Culture

This Muslim Man’s Review Of His First-Ever Christmas Is Both Hilarious And Painfully Accurate

Stuck with his roommates after the pandemic derailed his holiday plans, Mohammad decided to gift us a hilariously accurate review of Christmas.

by Michelle Rennex  22 December 2020
muslim review christmas

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Over the weekend, Mohammad Hussain took the time to review Christmas — his first ever Christmas, to be exact.

You see, Hussain is a Muslim man who has never actually celebrated Christmas before, but because of the pandemic, he’s been stuck in Ontario, Canada with his roommates who do. As a result of not being able to return home for the holidays, Hussain decided to review his “first proper Christmas” the only way he knew how: with “anthropological precision”.

And despite only sharing his thoughts yesterday, his scarily accurate review of the holiday has already racked up over 300,000 likes on Twitter as people intently follow the adventures of Hussain’s first Christmas.

Starting off his analysis of the holiday, Hussain noted that “Christmas is a part-time job” that runs between “mid-November to the end of December”.

“From the outside looking in, Christmas always seemed pretty simple,” he tweeted. “I always thought you put up a tree and then gave gifts to family. This is a lie.”

And look, Hussain isn’t wrong. As fun as Christmas is, it’s a chore. If you’re not freaking out about finding a tree or sourcing food, you’re spending every weekend in the lead up to December 25 searching for the perfect presents.

This is only made worse by the massive lines due to everyone having the exact same idea as you. As fun as Christmas may be, Hussain is right because it’s equally as stressful.

Secondly, Hussain realised that people can be very protective of their own personal Christmas traditions.

“If someone is insisting that *certain food* is what you have to eat Christmas morning, because that’s their family tradition, DO NOT SUGGEST ALTERNATIVES,” he shared. “They will stab you in the neck.”

And again, Hussain isn’t wrong. Have you ever tried to tell an Aussie that you’re not keen to have a glazed ham on Christmas? They genuinely look at you like you’ve just murdered their entire family.

Plus, Hussain noticed that people seem to have such fancy menu set for Christmas when he and his family usually just get takeaway. Can you imagine if you rocked up to Christmas lunch with a box of KFC? You’d probably get thrown out in a heartbeat.

Then came the pretty stupid unspoken rules of gift-giving. Hussain was rightfully taken aback by the fact that you can buy yourself gifts, but not your own stocking stuffers.

In the end, Hussain decided against his roommates rules and shoved his new ChapStick into his stocking anyway.

“I don’t care. I bought myself mint ChapStick and I will fake surprise,” he said.

Similarly, the Christmas first-timer also understood the constant struggle of staying within budget for gifts — especially when it comes to Secret Santa.

“The perfect gift will always be $10 too expensive. There is no winning. Just give up.”

Hussain then got stuck into the complexities behind ornament culture.

Yes, it exists. Don’t try to pretend it doesn’t. As Hussain points out there are “fillers” and “keepers”, with the latter being the meaningful, special or unique ones that are used year-on-year and tend to be passed through the family.

For me, that’s our family angel tree-topper, who is literally as old as me and who’s needed her head glued back on four times thus far. For Hussain, this is now the $15.99 “Everything Bagel” ornament he bought after his roommates encouraged him to get his own keeper that was “special” to him.

Thrown off by the outlandish prices some Christmas ornaments can set you back, Hussain finally understood why there were the two types.

“For what it cost, you best believe that I am insisting that it be passed on to my great grandchildren,” he continued his thread. “If they break it, I will haunt them.”

Finally, Mohammad Hussain noticed that Christmas doesn’t necessarily have to be religious, despite its religious origins.

“I really like this one. If I was to suggest having a secular Ramadan to my mother she would have a heart attack,” Hussain said. “I will, however, be trying to get my family to do a Secret Santa for Eid. The name’s being workshopped.”

To round out his thread, Hussain shared that with everything he had learned, he was having a “very pleasant time”, and applauds those who celebrate Christmas because it’s “a lot of work and very tiring”.

“I am learning that I enjoy Christmas music and gift purchasing,” Hussain ended his thread. “I am also learning that I do not enjoy peppermint.”

Personally, I am huge fan of Mohammad Hussain’s anthropological review of Christmas — even though his thread really just read all of us Christmas lovers to absolute filth.