‘Game of Thrones’ Season 8 Episode 4 Power Rankings: What Do We Do Now
Euron so much trouble this episode!
Welcome to the Game of Thrones Power Rankings, where everyone in Game of Thrones is RANKED.
Winter is over. It’s summer, baby.
Get your bikini and your boogie boards. Get your sunscreen and your sun hats. Get your beach reads and your blankets.
Get your sunglasses. Get your ice-creams on sticks. Get your aunt and your sister and spend the whole day at the beach and then go again the next morning! Live at the beach! Live in the sea! Never wear shoes again!!!!! We will never be cold again!!! Summer is here!!!!!!!
THE PLANET IS ON FIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyway, LET’S DO THE POWER RANKING!
Winners
Everyone who lives in Winterfell (10 points)
It’s just like Charles Dickens said that time, “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times” best because the people of Winterfell had beaten death and worst because there are maybe five people left on the planet and they’re all related, oh well.
Everyone at Winterfell is so pleased they have conquered death that they’re like, “Oh chill, we can just fuck around now, can someone invent electricity so we can do karaoke?” just walking around Winterfell dabbing with abandon and staring at themselves in the mirror, just kidding they are staring at dead bodies in mud.
Dany is staring at an immobile Jorah which is how his sex dreams usually start, alas he is now dead.
“Here is a kiss, Jorah.”
“It’s working.”
Jon gives a very nice eulogy.
“These people fought for your freedom, you cowards!” he says. “I also have quite a bad cut on my upper face, no don’t worry it’s fine, I’m okay.” All the notable people in the cast grab a torch to burn the bodies, it’s like a very depressing Olympics Opening Ceremony where everyone has exactly one cut on their face.
Once the bodies are burning, Jon turns to the people once more.
“If you ain’t dirty… YOU AIN’T HERE TO PARTTTTTAYYYYYY!”
“Ladies! (move)”
“Gentlemen! (move)”
Arya (9 points)
Arya, labouring under the fact that she has peaked at 18, decides to leave home forever and pursue lands with yet unconquered 30 under 30 lists.
It does not seem to matter to her that Jon is getting more pats on the back for riding a dragon than she is for ENDING THE WAR AGAINST THE DEAD.
“Um, congrats to whoever killed the Night King, I can’t pronounce her name.”
“Yeaaaahrrrr;arrrrrrRRRR!”
“Haha I didn’t listen, why are they cheering, is it for me again.”
The next day, The Hound is riding a particularly flamboyant pony out of Winterfell.
Arya interrupts his introvert recharge time, as they both have some murder business to attend to in King’s Landing.
“If I am dying, will you save me,” says The Hound. “No,” says Arya.
Seems like a fun trip.
“WE’RE GONNA TAKE OUR HORSE TO THE OLD TOWN ROAAAAAD.”
Sam (8 points)
Gilly: “I’m pregnant.”
Sam: “That’s right everyone, I had sex again!”
“You’re the best friend I’ve ever had.”
“You are the best friend I have ever had too.”
“what are you talking about, you little bitch.”
“after everything I have done for you, you patchy beard motherfucker.”
“are you serious right now.”
Cersei (7 points)
Cersei is back in the show again, staring malevolently at people from great heights, good to have you back Cersei.
“I’m so glad people are looking at me again.”
It looks like Cersei is still not immune to Euron’s fuccboi charms — she’s been going out with her normie brother for 40 years, now she wants some strange! I don’t know.
Anyway, she murders Missandei so everyone looks at her and yeah, it works, fuck you Cersei.
“My lords, I can’t imagine a worse fate than being the centre of your attention, please look away, please.”
“Do you know I don’t even need gel, my hair just sits like this natural.”
Euron (7 points)
“DIS DICK!!!!”
“Urgh ffs, this show is decidedly NOT dragon friendly, I need to call my agent.”
“I also must call my agent.”
I don’t think there are many dragons in this writers room. Or women! Haha.
Bronn (5 points)
Bronn arrives at Winterfell to swear profusely and to threaten and punch the Blonde Boys who continue to not pay him for all the murdering he has done in their service.
There is nothing worse than an invoice that hasn’t been paid, I get it.
“I said 90 DAYS.”
“ARGH, HE’S MAKING ME ACCOUNTABLE!!!”
