All The Heterosexual Nonsense I Was Forced To Endure During Episode 1 Of ‘The Bachelor’

Hello, and welcome to Junkee’s recaps of The Bachelor, where we watch episodes of The Bachelor Australia and try to pretend we’re OK with all the hetero nonsense we see in front of us.

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I hope your hearts are clogged with hope and your arteries absolutely stiff with longing, because The Bachelor is back for 2020 and it could be the electrically-charged pads that will jump-start your ailing soul.

Hmm. There’s a nurse on this show, so I got a bit involved with medical imagery. Clear! Make the call! Anyway, more on that later.

Feels like only last week we were recapping Bachelor In Paradise. That’s a funny joke, due to the literal nature of what I just said. Sometimes saying things that have actually happened is funny, such as “the pandemic has trapped me inside, endlessly recapping various Bachelor franchise shows, going absolutely rotten from yearning and self-inflicted brain worms”.

A funny joke.

Bec Shaw and I, your Junkee recappers, are back for another spin on the “let’s monetise our barely restrained mania and anxiety and weaponise our gentle contempt towards straight dating” game, and boy oh boy are we excited. We actually are, we do love writing for you all, you (the fans) keep us going, keep us humble, and most importantly (in a recession) keep us employed.

We’re excited to continue our thrilling, “will-they, won’t they” energy (WILL they start crying over Messenger at 10pm on a Wednesday, god why won’t THEY stop???). I am so tired, what a way to start this season, weary beyond belief, spiritually and physically.

So! We have a big chunky new Bachelor, a man named Locky Gilbert, a high-octane, meaty young man who just loves to throw himself off things — and he ALWAYS “survives”. (what even happens on Survivor? i refuse to watch it because it promotes bandana culture irresponsibly)

“Our new Bachelor is not a man who scares easily — he has parachuted out of aeroplanes, helicopters, even hot-air balloons. The man can free dive 30 metres underwater on one breath of air. He has base-jumped from a building 45 stories high,” says Osher, breathlessly, and sure. I guess that’s impressive, but get back to me when you’ve manage to memorise 14 different spellings of the name ‘Brittney’ for your recap.

I gotta say that as far as large handsome daddy-style men go, he doesn’t seem too bad so far.

He seems nice and robust and stable, which I now realise is all ways you would describe a plinth, or perhaps a well-made table, but that’s high praise for a man tbh. Guys… we gotta be more plinthy. Fellas, we must be a plinth. Someone make me a white ribbon ambassador.

“I don’t expect girls to jump off buildings for me, but if they jump into my arms, that’s a start” he says, and it’s a good sign that he’s kinda corny, and definitely keen for some romance. I am… cautiously optimistic about this man not being a total monster, despite the fact I’m fairly sure we don’t have a single thing in common, and oh my god, it sounds like me browsing on Hinge.

So, if you’re new — here’s how things work. Usually we go through all the things in the episode, and rank them on a scale of how heterosexual annoying to how non-annoying they are. It’s very scientific.

As Osher said this episode: “what do they say when we’re base-jumping? Three, two, one — here’s a limo”.

Seems a weird catchphrase to me, but I LOVE its energy.

LEAST ANNOYING

Rosemary

While she may be one of Batman’s most ruthless nemesi, The Penguin has come on The Bachelor and pulled the ultimate heist: stealing all of our hearts.

Aww. I could write advertising copy. “If your man likes chicken, he might love Chicken Man.”

There’s always an annoying quirky girl in the early parts of this show, a very Zooey Deschanel smooshed with the lady from the Brand Safety ads vibe, who laughs and laughs and laughs, but has no sense of humour — and I thought it was gonna be Rosemary, based off the tiny little clue of the giant penguin outfit.

But, it isn’t! It looks like we have a couple of other contenders for that title, but I won’t throw stones, because the rent in my glass house is astronomical!

“I literally think I’m gonna poo my pants” she says, as Locky takes her away for the first “chat”. The way this show values and eroticises and weaponises the idea of “chats”. In my experience, getting taken aside for a “chat” usually means I’ve been way too mean on Junkee’s social media to weird old racist men again.

Anyway! Rosemary seems fun and delightful, and she’s VERY pretty, and Locky seems to be just blown away by the penguin outfit, making it a strong initial gamble.

This Beautiful Dog

A lady brought this gorgeous dog with her.

We didn’t learn a single thing about the lady, and that is the problem with bringing a beautiful dog with you — it will always outshine you. Currently, the beautiful dog is my top pick for winning the contest. I think Locky would be very lucky.

