All The Heterosexual Nonsense I Was Forced To Endure During Episode 10 Of ‘The Bachelor’
The boys (girls) are back in town (the mansion).
Hello, and welcome to Junkee’s recaps of The Bachelor, where we watch episodes of The Bachelor Australia and try to pretend we’re OK with all the hetero nonsense we see in front of us.
Today is RUOK Day. R U OK? Are any of us OK? Is Ru Paul OK? Probably not, he is fracking. I don’t know if it’s just that I have my period (which I do THANKS), or if perhaps I am being impacted in some way by the global life-altering pandemic that we are experiencing, but wow did I have very little patience for this entire episode!
Usually when watching this series, Patrick Lenton (a delicious noodle that fell into a wishing fountain and came to life) and I are watching smugly up high from our queer vantage-point.
Like this, except not helping anyone.
This is because we are usually out and about being social and having fun and avoiding the pitfalls of heterosexual nonsense, so that when we tune into The Bachelor once a week, we find it an enjoyable jaunt into an alternative world. It’s like a fun version of The Upside Down in Stranger Things! (Does this make sense, be honest. I watched the first season but I’ve forgotten everything, due to my brain now being as smooth as a pebble).
Whatever the case – it is different this year. It could be because it has been harder to enjoy the show as pure escapism, forcing me to see them more as real people that exist all around us and not characters for me to be mean about. But probably not. Tonight we saw the return to the mansion, and it was very subtly decorated.
I enjoyed the last few episodes when the cast was forced to move everything online, and upon their return to the house, I found myself getting easily annoyed. Okay…writing it out like this it seems as though I am just jealous and spiteful….and I am, baby! Sue me! It’s very annoying that they got to move back into real life, and instead of having fun, almost everyone sucked!
So let’s find out who sucked, how hard. In order. Like a ranking.
LEAST ANNOYING
Izzy
It was truly a struggle to find anything that I enjoyed about tonight’s episode, but dear precious Izzy was one of the bright spots. As she is every week. She is a true delight, a real Giggling Gertie, who just laughs and laughs and laughs.
LOL (Locky Oh Locky)
LMAO (Locky Makes Amazing Observances)
ROFL (Rolling On Floor Locky)
She arrived on the red carpet and immediately wheezed with laughter, which reminded her she’d forgotten her puffer in the limo. I loved that. I also loved that she said, talking about Locky, “I wouldn’t mind a pash from the big boy.”
Izzy is our queen.
Locky
Yet again, Locky arrives on the list. Look, is he MY type? No. Would we be friends in real life? No. Would HE want to be MY friend? No. Would we make very awkward small talk if stuck at a wedding table together? Yes, it would be excruciating. If I was celebrating my birthday and for some reason I slipped off the side of a roof and started to fall to my death, would he try to save me? I think so, yes. Are these hypotheticals getting annoying and proving nothing? That’s for you to decide.
Regardless of what Locky is like in real life and if he would save me from a roof fall, he has made a good Bachelor. Besides being a ginormous bearded muscly kangaroo that women seem to like the look of, he has the laid-back personality of a Honey Badger, along with the important ability to articulate his thoughts and feelings.
If you’re going to be on this show, you really have to go with it and do it earnestly, and he is certainly doing that. In this episode it was especially real when Bella arrived back to the mansion. In bad news for everyone else, this was Locky’s face when she arrived.
The man looks like he is seeing his bride walking up the aisle on their wedding day. I’m concerned about what will physically happen to his face on their actual wedding day.
I do.
In other bad news for the rest of the women, this also happened in their reunion.
Now you could say that his reaction to Bella indicates further proof that she definitely is going to win and nobody else has a chance, but I suppose you never know in this wild and wacky world!
Bye bitches.
THIS FUNNY SCREENSHOT
I took a screenshot of Bella when she was flicking her hair and accidentally got this screenshot – very good.
I told you there wasn’t much I liked about this episode, get off my back!