In the era of gig economies you really have to chase your money down. Bronn holds a crossbow threateningly, drinks a mug of wine and discusses Westerosi real estate all at the same time.
“I would like an ocean front property and some stock options also.”
“Oh no, how did he learn about finances, poor people aren’t meant to know about money.”
“Why did I get him The Barefoot Investor for Chrissy.”
Sansa (5 points)
Are you telling me that Ned Stark kept a secret for like 18 years and Sansa didn’t keep it for longer than an afternoon, this is absolute scenes.
“It’s super boring here, please talk to me about anything, please.”
Minus the weird conversation where Sansa told The Hound that she needed to go through all of those horrible assaults otherwise she would “still be a little bird” (lol okay!!!!!!!) Sansa did make some power moves this episode.
By ‘power moves’ I mean ‘strong faces’.
This was a good one.
Cop this!
That’s the stuff.
The Stark Family Meeting took place in the location that they feel most comfortable: on top of a freezing mound of snow and surrounded by wind so bitterly cold that it makes tears leak from their tiny dark eyes, ah what bliss.
“WHY DON’T YOU LIKE MY GIRLFRIEND!!!!”
“We sort of do.”
[coughs]
“She’s right we don’t, her hair is a funny colour that we’ve not seen, we still love you though for you are our brother.”
“…”
“Are you going to tell them or am I, bitch.”
I do like that Jon was like, “BRAN WILL EXPLAIN” because that’s what I do when I don’t understand something too.
So weird that the system of “ask everyone to swear they won’t tell” has failed — I for one am floored — but Sansa ends up telling Tyrion the secret about 20 minutes later.
Also: how DARE you say that you wanted to see the Stark’s reaction to Jon’s parentage reveal, you greedy uncouth viewer, instead you will get four scenes of Varys and Tyrion discussing the same thing, IT’S WHAT YOU DESERVE!!!!!!
“I’m going to look away every time he mentions that Jon is a Stark, so he will guess that he is not a Stark.”
“Sansa, you must be intimidated by me, it is okay to look away you sweet, timid girl.”
“Urgh ffs, Jon is a Targaryen, pass it on.”
Gendry (5 points)
Gendry had a weird day.
Initially he was just trying to figure out if the girl he liked had sex with him because she likes him back or just because she thought they were going to die, standard.
“Where is Arya,” he says to The Hound. “How can you think about Arya and love right now!!!!” says The Hound, outraged. “We can literally smell the burning bodies from in here!!!!!”
The Hound then seems to take the opposite opinion almost immediately.
“Gendry, I am appalled that you could be thinking about sexual intercourse while we are trying to enjoy our meals and ignore the wafting smell of corpses, it’s actually appalling.”
“On the other hand Gendry, what a time to be alive, enjoy your evening Gendry.”
Gendry barely got up from the table when Dany yelled, “You there! Young man who is somehow not in love with me, is your name Gendry?”.
Gendry says yes, because that is his name. Dany makes Gendry a lord and gives him a castle.
“We made the peasant happy, we will be popular forever.”
“I still hate you.”
“I can’t believe these people know my name, do they need me to make them a sword.”
He then skips off to propose to Arya who says, “Thanks so much but not this time, no” ah well you win some you lose some, Gendry.
Losers
Bran (4 points)
Me at my sister’s 25th birthday this weekend.
“You don’t want to be me, I’m literally in the past.”
All of these anonymous brunette beauties who seem to only want to have sex with weird old men (3 points)
Who says the fantasy elements of the show are gone!!!
Jaime (3 points)
Jaime, are you serious with this. ARE YOU SERIOUS.
“u up?”
“wow it’s hot in here, can you please take off my long-sleeve.”
“yes we’re kissing now, wow my moves also work on non-sisters.”
Ah, imagine their life together. Cuddled by the fire, discussing honour for five or six years before they both died at a wedding or on the toilet. That could be us, but you’re still in love with your sister.
“I always wanted to see your sister die, I’m sad to miss it, by the way congrats on your new relationship.”
“ Oh no, I had forgotten all about my attractive, limber sister.”
You hate to see this happen, truly.
Jaime leaves Brienne in bed and then fiddles loudly with the buckles on his horse until she comes out and is like, “Ummm?????”
