‘Masked Singer Australia’ Recap: Cactus Sings ‘I Touch Myself’, And We, For A Moment, Touch God
A very special, extra horny episode.
And just when this show loses me, they bring out a sexy Cactus to sing ‘I Touch Myself’ surrounded by dancers dressed as silvery, dead glittery ‘flowers’. But the most sexual moment of this episode was Hughesy outing himself as a massive Creed fan, which does things to me I can’t explain.
It’s time, Australia, to admit that Hughesy is hot. His whole new surfy hair and tooth gap scream America’s Next Top Model, albeit the bit where Tyra Banks forces the contestants to get a diastema procedure or completely change their hair for no reason other than TV drama. What other reason is there to do anything?
Or maybe he’s not hot, and watching this show at 6am on a Wednesday morning just does things to you, because I laughed when Urzila guessed for the FOURTH time that Kitten was Susan Boyle. You have to respect the long-game.
Last night, we said goodbye to Wizard, who couldn’t conjure up more air-time and was revealed to be X-Factor alumn Isaiah Firebrace. Jackie O nails the guess while Hughesy goes with the lead singer of Jet, because despite doing the breakfast radio rounds for years, he hasn’t heard any new music since 2004.
I would be so mad if I did this show and rocked up first day to discover they put me in the fucking Wizard costume. Isaiah is a pro.
The most interesting part of Isaiah’s reveal was that he says Iggy Azalea gave him an iPad Pro as a surprise birthday gift while he was on the X-Factor. Let’s break this down (no really, this was by far the most interesting part of the episode): that’s an expensive gift, sure, but it’s also deeply impersonal. No one ever needs an iPad, let alone a 17-year-old singer — like everyone else with one, he probably used it for a few months before chucking it in a drawer, never to be touched again.
Add to this that Iggy almost definitely didn’t buy the gift herself, but an assistant did, and you have to (you simply have to) begin to wonder whether that’s Iggy’s assistant’s go-to gift for birthdays?
As an aside, I can’t believe Brockhampton are on this season!
It’s a gift that is well-intentioned (it also exudes Mullumbimby energy, in that Iggy clearly doesn’t know how to spend her wealth and the most ‘nice’ thing she or her assistant can think of is a side-piece of tech), but only instantly establishes the distance between Iggy and whoever’s birthday it is. As we know from her down-tempo 73 Questions video, it’s lonely at the top.
Maybe that’s why no one is socially distancing on-stage. As the four contestants sang in their opening number, they came here to be loved. Just love them!!
A still from Dreamworks’ next sad attempt to emulate a Pixar film.
Bushranger
How can this show give me a glittery Ned Kelly tin-woman voguing and make it the straightest thing alive? The queerness is water off a duck’s back: endlessly repelled. It’s almost impressive.
That horse holds the Anderson family secret – just look into its blood-read eye. Bonnie was sending a message to her mother, who is watching at home, by bringing it out on stage: “soon, the world will know. You cannot stop me”.
Anyway, Bonnie Anderson sings a Dean Lewis song, which is a real downgrade from last week’s early Gaga cut. Do the contestants pick their own songs? Does anyone pick a Dean Lewis song?
I didn’t write down any notes for this one, which probably says it all. She will probably get revealed next week, given that she’s up against Cactus and Kitty. Anderson has a great voice, but that can’t compete with the two best costumes.
Cactus
Satan creating Masked Singer Australia with the ingredients left-over in His kitchen after COVID-19.
There’s a couple of lines about being a doctor in Cactus’ clues, which is a reference to Lucy Durack being on Doctor Doctor — there’s also the follow-up about being “in the pink now”, which assumedly isn’t a pink-eye reference and probably refers to Legally Blonde: The Musical.
The dancers behind Cactus’ performance of ‘I Touch Myself’ are dressed as roses, and the petals comes forth from their abdomens and cover their body. It’s honestly a stunning look — drag queens, take note — and I sincerely hope the Logies invent a Best Costume Design category. Between the roses and last week’s giant milk saucer for Kitten, the design on this show is immaculate. See! Don’t always have to tear it apart.
Kitten
Kitten is one of the only contestants I don’t feel 100 percent sure on, though as the weeks go on it feels more and more likely it’s Julia Morris. Not by any clues — I’ve given up trying to decode them, sorry — but just by her persona on-stage.
Few people in Australian media carry themselves with the ‘wink-wink-nudge-nudge’ air that Morris does, and it’s hard to think of many other names who could pull off purring and meowing as a vocal run.
Convinced kitten is @Ladyjmo after hearing some signature “reow”ing during the group singalong. #themaskedsingerau #maskedsingerau pic.twitter.com/BiUnBwoIck
— Edwina Williams (@edwinawilltweet) August 25, 2020
Anyway, just to be certain, I’ve now Googled “Julia Morris nude” and “Julia Morris naked” to see if the clues about stripping down match anything. The only thing that popped up was a Daily Mail article about Morris wearing a nude bodysuit on a trampoline (!!!), but Twitter pointed towards of her Logies performance where she wore a bikini t-shirt, plus her work on Full Frontal.
Okay I’m back on board, I LOVE this show baby! Ravage me Mater Suspiriorum!
The important thing is that everyone, especially the IT man who checks my work laptop’s browsing history, know that those Googles were for journalism, as was, while we’re at it, any hypothetical Googles of gay porn, hypothetically.
Hypothetically, I will see you all next Monday to continue this ride. Masked Singer Australia is the only way I conceive of time now.
Masked Singer Australia is on Channel 10 each Monday and Tuesday at 7.30pm AEST, and available to stream on 10Play.
Jared Richards is a staff writer at Junkee, and on Twitter.