Approximately 43 Blonde Women In Gowns Who I Can’t Remember

They did not annoy me, because there were just so many people and it’s hard to remember. This is why you wear a goddamn penguin outfit. The last thing I see before I die will be Rosemary in the penguin outfit, dragging me to the sodomy section of hell.

Anyway, these women, they may annoy me later, idk.

MOST ANNOYING

Steph

Steph is the first person we see, and she seems fine, even lovely, IDK. What annoyed me was that her conversation with Locky, through no fault of her own, was the perfect example of the heaping pile of cringe that dating conversations can be.

“Burritos are my FAVOURITE. My favourite. BEEF is my favourite flavour” she yells, as if sharing the KEYS to her very SOUL. Finding someone who you don’t have to discuss beef burritos with is pretty extraordinary when you think about it.

“He was so gorgeous, he was keen for a burrito, not a spicy burrito, we can work on that,” she tells the camera later.

“Any girl who looks like Steph who can also smash a burrito, that’s amazing” states the Bachy, and lord gives me strength, I want to DIE. Stop talking about burritos. Just roll me into a roadside ditch and cover me with one of those scratchy blankets that makes you sneeze that lives in the bottom of your mum’s cupboard, because I am DEAD.

Izzy

Izzy seems to have two props, which as I always say, is two too many. One is her puffer, and she seems to imply that she wants Locky to give her an asthma attack? Yasss daddy, constrict my lungs, medically choke me.

The second is a plate full of chill, and… honestly… why do they want this large man to eat chilis so much? In gay culture, at least one of us usually doesn’t eat at all before a date, and certainly not chilli. Whatever, it leads to this line, which I think might be the worst thing I’ve ever heard:

“I’m looking for my spicy guy, do you think you can handle the heat?”

Areeba

“I would say about 80% I’m the boss”.

Zoe-Clare

Zoe-Clare said “redhead rights” and yasssss!!!! We love that! Redhead representation is SO important in this day and age. We need more redheads on our screens, telling THEIR stories, from THEIR unique perspectives.

I’m fucking joking — this is one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen, nobody was persecuting her because of her thin orange hair lol. I DIED. This was a dark moment of culture.

“I don’t want to go through this feeling different because of the colour of my HAIR” she SOBS.

Laura

It is AMAZING to find a bona-fide villain these days. But they really, really did.

I mean, to be transparent, Bec and I don’t do this recap to make fun of the women involved — we want to make fun of the men, and maybe gently rib some people for dating them. We are also aware of the ubiquity of the villain edit — it’s pretty amazing how this show can twist and cut and prune people’s words, slap some evil music over it, and create a ready made evil woman for us to hate.

But oh my god.

“My name is Laura, and I am a snob” she begins, and I was like… sure, own it I guess? My taste in cheeses is pretty fancy, so maybe I am too a snob?

But we then literally get abhorrent behaviour from her, where she talks up her expensive handbags and generally acts like an entitled, spoilt brat. If she was in some kind of murderous chocolate factory, you KNOW she would be getting some kind of candy related death that also taught her an ethical lesson.

Honestly, all that was pretty funny.

But the worst part of her behaviour was when she absolutely trashed Bali, which… was really yuck.

“It’s gross, Bali is GROSS” she says, seemingly implying that you would be lucky to make it back to Australia alive. 70,000 of Australia’s worst citizens go there every year, it’s FINE.

“You literally can’t brush your teeth with the water coming out of the tap, why would you want to live there when you could live in Perth”

Yuck. Kudos on finding her, every Bachy producer must have been rubbing their hands together, with big cartoon dollar signs in their eyes.

COVID-19

The PANDEMIC is going to interrupt this season, and instead of the Bachy forcing his brides to kayak off a skyscraper or whatever, the dates are going to be over Zoom, and let me tell you… that is some HETEROSEXUAL nonsense.

The coronavirus is straight culture, and it’s also going to be PARTICULARLY TRIGGERING to both your faithful recappers to watch people forced to experience romances online.

I am not excited about how this will play out.

 

NEVER TO ANNOY AGAIN

Two ladies, diddly-diddly-dee. I did not take down their names.

That is IT. We are DONE!

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The Bachelor airs on Channel 10 Wednesday and Thursday nights, and Junkee will be recapping both episodes. Rebecca Shaw is tomorrow night!

Patrick Lenton is the Editor of Junkee. He tweets @patricklenton.