‘Succession’ Characters Ranked By Least Homoerotic Energy To Roman Roy
We can’t let the final season of the show pass by without undergoing this very scientific and very intellectual process.
I am bisexual and all day every day I am consumed by Succession.
I am also obsessed with ranking the characters in a variety of ways and I thought it was time to put everyone in order based on how much homoerotic energy they radiate. Let’s go.
#15. Logan Roy
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In the world of Succession, this man is not just homophobic, he single-handedly popularised homophobia in the popular American imagination. While he is fond of a good dick joke, Logan Roy is who the term “super-straight” was invented for. If Logan ever had a single gay cell in his body, his antibodies would identify it as a virus.
#14. Tom Wambsgans
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I know a lot of people believe in #tomgreg but hear me out: this man has a darkness inside him that I have only seen in the straightest of men. He is like if an incel somehow had a wife. You would have to be the straightest of straight, the most toxically of masculine, to look at Shiv Roy (Sarah Snook) and think, “I am going to betray her and then be mad when she doesn’t like me anymore”.
#13. Connor Roy
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Honestly, Connor does unironically identify as a super straight. The only reason I did not put him at the bottom of the list with Logan is that, unlike Logan, he is not making homophobia in the world worse. He would if he became president, but that is not going to happen with a less than one percent approval rating. (At least, I hope not.)
#12. The Old Guard (Minus Gerri)
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Grouping Hugo, Frank, Karl and Waystar’s Old Guard together because, honestly, it took me a whole season to realise those guys were three different people. While they have helped Logan sew homophobia into the tapestry of the world, I also think there have been some wild company retreats where these guys have let loose and what happens in hotel rooms stays there.
#11. Willa Ferreyra
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I do not think it’s possible to be any kind of gay and be married to Connor Roy. Willa is a theatre kid and escort though, so she’s probably had some gay experiences here and there. But on balance she radiates about as much queer energy as the average MAFS contestant.
#10. Greg Hirsch
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Everyone’s favourite parasitical cousin certainly has a fruity energy about him. Is it because he’s genuinely not straight? Who can say! I think it’s because he has so little integrity, he would forgo heterosexual privilege if it meant he could be rich.
#9. Shiv Roy
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Shivvy, Shivvy, Shivvy… I do think Shiv has, to quote Julia Fox, a “gay bone”. She is constantly teased for being the family “liberal,” and there was that whole thing where she tried to force Tom into a threesome with another woman. My only hesitation lies in that it’s obvious Shiv does not really have a good relationship with women as people. Let’s not forget what she did to the woman who was meant to testify against Waystar in that sexual misconduct case, or how she spoke to Gerri after Roman sent those dick pics.
#8. Jeryd Mencken
Jeryd Mencken’s (Justin Kirk) deleted scene from Succession’s Honeymoon States episode pic.twitter.com/rkXj4uPGLF
— best of Justin Kirk (@bestjustinkirk) April 17, 2023
Logan and Roman’s pick for US president, noted neo-Nazi Jeryd Mencken, would ideally not be on this list. Unfortunately, I have seen gay sex scenes less gay than the bathroom scene he and Roman share in Season 3’s ‘What It Takes’. Of course, queer conservatives who actively work against the social interests of their community for their own political gain are very real and Succession is a political satire at its core. But I just low-key hate that one of the gayest scenes in the show involves a literal neo-Nazi.
#7. Gerri Kellman
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Queen of Waystar’s general council, Gerri is and always has been the MVP of Succession. Like many characters in the show, her life outside of Waystar is a mystery. But I maintain that someone who boasts one dead husband, that many power suits, and navigates being Roman’s ambiguously consensual dom with ease – probably has a queer story or two in their past.
#6. Lukas Matsson
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Speaking of people who are probably bisexual, there is no straight explanation for Matsson’s interactions with Roman Roy. None. Zilch. The man said it himself: “I’m into equality.” Arguably, the most bisexual thing anyone has ever said in the show. Alexander Skarsgard is no stranger to playing bisexuals either, whether it’s a vampire, Tarzan, or, a rich tech-bro obsessed with Roman Roy.
#5. Kendall Roy
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I need a hazmat suit to protect myself from repressed sad bisexual radiation that explodes forth from Kendall Roy. There is his, shall we say, ambiguously strong “friendship” with Stewy Hosseini, whatever happened between him and the waiter he man-slaughtered, and his struggles with mental illness for a start. Kendall may fail at a great deal of things, but being a sad bisexual is not one of them.
#4. Naomi Pierce
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One of the few canonically queer characters in Succession, Naomi Pierce has had brief affairs with Kendall and Tabitha, Roman’s ex. Even if that were not the case, she consistently dresses like Natasha Richardson in The Parent Trap, a distinctly and biconically gay decision if I have ever seen one.
#3. Tabitha Hayes
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One day I hope to emanate as much calm, imperious bisexual energy as the illustrious Tabitha. Playing at being Roman’s beard — I mean, girlfriend — for most of her time on-screen, Tabitha’s ex conquests include Naomi and making Tom swallow his “own load”. While she arguably comes closest to solving Roman’s “deal”, there are some conundrums even the coolest of bisexuals cannot crack.
#2. Stewy Hosseini
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Sure, he claims to have a “girlfriend”, but we have not seen a single shot of Stewy Hosseini’s girlfriend in four seasons. Meanwhile, Stewy has followed Kendall around like a puppy since Season 1, going as far as to buy shares in Waystar via a shell company to help Kendall in his efforts to become CEO of the company. Fellas, I ask, is it gay to try and initiate a hostile takeover your bro’s company so he can be free of his abusive dad?
#1. Roman Roy
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I have not seen a gay person more repressed than Roman Roy since I caught my own reflection in the PE change rooms in Year 9. Just look at whatever he has going on with any man he has been sent to negotiate with — all of it points to some unrealised queerness buried deep in the soul of the third Roy sibling. Even Logan has directly interrogated Roman about his strained relationship with his own sexuality — twice! But with an abusive homophobic father like Logan Roy, is it any wonder Roman has flat out denied that part of himself even exists? Roman’s sexuality is a mystery to everyone, including him, tragically.
Will any of this queer subtext venture into the fore? Running as the Roys do in such wealthy conservative ranks doesn’t exactly create the most affirming environment for openly queer identities — which makes the queer subtext between Kendall, Stewy, Matsson and Roman even more intriguing. But one sign that Succession is one of the best shows on TV is its dedication to even the smallest, gayest of details.
Merryana Salem (they/them) is a proud Wonnarua and Lebanese–Australian writer, critic, teacher and podcaster on most social media as @akajustmerry.