‘MasterChef’ Update: To Market, To Market To Watch Your Dreams Die
The challenge this week was to run a market for a short and stressful amount of time, until the contestants drown in their own nervous sweat.
MasterChef is still on the telly! This season of MasterChef started on the day your grandparents were born!
In this episode, the poor unfortunate contestants are piled in minibuses and shipped to South Melbourne Market. Gary tells them that the market has existed since the 1800s!!! They didn’t even have blast chillers back then!!!
The contestants, eyes straining against the natural light, are confused about the lack of Coles branding and molecular equipment. I wonder how long it has been since they were allowed outside.
“This is what we in the industry call ‘a market’.”
The task for today is to run a few food stalls in a short and stressful amount of time, until the contestants drown in their own nervous sweat. They judges say they are expecting “thousands of people”. Ben reckons the most people he has ever cooked for was 12 people, a number that is significantly less than thousands. Good luck, Ben!
Everyone seems very excited about this task.
“Manu would never make us do this.”
The teams have to serve food on skewers, food on a plate, food in a cone and food that you can eat with your hands. The handheld food symbol looks like a communist propaganda poster. The judges say that they can charge up to $10 for their dishes, confirming that while they admire the aesthetics of communism they much prefer making nice lovely money, yum yum.
The proletariat will rise.
“You’re going to have such a great day!!!” says Gary. Everyone pretends to believe him. Then for some reason Gary puts on a high-pitched whiny voice — which presumably is what he thinks the contestants sound like — waves his arms about and says, “Argh no, we’re not ready!!”
That’s a really kind, cracker call Gary.
“Hahahaha you all look so stressed like big stressed babies, now go make your papas some donuts.”
Each team starts working out what they’re going to cook. Inexplicably, almost every team decides to make fried chicken and donuts? Not a single person suggests making dim sims. This country has gone to the dogs.
Michelle says that she’s happy with her team’s dynamics. She reckons she and Callan will get on well because they’re the same age (19) and thus will have lots to talk about (Pokémon Go?), that Karlie is the “blonde bombshell” (Michelle, pls) and that Ben is “the father of the team” — something I’m sure would mortify Ben.
Teens love to remind people that existence is fleeting, we’re all going to die and in the end you’ve only got the choice of being a bombshell or a dad, there are no other choices.
Michelle and her dad.
Michelle’s team has a lot of trouble working out the quantities of anything. “I’m no mathematician!” says Callan, cheerfully. I wonder if Callan knows that mathematicians work out more complicated brain puzzles than ‘what’s 13 kilograms of chicken multiplied by six’.
They all stare at the calculator. “How many grams in a kilogram?” says Karlie. No one knows. They continue to stare at the calculator.
“Hahahaa, I will keep laughing to buy some time until someone else says the answer, hahaha.”
“Okay, still no one is saying anything, where is our father Ben.”
“Siri, how much chicken do we need to feed approximately thousands of people.”
Pete says his team is making “Asian slaw” which is sort of like saying “European salads”, good work Pete. The judges decide that pretty much everyone has fucked up already. They are deeply worried. They think no one will have enough food to serve.
“They don’t know how many people 1,000 people really is!” says Matt Preston. The judges then decide against telling the contestants how many people 1,000 people really is.
“Looks like they’re all in deep trouble oh well, let’s go get some dim sims big boys.”
By the way, today Matt Preston has dressed like an eccentric newspaper tycoon from the turn of the 20th century who forces his employees to publish his poetry about miserable birds.
George — who is madder the usual, perhaps because he has to mingle with the common folk — calls the captains over to tell them off. He is furious that no one is working fast enough. “You have no plan!!” he bellows.
The captains look at him blankly. How can George say that? The plan is to make donuts and fired chicken!!!
“You all make me sick, you are despicable cretins, hey those donuts ready yet or–”
Gary senses that Pete’s team is the most unorganised, so he wanders over for funsies. “How are your Asian pancakes going?” says Gary. “So good!” says Pete. “How many have you made?” says Gary. It looks as though Pete has made five to 10 pancakes.
Gary tells Pete off for being so slow to cook his vaguely racist dish. Pete is glad of the warning. “We filled the old underpants in!” says Pete. Ah?
“Pete, here are all the things you are doing wrong, the list is extensive.”
