The Hill I Will Die On: Christmas Ham Is The Worst Of All Christmas Dishes

The Hill I Will Die On is a regular Junkee series in which we air our pettiest gripes. It should, of course, not be taken very seriously.

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Christmas is probably the most wonderful day of the year, and Chrissy lunch is something we all look forward to. Juicy mangoes, plump prawns, a nice crisp pavlova. But you know what we shouldn’t look forward to? Christmas ham

Christmas ham is, without a doubt, the worst Christmas dish on any Aussie Christmas table. Let’s dissect.

The Table Is Filled With Infinitely Better Foods

My controversial Xmas take: roast ham is bad

— niko (@negative_niko) December 24, 2018

Let’s start with the most obvious reason: the other dishes on offer are just so much better. Think about it. Nothing screams summer more than a giant plate of big, plump, cold prawns with a squeeze of lemon.

The humble mango is the unofficial fruit of the Chrissy holiday season. And the pavlova? Despite New Zealand claiming ownership over the fluffy, crunchy mound of sugar, it is one of Australia’s most iconic desserts. Even though some heathens seem to hate it.

Now before you attack me, listen. I’m not saying Christmas ham tastes shit. What I’m saying is with all the better options, why would anyone in their right mind head for a giant leg of confusingly sweet and salty ham? Ham is not a type of meat you can just eat slabs of like chicken or beef.

I believe ham should be reserved for sandwiches where it’s sliced so thin, it’s basically transparent. This is because ham is usually pretty damn salty thanks to the curing process, and two bites in more than enough on any given day.

Yet on Christmas we’re stuck eating two, three, four thick-ass slices of ham? This is the behaviour of a madman.

It’s Expensive And You’re Stuck Eating It Forever

Ok, say you want to avoid everything else and just have a hankering for ham on Christmas. There is no way you could ever finish a whole ham leg on Christmas.

Entire ham legs are HUGE. I’m talking approximately about 5kg kinda huge. And the sad reality is you end up eating… maybe 500 grams worth on Christmas day between your entire family.

That means you are left with 4.5kg of ham to eat until you inevitably die from overconsumption. Genuinely the only way to actually enjoy Christmas ham is to starve yourself from any other pork products for the entire year.

Beyond this, a ham leg ain’t cheap either. A real and proper hefty leg will set you back approximately $70-$100. Now think to yourself: Is dooming yourself to eat ham until you’re grey and old worth $100?

The amount of Christmas ham I'm going to shit out tomorrow is kind of scary

— Nick Miller Lite (@TheYacthClub) December 26, 2016

I don’t want to alarm you either, but I know everyone reading this eats their Christmas ham for at least two weeks after the holiday is over. But turns out that ham isn’t meant to be kept that long. According to Still Tasty, “properly stored, whole ham or half ham will typically last for 5 to 7 days, or the date on the package, in the fridge.”

Now I’m certain you’re looking at your phone right now and wondering how you’re still alive. No one person can eat 5kg of ham in a week.

We Waste Precious Oven Space By Cooking The Ham Twice

Ham is usually not a food that needs to be cooked. Ham, just like our lord and saviour cabanossi, is a cured meat. But for some reason we feel the need to shove the huge piece of ready-to-eat meat back into the oven when we could be using the oven for better things. Make a roast beef! Cook a chicken! Leave the ham alone!

Don’t get me started on the recipes for Christmas hams either. There’s always debate over if it should be a marmalade or honey glaze. Then everyone has to collectively decide if cloves and cherries should be involved in the process.

I firmly believe cloves should not be involved but don’t tell that to Aunt Martha who has her 20-year old clove-packed family  recipe. Trying to avoid accidentally biting a whole clove is like trying to navigate around a bomb in Minesweeper back in 2001. There’s no method to the madness, you just have to hope for the best.

Then there’s the question of the temperature. Is it meant to be served cold or straight from the oven? Perhaps a lukewarm ham is the way to go? But is that in the danger zone for food poisoning? Wait, would the centre of the ham even get hot when the piece is THAT big? Is that not the perfect breeding ground for E. coli? How common is Christmas ham-related gastro cases?

These are the questions that keep me up at night.

Petition To Bin The Xmas Ham

In conclusion, let’s bin the Christmas ham. Or at the very least, start opting for a baby ham so we aren’t forced to eat the giant Chrissy ham until the end of January.

Mum, please take note.