A Video Game Is Giving Characters Out-Of-Control Penis Growth
Like Rita Repulsa from Power Rangers, the bug made players' monsters grow with reckless abandon until they reached the limit.
A video game recently released a patch to halt the unstoppable growth of players’ penises. Video games!
Earlier this month, SCUM, a survival video game which is more Lord of the Flies than Robinson Crusoe, added archery, musical instruments and Simplified Chinese in its Wild Hunter update. It also added a slider for adjusting the size of your pork sword.
“The default size is 4 inches and you can increase it’s to maximum 8 or decrease it to the lowest at 1 inch,” developer Gamepires said in a note on the update. However, players who purchase the $USD9.99 SCUM Supporter Pack DLC are bestowed with an extra 2 inches, meaning their penises can max out at a gargantuan 10 inches – or 25.4cm. That is literally longer than my forearm. It seems money may not buy happiness, but it can buy a terrifying trouser snake.
“As with everything in SCUM, this [penis size] attribute is connected,” Gamepires stated, “so if you add points into length it will reduce available attribute points and if you reduce the size you will gain more attribute points to be used elsewhere.”
In essence, players can elect to make themselves weaker, more sickly, clumsier or duller in favour of having a gargantuan bratwurst swinging between their legs like a wrecking ball. If you would like to witness the kind of horrific tubular flesh monster this update has inflicted upon the world for yourself, here’s a video of a massive animated NSFW wang. Enjoy.
However, impractically large dicks are not without their problems. Released over the weekend, SCUM‘s latest patch fixed several bugs in the game, three of which were related to players’ brand spanking new todgers. The most noteworthy of these bugs was one that would cause players’ penises to get bigger every time they logged into the game.
Like Rita Repulsa from Power Rangers, the bug made players’ monsters grow with reckless abandon until they reached the limit, but a second bug that made it “possible to increase penis size without it affecting other attributes” meant they also kept their mental faculties and good health. This bug was also fixed, throwing proudly intellectual third-leg owners back into the darkness with their dongs.
The patch also “Fixed a bug where urinating would lock hands and penis if interrupted”, which sounds like a much worse version of that old wives’ tale about the wind changing while you pull a face. Personally, I think having a 10-inch knob sounds like way more trouble than it’s worth.