“Hahaha, classic Petey hey? Haha Gary this kinda pressure makes you shit your dacks, good fun though isn’t it Gaz.”
“I despise you.”
Jessica is making jam! She is excited about her jam.
“Is that jam?” says George.
“Yes!” says Jessica.
“Will it set?” says George.
:/ says Jessica.
“No offence, but you’re tacky and I hate you.”
Sarah is lovingly and methodically threading pork onto skewers.
“Are you making pork on skewers?” says Gary.
“Yes!” says Sarah
“… Is that all you’ve made so far?” says Gary
:/ says Sarah
The judges are on a rampage. Gary makes Sarah stop cooking and points to the crowd in front of her, as if she missed them and had been threading pork on skewers for the last two hours for a laugh.
“You’re in big trouble you lot,” he says and wanders away to look for donuts.
“You see the problem here Sarah is that you are not cooking quickly enough, that is my professional opinion.”
“I am so grateful to work alongside real experts.”
The growing crowd, driven increasingly restless with anger, start to make rhythmic rumbling sounds as they line up for the trough. Jessica’s jam is not setting, just like George predicted.
George tries not to act too smug while telling her that he told her so. He stalks around the tent making judgmental faces and sighing loudly. Classic motivational tools.
“Jessica, it’s all about giving it your best shot and today you have given it your all, good work Jessica.”
“Can’t even make jam, smdh.”
The contestants all begin to lose their heads. Service is starting in ten minutes.
Pete is cooking one pancake at a time. Michelle’s team is using only one pot to cook the donuts. They are all cooking portion-sizes as if they were preparing food for one not very hungry person who had gastro.
Gary starts laughing because he is horrified by the amateur nature of these amateur chefs. Then he goes quiet.
“Wake me up inside.”
“THESE PEOPLE ARE STARVING,” screams Matt Preston to the heavens. The crowd of thousands roars. They aren’t just hungry for donuts anymore. They’re here for blood.
Instead of making donuts, Karlie now seems to be arbitrarily setting things on fire, as if to distract people from her lack of prepared food. “Karlie just started screaming, ‘fire’!” explains Callan, his old-timey face convincing me to donate all my earnings to the Hollywood Canteen.
Fucking madness. You wouldn’t read about it!
(Support our boys)
“PREPARE FOR THE FLOOD!!!!!!” says Matt Preston. “There’s a tsunami of people!” says Michelle. “I can’t believe I’m looking out at this sea of people!” says Sarah. The tension — and ocean metaphors — is overwhelming.
“HERE WE ARE NOW.”
“ENTERTAIN US.”
Service starts! Pete says, “The punters are loving me Chinese pancakes!”
Jessica has fucked up the jam, so the donuts now have a “strawberry glaze”. She places them in a paper bags drenched in unset jam, which is fantastic because there is nothing better than being in a public place with your arms and face and hair saturated in sticky liquid sugar :)
The yellow team serves the judges… fried chicken and donuts! The judges make orgasm faces. “You’re gonna have to wrestle this one off me!!!!” says Gary.
I’m celibate now.
It’s the red team’s turn! George thinks that their savoury pancake is “average”! Gary in incensed that there is no jam in their donuts!
They are more impressed with the green team, who serve pork on skewers and, naturally, donuts on skewers. The judges think there is too little pork on the sticks, but that the green team has “exploited the skewer” in lots of different ways.
Matt Preston enjoys exploiting skewer.
Service is over. The judges stamp their feet and applaud. The onlookers, bellies full of donuts, film with their phones, endlessly consuming consuming consuming.
Just human things.
The teams, exhausted and forlorn, gather to learn their fate. “You dum dums did a pretty good job!” says Matt Preston. He says the blue team was the best of the day and that the green team made the most cashola. The other two teams must battle to stay in the competition tomorrow.
“You’ll have to fight for your life,” says George. “But walk in tomorrow with your chests held high.” The contestants, while confused about how one can actually walk with their chests thrust high and still see where they’re going, steel themselves for the next challenge.
MasterChef can be difficult, but you can make it through. You’ve just got to keep your chest held high.
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MasterChef is on almost every night tbh, at 7.30 on Channel Ten.
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Sinead Stubbins is Junkee’s former Entertainment Editor. She tweets about Drake, Gilmore Girls and cheeseburgers at @sineadstubbins.