATE HIM.
Never To Annoy Or Not Annoy Again
A man named Glenn left.
That is all. I have no further information about Glenn. Glenn.
Glenn.
who is glennnnnnnnnn
Glenn gone. Glenn close? no, glenn very far away now.
bye
The Bachelorette Australia is on Channel 10 Wednesdays and Thursdays. We will recap every episode like FOOLS.
Patrick Lenton is the Deputy Editor of Junkee. He tweets @patricklenton.