There Is Now An Emoji For Your Ex
Sometimes it can be hard to find the emoji for what you are feeling. A thumbs up is not the same as a victory hand, and only a fool would say it is. The correct use of emojis is a subtle art, with the slightest difference between symbols completely transforming a message.
Fortunately for all linguists concerned with precision of language, new emojis are regularly added to our pictorial lexicon. And today, one has been added for your ex.
The Unicode Consortium has announced that 59 new emojis have been released into the wild, including a yawning face, a guide dog, and, joyfully, a waffle. These are all important emojis that deserve recognition. I foresee myself bestowing many an unsolicited waffle upon my group chat, like an enthusiastic new cafe owner on opening day.
But the reason we are gathered here today is not for delightful breakfast foods, nor for very good boys with jobs. It is instead to pay tribute to the most important, the most groundbreaking, the most worthy emoji to join the league of pictographs this bright and beautiful day.
Behold, I present to you U+1F90F: The pinching hand.
FINALLY a small dick emoji https://t.co/TTvzP609Xv
— Kath Barbadoro (@kathbarbadoro) February 5, 2019
Yes, Unicode may call this emoji the “pinching hand”, or “small amount”. But you and I know its true purpose. You and I, dear reader, know that though they dress it in the veneer of respectability, though they hide behind mealy-mouthed turns of phrase, this emoji was born to do one thing, and one thing only.
This emoji is here to denote a tiny dick.
For many years we have had U+1F346, the eggplant, for signifying the presence of a magnum dong. This revered emoji veteran has stood the test of time, a stalwart companion serving us through thick and long. It is a code universally understood, both overt and implied, there and not. A ghost penis. 🍆
But #notallpenises are blessed with the heft of an aubergine, and now, at long last, we have an emoji for the Chapsticks of the world. The chipolatas. The gherkins.
Somebody send you the pinching hand emoji back and you just gotta throw your whole phone away.
— KITH Sweat (@MF_DAD) February 5, 2019
Sadly, you won’t find this bold new emoji on your phone just yet. It typically takes some time for each platform to add new emojis, which are usually redesigned in their own style. The Unicode Consortium expects the new cohort to begin showing up in September or October, so you have a few months to prepare before we truly see the effects of this giant leap for mankind.
Even so, it is likely to be worth the wait. This is an emoji for the people, an emoji for our times. A symbol for when you’re talking about the jerk who cut you off in traffic, or the ex who freaked out when you started earning more than him, or the guy at the bar who really wanted you to know he used to surf professionally.
In our time of need the pinching hand emoji shines upon us, granting all the power to declare to the world, “Behold! A minuscule phallus!” And there is no greater gift.