‘MasterChef’ Update: Everyone’s Got Ottolenghi Fever!!!
The judges desperately want to be friends with Yotam.
It’s Yotam Ottolenghi week at MasterChef, which means a week of watching a bunch of delicious dishes involving tahini and eggplant and artichokes and figs, while you’re eating the same garbage leftover spag bol at home for five nights. Yay, sign me up!
Because he makes nice food and is quite famous, Yotam Ottolenghi is treated like a rockstar in the MasterChef kitchen. The contestants look at him like he’s about to jump on a bench, rip his shirt off and start doing the guitar solo from ‘Sweet Child ‘O Mine’. The judges look at him with a mix of awe and envy, like he’s their estranged dad who they’re trying to be mad at but also desperately want to impress.
Everyone wants a piece of the Yotam.
“Contestants, this is Yotam Ottolenghi, he is a famous just like us, maybe a little more famous but not too much more, we’re all just a bunch of famous chefs here, cheers.”
“OMG IT’S YOTAM OTTOLENGHI, I WISH WE WERE ALLOWED TO USE INSTAGRAM!!”
“hey.”
Ray, Pete and Eloise are in the elimination challenge. They spend the morning in the MasterChef house looking sadly at photos of their families, like they’ve been stationed at the Western Front for the last three years. Seems like a really fun competition to be a part of.
Sensing someone needs to be cheered up by the sight of his rosy boy cheeks, Callan enters the kitchen. He has crazy hair in the morning. Perhaps he has been experimenting with mousse.
Callan is a punk rocker.
The contestants arrive at the warehouse and the energy is extremely low. Perhaps it’s the absence of Matt Preston — who is presumably sourcing cravat materials from the markets of Istanbul — but the vibe is extremely somber.
“Hey,” says Gary, stone-faced. “This is elimination, yada yada, here’s Yotam, whatever.” Gary is not into this at all. I wonder if Gary is just jealous that everyone is so excited about Yotam. I wonder, when was the last time Gary felt cherished?
Anyway, Yotam says that today the contestants have to make his lamb koftas which look NICE AS HELL, but Eloise isn’t having it. Eloise has been in this competition long enough (a month) to know that being asked to be make beautiful lamb koftas would never be a MasterChef challenge, because it is far too reasonable, too based in reality, and doesn’t involve any helium whatsoever. If you’re not being set up to fail, are you really on MasterChef?
Of course, Eloise is correct, and the contestants have to make FIVE DISHES.
“It’s a mezze,” says George.
“It is a mezze,” says Yotam.
Absolutely spitfire dialogue around here.
“I knew these fuckers would do this to me.”
“Why wouldn’t they just want to teach us how to cook one dish well, smdh.”
“You’re welcome.”
Because everyone must be punished, Gary then chimes in and is all “lol also you have 60 minutes to make these five dishes, seeya”. “WHAT,” the contestants say, trying to stifle their internal screams. Everyone feels betrayed. Goddamn, Yotam Ottolenghi man.
“You have 12 minutes per dish, this is fine, we’re being reasonable, I dare you to challenge me, let’s fight.”
“We will accept this challenge with smiles.”
“JK, ima be mad as hell.”
Ray is mad as hell. “That’s just so many dishes,” says Ray. You are not wrong, Ray. “That looks really good!” Yotam says to Ray, as Ray aggressively kneads dough. Ray ignores him because he is so mad at Yotam, and they are not speaking right now.
Eloise is freaking out, but says she’s “good with instructions” on account of having finished a law degree, so she will probably be okay. If we ever suffer through a lawyer shortage in Australia, MasterChef will be squarely to blame. There are so many lawyers on this show that I’m staring to wonder if ‘Food Dreams’ is now a section on law exams.
Up on the balcony, the safe contestants are talking about the fact that 60 minutes is not a lot of time (Or a very good show! Haha cracker call, thanks.). “It’s just not a lot of time!” they say to each other, shaking their heads in concern — the concern of people who have nothing to lose and want everyone to know it.
“Yippee this is gonna be a great show, I mean, I feel so sad for my fellow contestants this day.”
“I myself hate to be entertained by other people’s stress.”
“Yotam’s dishes are all about attention to detail,” Pete explains. Then Pete inexplicably blends yoghurt with his green chilies when he was meant to delicately place the chilies on the yoghurt. Classic Pete.
“I’ve mixed me yoghurt with me green chilies!” he says. The balcony loses their minds, like Pete has just slaughtered a lamb in front of them in order to make that perfect sweet, sweet kofta.
“omg I cannot believe Pete would do this, this is an affront to cooking.”
“Mmmm hmm hmmm, love to blend yoghurt and chilies!!!”
“OH NO, ME CHILLIES!!!”
Gary and Yotam wander over to Eloise. Eloise is really stressed, but she’s out there giving it her all. “STOP STRESSING!!!” Gary yells at Eloise. “Okay?” says Eloise.
Just when you think that the judges are finished giving Eloise vague and extremely unhelpful advice, Yotam suddenly yells at her “FLAVOURS, FLAVOURS, FLAVOURS” as if the thought of giving her food flavour had never occurred to her.
“See, the key to cooking Eloise is to make your food taste like something.”
“I’m so happy to be here.”
The contestants only have 20 minutes left. “WORK QUICKLY!” an extremely sadistic person yells down from the balcony. (Not Callan. He ‘s probably outside playing the trumpet and collecting for the Salvos.)
