‘Game of Thrones’ Power Ranking Season 8 Episode 3: Your Wights Could Never
This episode of 'Game of Thrones' made me sweat more than I’ve ever sweated. It made me weep… from my eyes.
Welcome to the Game of Thrones Power Rankings, where everyone in Game of Thrones is RANKED.
This show can go to hell, I’m serious.
This episode of television made me sweat more than I’ve ever sweated. It made me weep… from my eyes. I think I have cataracts from squinting at a completely pitch black screen for 82 minutes. It made me yell inane things like, “WOAH! Didn’t see that one coming!” and “Oh man, that’s crazy!” and “Phew!” and other embarrassing shit like that, like I’m the most basic person at your viewing party.
(I don’t watch the show at a viewing party.)
(I row a canoe out to the middle of the ocean, strip completely naked except for my socks, put on noise cancelling headphones and then fire up a pirated torrent on my Android device.)
Whatever, I’m okay.
I’m okay.
Hey good show though, thanks for not killing Brienne — LET’S DO THE POWER RANKING!!!!
Winners
Arya (infinity points)
Is Arya really out here losing her virginity and killing the Night King in the same 12 hour period?
“Want me to tell you which one was more satisfying.”
But we’re getting ahead of ourselves.
Before she went on an outstanding Eowyn-esque “Hey Witch King — I AM NO MAN!! Okay cool, now that I’ve killed you I might go smash Diver Dan, seeya later” run, Arya killed approximately 10,900 wights who were running around inside Winterfell.
Davos witnesses her doing a bit of this literal slaying and is politely incredulous about the whole thing.
“What the fuck.”
“Actually I don’t have time to be surprised as I will likely die this night, well done.”
“GET OUTTAR MY HOUUSEEEE!!!!”
The Hound is like “NOPE!” on account of there being a lot of fire and you know, the constant threat of horrible death.
Conversely, Beric is having the absolute time of his life. “Come and fight my friend!” he says with glee. “Come taste the thrill of mortality, oh the ecstasy of knowing how fleeting our time on this earth is, how transcendent the feeling –”
“No,” says The Hound.
Meanwhile, Arya does some sort of parkour off a building.
You’ll just need to take my word for it.
There she is.
When Arya was sneaking around the Winterfell library full of decrepit and loathsome bloodsuckers (weird, didn’t know this was filmed at my uni) it was very stressful — except I did enjoy the bit where a wight girl seemed to vomit all over Arya because truly, she hasn’t never seemed more 18 than at that moment.
“Tell Whitney to cool it on the Cocksucking Cowboys next week, it’s embarrassing.”
Me trying to avoid you on a tram.
Eventually she finds herself barricaded in a room with The Hound, Beric (rip) and Melisandre.
Melisandre is like, “Hello Arya, it is very nice to see you again” and Arya is like, “Hello, you were right I HAVE killed many people since we last met, I also grew my hair out”. Sensing it had been a minute since anyone had gotten to say something cool this episode, Melisandre asks Arya,
“What do we say to the god of death?” to which Arya says, “NOT TODAY!!!”
And then she appears to run… to a darker side of the screen.
“These old men are a joke and also they are losing, look one of these men is not even alive.”
“Wow you’re right I should be doing something cool, well best be off.”
“Arya where are you going, are you nervous, do you have the runs because you’re nervous?”
It turns out that she did NOT have the runs. She went to kill the Night King, who was walking very slowly towards her little brother and then staring at him a bit longer than necessary.
“Bran, I’m going to kill you now.”
“Bran, none of your soft mushy, non-ice brothers are here to save you.”
“Bran, please don’t make a scene.”
“Help, a hot, smooth rodent has jumped on me.”
NEVER UNDERESTIMATE A TEENAGE GIRL, FAM.
“We’ll fuck you up.
“Arya, save me now.”
Melisandre (8 points)
I tell ya, it’s pretty awkward when the Red Witch you vowed to murder turns up and you’re like, “Well look, I better get to murdering now, excuse me”.
But THEN she turns everyone’s swords into flame swords and is suddenly extremely popular and it’s like, “Ah fuck, well?” Quite a predicament for old Davos Seaworth, I tell ya.
“YOU GET A FIRE SWORD, AND YOU! AND YOU!”
“Can I get one too.”
“No.”
Melisandre is very “Don’t worry I get it, let’s chill, I promise I won’t put any leeches on anyone’s penis, I mean, I will if they want it, but not in any other circumstance, I’m chill, I’ll be dead before dawn, don’t even worry.”
So Davos just lets her walk around lighting trench fires, and the like.
Once all the wights are dead-dead, Melisandre walks out into the snow and as Davos watches, she takes off her necklace, turns into an old woman and just sort of flops down and dies, which is not dissimilar to what I do each week after Power Rankings (just kidding, I go to my 9-5 job after, I’m a fucking millennial).
“Wow, it turns out that Melisandre was good this whole time.”
“Maybe the greatest magic of all… was the friends we made along the way.”
(“I did burn a child alive once.”)
Theon (7 points)
I couldn’t imagine a better hero’s death for a less charismatic guy, well done Theon!
When Bran is like “later, bitches” and is wheeled away to trap the Night King in the Godswood decorative garden or whatever, Theon already seems stoic and self sacrificing.
“Ah, now is finally my time to shine.”
“So what does Bran do again, he’s going to keep me safe right.”
When they get to the Weirwood tree, Theon is like, “Bran, I am taking this time to say I am sorry, I will definitely live through the night but I’m saying it anyway, I’m sorry”. Bran is like, “Yep cool, you’re home.” Theon is overcome with emotion. “Bran, that is so nice of you to say, I’m so grateful that we get the chance to –”
“I’m going to go now,” says Bran, primarily to avoid having to have a conversation with Theon.