MOST ANNOYING
Bella v Irena
I know that drama is meant to be part of this type of show, but the fights that we are seeing this deep into the season are just confusing and very, very annoying. Roxi and Juliette fighting for the past ten episodes about nothing has been truly demented, but now I am meant to sit by and watch while beautiful Miss Honey Irena and Bella fight? I didn’t sign on for this break-up!!!!
Portrait of a Lady on Channel 10
To be honest I didn’t see last night’s episode and I tried to catch up via recaps, but I am still unclear exactly what the issue is. It seems as though Irena was the bad guy in last night’s episode, but tonight, to me, it seemed like Bella was? Bella claims that during lockdown Irena would brag that Locky had called her. But Bella says that is a lie, because Locky only called after Irena would message him. Irena argued that this still means that…he called her. Which I think is…true?
Whatever the story, Bella decided she’d had enough of Irena and called her a bitch and stormed off, and the friendship is over. Which is a shame! Don’t call each other bitches! Don’t fight over a dumb man! Kiss each other and get married and move to Daylesford instead!!
RIP
Ultimately the fight seemed pretty silly, and they both looked silly getting involved in it. Also none of it will help either of their fight to win Locky over, because men hate DRAMA and also COMMUNICATING.
Bec
Bec seems nice! She’s fine! She loves the outdoors and camping, unlike other women! Locky chose her for a single date, and they had a date at the most romantic place on earth!
She smiled the entire time while falling from a raft and it was funny!
But the question is: why is she there. Surely it’s too late for an intruder? I don’t think it’s fair! Also she is called “Bec” which is my name….but it’s not me? Confusing! I suppose when they say things like “Bec is gorgeous” and “Bec is a frontrunner” I could close my eyes and pretend they are talking about me, so I’ll try that and get back to you with how it feels.
Anyway she’s like pugs – I like them and think they are cute, but they shouldn’t exist.
I’m the intruder now bitch.
Roxi
Roxi annoyed me this entire season, every episode, and tonight chose to leave the show in an incredibly annoying way. At least she’s consistent! She was pissed off to see Juliette arrive at the house, even though she knew that she would be arriving. That’s fine, their arguments are annoying, Juliette is annoying. But Roxi just couldn’t be chill. About that, or anything, ever.
She got to spend a bit of time with Locky, and in that time she harassed him again about how after one of their single dates he kissed Bella later that night at the cocktail party. Firstly, it’s the television show The Bachelor, he is Allowed to do that! Secondly, that was SO long ago! Who even remembers that? You’ve experienced a literal pandemic in the meantime! Get over it!
Women, am i right fellas?
After annoying him about it, Roxi declared that she was over it now, and even though he didn’t believe her he said “You got me chasing, and I cannot stop climbing that wall.” Which is a very clear metaphor.
Anyway, Juliette walked into a room or something and Roxi (as is tradition) flipped out, cried, and said that Juliette was targeting her, and that she wanted to leave the show. So she did, with not very much fanfare, dragging her suitcase behind her.
My read is that Roxi probably saw the writing on the wall after her conversation with Locky, and didn’t want to feel the pain and embarrassment of being dumped on national television, so instead took her own dump.
They showed Locky standing staring at a lake the next morning, as he talked about Roxi over sad music that it sucked she left, because they had a connection.
But in almost the same breath he was basically like “oh well, plenty of girls left, gotta get on with it!”
NEVER TO ANNOY AGAIN
GOODBYE ROXI! You certainly were there, a part of this season of The Bachelor Australia. And we can’t take that away from you.
So that’s it for yet another week! We made it. We can do it again! Patrick Lenton, the human equivalent of that singing and dancing cartoon frog with a top hat, will be back with you next week. Until then, stay safe, and DBAR (Don’t Be A Roxi).
The Bachelor airs on Channel 10 Wednesday and Thursday nights, and Junkee will be recapping both episodes.
Rebecca Shaw is the co-host of the very regular comedy podcast Bring A Plate. She tweets @brocklesnitch