“This is getting stressful!” Ray says. Ray is plating up dishes without tasting them, which bodes extremely well. Pete says “me butternut hummus!” ten times in about two minutes, which is very enjoyable.
This lady very smugly says she is worried about all of them.
“It would be terrible if they failed!”
George bellows “DON’T GET CLUMSY!” at the contestants, which means that he has seen someone being clumsy and wants to shame them. Sure enough, George wanders over to Ray’s station and points to his kofta.
“Are you happy with the onions?” says George, who looks at Ray’s mixture in such disgust that it’s like Ray has taken a shit in a bowl. “I don’t want to be sent home on bad koftas,” says Ray. He’s right. That would be humiliating.
“wtf is that, I literally would never ever eat that, hey good luck though.”
George is like, “How you reckon they’re doing Yotam, wanna be my friend.” Yotam is like, “pretty good, tbh!” George is disappointed, and not just because Yotam isn’t responding to his friend request. George wants Yotam to be nastier.
“What do you reckon about Ray’s onions though, what a disaster hey Yotam!!!”
“Also would you like to grab some dinner later Yotam, there’s a nice place called Jimmy Grants that I hear is pretty cool.”
“Please do not slow down,” Gary tells the contestants halfheartedly. Pete just starts throwing ingredients into saucepans with abandon. While he’s doing this, his koftas begin to burn. Karlie, watching from the balcony, appears to be having a stroke. Perhaps she had an ex-partner who always used to burn kofta and it has brought back painful memories for her.
DISASTER!!!
Very appropriate and chill reaction to burnt lamb.
Pete is flustered. George walks over, perhaps to comfort him. Oh wait.
“Do-able recipe though, yeah?” says George. George is savage, man.
“It would be a bit embarrassing to fuck this one up, wouldn’t it Pete!!!!”
Yotam quite calmly tells everyone that they are all very behind. “Am I going to have time to do my olives?” says Eloise. “You have to do everything,” replies Yotam. Oh okay, she only has six minutes to go, but yeah that seems reasonable.
Suddenly there’s a smash at Eloise’s station and Yotam gasps.
“Have I dropped something,” says Eloise to the balcony.
The balcony is silent, frozen in horror.
“WAS THAT ONE OF MY DISHES???” she yells in raw desperation.
Eloise literally doesn’t have time to look up to see what she has dropped, which seems strange to me, but I’ve never had to cook fried olives and lamb kofta in an hour so what do I know. It’s an extremely moving montage, like one of those sad death scenes in Grey’s Anatomy, by which I mean every episode of Grey’s Anatomy.
If I lay here.
If I just lay here.
Would you lie with me, and just forget the world.
“Ray, you’re behind,” Yotam, says. You think he doesn’t know that, Yotam? You think that Ray won’t be dreaming about fried olives and garlic ricotta for the rest of his goddam life?
The contestants are in a frenzy. Both Ray and Eloise don’t have forks at their station — they have blast chillers but not forks — so in desperation, Eloise starts mashing broad beans with a whisk.
You can almost make out the whisk.
The cook is over! Eloise realises she only knocked over a jug of eggs and all her dishes are intact! She is flooded with relief, which she mistakes for excitement at being challenged. Ray looks at his dishes sadly. He found the pace of the challenge very difficult. “It was like an episode of Fast and the Furious!” says Ray. Ray is so confused.
Pete talks like a suburban footy captain. “Look, I gave it 110 percent,” he says. “Hope the judges don’t pick on me too much on me presentation.”
Naturally, they do.
“Ima ruin you, Pete.”
Pete is sitting in front of the judges. “You’re like a regular in this nightclub,” says George. “Yes,” says Pete, pretending to know what that means. Yotam asks what kind of food Pete likes. “Simple, tasty food,” Pete says. Yotam smiles politely.
“So do you think you’re going home, or…” says Gary. Jesus, the judges are so mean this year.
“Hey Pete, I’m going to just keep staring at you like this until you start crying.”
“Ima just stare at my plate, I can’t be bothered trying to remember your name.”
Pete’s dishes don’t look great. The judges sigh heavily as they ladle yoghurt onto their plates. Pete has fucked his kofta. There is no coming back from this. They all taste it and nod at each other silently.
“I know who should go home,” says George.
“I do too,” says Gary.
“I do too,” says Yotam.
“Anyone fancy an Anzac biscuit?” says Callan.
That person is Pete, because Gary thinks that you “eat with your eyes first” and Pete’s dish looked like dog food. Pete is like “that’s okay!” because Pete has a very lovely disposition.
The judges all hug Pete, getting lamb bits all over their fancy suits. “Follow your heart,” Yotam says, gripping Pete’s arm with intensity. “Thanks,” says Pete. “FOLLOW YOUR HEART,” Yotam repeats.
It’s so inspirational.
“Pete, don’t forget to pursue your food dreams, because the only true judge is yourself, and you need to believe in yourself in order to touch the stars.”
“Pete, please remember to leave your apron or risk incurring a fine.”
—
MasterChef is on almost every night tbh, at 7.30 on Channel Ten.
–
Sinead Stubbins is Junkee’s former Entertainment Editor. She tweets about Drake, Gilmore Girls and cheeseburgers at @sineadstubbins.