[Puts Out of Office on.]
Theon fights bravely and just before he dies, Bran says, “Theon, you are a good man”.
Theon cries, because he’s been waiting for someone to tell him that he was a good man this whole time, especially during times when he murdered children and abandoned all kinds of sisters. RIP Theon.
“Aw, poor Theon.”
“His name was Theon, right?”
Jorah (6 points)
I mean sure, Jorah may have died but he was definitely VERY powerful up until he, you know, died.
When Jorah raced forward with his Dothraki mates, everyone was impressed… until all their sword fires started going out.
Burning Man?
“Do you think that it’s a good sign that all the fires have gone out and there is total silence now.”
“Okay my bit is done, I’ve changed my mind, this is actually a bit too hard, home time for me.”
For most of the battle — even when he was defending Dany against zillions of wights — he seemed sort of unconcerned, like he had seen worse biffo in his time.
“This is nothin’ like the Euro ‘96 riot in Trafalgar Square, those lads knew how to have a bit of a barney, oi oi orrite orrite!”
He took many knives to the gut — almost Boromir style — but died while being hugged by Dany, which was his lifelong dream.
“I’ve still got it.”
Jaime and Brienne (5 points)
Good back-to-back fighting, guys!
(Was that what they were doing? Prestige television is so dark that I can only really make out shadowy blurs and feel sadness.)
Sisterrrrrs, are doing it for themselvessssss.
Losers
Those wights who had to build the body ramp (4 points)
“This is the last time I apply for a sponsored job on LinkedIn.”
Gendry (4 points)
“Why did I think being a blacksmith was bad again.”
Sansa (3 points)
All I’m saying is that Sansa was not very good at bucking up spirits, which seems to be something that the Lady of Winterfell should be good at doing.
When she enters the crypts, instead of saying comforting things like, “Don’t worry, those horrible screams mean that we’re winning” she is extremely, “Look, it’s not good”.
“The bad news is it looks like everyone out there is dying a super horrible death.”
“The good news is the crypts are very, very safe and made of sturdy stone, etc.”
“Oh.”
Like a rental property in the inner city, the crypts seem to be constructed primarily of styrofoam and putty and are easily punched open.
For a second it looks like Sansa and Tyrion have made some sort of silent suicide pact, but then it just seems like they’re holding hands and smiling and preparing for death. Then neither of them dies, awkward.
It’s like having a summer romance
Then accidentally ending up at the same high school
Tyrion (3 points)
In the crypts they’re are all listening to the last season of Serial, just kidding they are listening to people screaming, “LET US IN, WE’RE DYING OUT HERE”. Tyrion decides to break the tension by talking about how clever he is.
“I am VERY clever, perhaps everyone up there is too stupid to see how we win and that is why we are losing!!!!!!!”
“Are you kidding.”
“You have to be kidding.”
“I’m smart.”
He hasn’t done anything smart in a while, THAT’S ALL I’M SAYING.
Jon (1 point)
Look I’ll be totally honest, I have no idea what the fuck Jon did in this episode. This could be because the episode was dark and I couldn’t work out whose dragon was who, or it could be because he just didn’t actually do anything.
At first, Jon and Dany just watch the battle from a nearby hill.
“Could’ve gotten better seats.” “Do not start with me.”
Then Jon — who I am pretty sure has only been on a dragon for approximately two seconds in his whole life — gets on a dragon and starts burning wights, he is a dragon expert now. Unfortunately, the Night King causes a cool breeze and it is suddenly too foggy for Jon and Dany and their dragons to see anything.
This problem lasts for about 40 minutes.
“What is that??? Fog???”
“ARGHHHH, GET IT AWAY FROM ME!!!”
“Is there some sort of crying bear cub on that dragon, or is that our older brother.”
Is that fog part of the Night King’s magic or is that just what England is like, who knows, anyway Dany saves Jon like a million times and at one point they manage to knock the Night King off his ice dragon.
He doesn’t seem to care.
“Weeee.”
When Dany fails to burn the Night King, he literally smiles at Jon. SMILES AT HIM.
“Hey guys, honestly, I’m just so glad we’re all together.”
“Truly, you don’t know what it means to me to be the centre of it all.”
“Now that I’ve got your attention, would you care to look at my Soundcloud link.”
Jon runs towards his enemy, loses him, then just runs wildly around Winterfell until the end of the episode.
He ignores his friends in order to find the Night King, something that has all happened to all of us in the club once or twice!!!! I don’t know.
Night King (1 point)
We didn’t get to learn your secrets because the show didn’t care about them, oh well, seeya!
“Oh no a knife in my low belly in front of all my friends, my one weakness.”
Death Count: heaps
RIP Dothraki, you died doing what you loved: screaming and running.
RIP Beric, you died doing what you loved: dying.
RIP Edd, you really lasted a long time.
RIP Jorah, see above.
RIP Melisandre, see above.
RIP Lyanna Mormont, I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.
WTF, WHO KNOWS
Dany
Dany was vital in winning this battle, but she lost her Dothraki, her Jorah and look, her remaining dragons got banged up pretty good too.
“Urgh I hate this place, can I please speak to the manager.”
Although she has stopped using her PR voice, she seemed pretty mad at Jon when he was like, “Babe, cool your jets, we can’t set stuff on fire yet”. Then when she was in great peril, it wasn’t Jon who came to her aid.
HAS THERE ROMANCE SOURED ALREADY, I don’t know.
SEE YOU NEXT WEEK!
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Sinead Stubbins is a writer from Melbourne who has done stuff for Vulture, The AV Club, Pitchfork, Vice, frankie and Elle. She tweets about Drake, Gilmore Girls and cheeseburgers at @sineadstubbins.