Every Contestant On ‘The Bachelor’ Ranked By How Likely They Are To Murder The Bachelor

We’re only hours away from The Bachelor stomping onto our screens like a huge naughty toddler, who will NOT go to bed, even though he is VERY tired.

I don’t know a lot about this season, except that our big boy Bachy this year is a man named Locky Gilbert, who was apparently a contestant on Survivor. I do not watch Survivor, because I believe it is appropriating Destiny’s Child culture, and also because of the prohibitive standards of hygiene on the show. Yucko.

I have a feeling that I will not be particularly moved towards empathy with Locky, and the fact that he has misspelled his own name doesn’t hurt. That said, if he meets a woman named Key-ra, it will clearly be a match.

ANYWAY.

Speaking of women, one of the strangest conceits in The Bachelor is the idea that 22 women all living together would be interested in dating a man, and not indulging in a radical lesbian polycule commune — but once you accept that wild premise, the show really takes off.

While the show believes that it’s fostering an environment ripe for two people to fall in love in a highly sterile TV setting, I believe what it’s really creating is the perfect setting… for murder. And not because these woman are inherently sinister — although some are tbh — but because I can’t imagine spending that much time living off nothing more than free champagne, in a giant house with BUNK BEDS, trying to fall in love with a big straight dude, without accidentally murdering someone.

These women are smart, beautiful, powerful, and sometimes deadly — and deserve to be treated as such. Why wouldn’t they kill this idiot?

So, let’s rank every contestant on The Bachelor 2020 by how likely they are to murder Locky Gilbert, pulling info from their official bios.

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Roxi

Roxi states in her bio is that “the only prerequisite this Mechanical Engineer has is that he [The Bachelor] can’t be smarter than her…”, so it sounds like she will be happy as a clam, and therefore have no murderous instincts throughout the entire show.

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Marlaina

“I’ve tried the online dating scene and dating in real life wasn’t working either, so with a glass of wine one night I thought ‘wine not?'” writes Marlaina.

Anyone who commits so deeply to a gentle pun like this doesn’t have a homicidal bone in their body, and in fact has delightful “mum after three chardonnay” energy. We wish them the best, and hope they get out of the mansion before the blood starts spilling.

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Marg

When asked how she would handle confrontation in the Bachelor mansion, Marg (it’s either short for Margarita or Margarine, and both are LOVELY) answered with the classic line “I really don’t like catty behaviour, but I am not afraid of defending myself and being honest if needed”.

Translated, this means — “I LOVE catty behaviour, and I will start confrontation every single time”.

She is this low down the list because she will not murder Locky, she will be murdered by one of the other women before she even gets the chance.

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Leilani

Leilani is apparently a “Partnerships Manager” for her work, so I would imagine she would be very good at managing her partner, ie, not bonking him on the head with a huge wooden mallet until he dies from a bad case of flat brain.

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A Bunch Of Blonde Women I Didn’t Count

They are unremarkable, in the sense that I couldn’t get a firm handle on whether or not they would murder someone. That’s probably a compliment when you think about it.

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Laura

OK, now we are starting to cook with gas. Laura says that her “ideal man will treat her like a queen” and that she has “high expectations and expects others to follow her example.”

There’s nothing that men do better than to let you down, so I think this is what we call a “motive”, when we find Locky impaled on top of some kind of garden stake used to prop up roses in the Bachy mansion.

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Areeba

Areeba is described as “a passionate woman, who is easily fired up”.

I mean… I already want to run Locky over with a squad of rowdy children in dodgem cars, and I’ve never met the guy, and I am FAMOUSLY calm. I did yoga one, because I got it free from workers comp, I am extremely zen.

Areeba will last two minutes before hearing the Kill Bill music and embarking on a glorious revenge romp through the mansion, after some heterosexual nonsense.

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Izzy

Occupation: HR Advisor.

There is no industry more psychotic than HR. And a person who ADVISES them? Horrifying.

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Georgie

Georgie seems harmless, but she says that one thing she’s looking for is a man with “a sneaky BIG heart”… Does she need it to be big so she can STAB it easier???????

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Zoe-Clare

“Fiery and sassy, Zoe-Clare has no filter”. Cool, is not wanting to push somebody off the top of a tall hotel considered a “filter”?

Also, people don’t realise this, but her name was originally just Zoe, until she murdered someone named Clare and absorbed her name. That’s what people with hyphenated names are — cold-blooded monsters, who proudly bear the name of their conquered foe.

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Kristina

Kristina describes herself as: “Intelligent, loyal and sporty, Kristina is a keen boxer who isn’t afraid to face anyone head on.”

She says that “gaslighters need not apply” and that a dealbreaker for her is “bad communication”.

With absolutely no malice or spite, Kristina will end up beating Locky to death with her bare hands, because he is a man, and therefore only able to spit filthy lies from his stupid mouth. It won’t so much be murder, as just a fight that she wins, resoundedly and fairly.

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Nicole

Many of nature’s most poisonous animals are the most brightly coloured.