“You’re a good man.”
“Am I though, I did many terrible things with the greatest of enthusiasm!!!!”
“I meant a ‘good looking’ man, okay seeya.”
Tyrion (2 points)
You know what’s awkward, when you pledge your allegiance to one Targaryen and then you hear about a different Targaryen — say, one that has never threatened to burn you alive — and you suddenly feel confused about which Targaryen you should be working for, so you just sort of sit in dark rooms drinking and thinking about that Five for Fighting song, which is weird because you’ve never even heard that song, they don’t have that here.
“It’s not easy/ to be, me.”
Dany (1 point)
This was a rough week for Dany, who started the episode in an extremely bad mood.
“That’s right, I saved you grubby brunettes, saved your dirty faces and your grey chilly house,” she tells her grateful subjects in Winterfell.
“BTW if anyone is concerned, I’m FINE.”
Jon gets far more attention than she does, which is a problem.
Tormund says, “He rode a dragon!” and everyone cheers. “Wait, I ride dragons all the time,” Dany thinks to herself. “He didn’t even stay murdered!” Tormund says and everyone laughs, it’s funny not to die. “I walked in fire a bunch of times,” thinks Dany, getting steadily more furious.
Dany spends the rest of the party frowning accusingly at everyone who could potentially disagree with her in the future.
“Now I am frowning too, is that what we are doing, my Queen.”
When planning the war against Cersei, Tyrion is all, “But we don’t want to massacre people — right?”.
Dany is furious that he has suggested that she does not want to massacre people. “We should probably give our army the chance to have a nap first?” says Sansa.
Dany is furious at the thought that anyone would be having a nap.
Jon senses that Dany is furious and also decides to be furious. He is like, “Sansa, we will honour this allegiance, also can you please stop embarrassing me in front of my new girlfriend”.
“Please sisters, be nice.”
“She is already so, so mad at me.”
It gets so much worse!
Dany loses one of her dragons and her best friend in the same day. (This show did Missi dirty and I will be speaking to the manager.) Oh, you best BELIEVE that she is going to be doing burning in the near future.
Game of Thrones Writer 1: “Dany has to be the bad guy now, how do we do this.”
Game of Thrones Writer 2: “Frowns? Being mad when your best friend dies and frowns.”
Game of Thrones Writer 1: “Yesssss, people hate that.”
Game of Thrones Writer 1: “And asking men to keep secrets.”
Game of Thrones Writer 2: “Yes! Haha.”
Game of Thrones Writer 1: “Haha.”
[Diplomacy that somehow everyone can hear.]
[Murders, just really heinous stuff.]
“WELL WELL WELL ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT.”
WHOMST CAN BLAME HER, not moi.
Death Count:
RIP, Missandei: the only woman of colour of the show (!!!!!!!!!) whose final act was to advise her best friend to burn this shit to the ground.
RIP, Rhaegal: was that necessary, alright.
RIP, whoever left that coffee in the shot.
WTF, Who knows
Jon
He did smile at one point?
“It’s so nice to have friends.”
“I TELL YA, IT’S SO NICE TO HAVE FRIENDS IT MAKES MY TUMMY HURT!!!!!”
The thing is, now that winter is over Jon has lost a key part of his identity. What should his personal brand be now???
“Maybe I should invent an app?”
“The app could be about connecting friends — not aunties, no reason — online.”
“Jon that’s Facebook, and no-one even uses it.”
“OH NO, WHY IS NOTHING EVER GOING RIGHT FOR ME???????”
Later on, Jon goes to make out with Dany and then remembers she is his aunt, so cannot make out with her.
This does not sit well with Dany, who wants to go back to how it used to be, at the start of their relationship (see: Season 8, Episode 1).
“Dany, I am sorry that I can’t bring myself to have sex with you now that I know that we are related.”
“It is certainly NOT okay, but is more okay if you swear to never to tell anyone you are the rightful heir.”
“That sounds fair to me, please don’t kill me, haha.”
“Haha.”
Seems fine, SEE YOU NEXT WEEK!
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Sinead Stubbins is a writer from Melbourne who has done stuff for Vulture, The AV Club, Pitchfork, Vice, frankie and Elle. She tweets about Drake, Gilmore Girls and cheeseburgers at @sineadstubbins.