Culture

The Internet Is Sure That Chris Evans Is Secretly A Golden Retriever, And We’re So On Board

Quick, someone give Chris Evans an uncooked egg.

by Jared Richards  3 October 2018
Chris Evans

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Chris Evans: even those two-five letter names make us tremble. Light of our life, fire of our loins. My sin, my soul. Chris Ev-ans; the tip to the tongue taking a trip of two steps… Anyway, point is he’s incredibly hot. He’s also, somewhat confusingly for my sexuality, a golden retriever. Let us explain.

Watching videos of Evans speak with unbridled enthusiasm, it becomes clear that his bubbly yet docile presence is reminiscent of a golden retriever.

Look, I feel like this is one of those things you either immediately understand or feel completely alienated by. Please let me know if you’re the latter, and we can avoid each other at all social gatherings and block each other online. Trust me, it’s better that way.

There is the slight complication by the fact that Evans’ rescue dog is not a retriever. Or maybe this only makes sense: a retriever could not own a retriever.

If you do need more evidence, a whole Twitter account is now dedicated to cataloguing the ways in which Captain America is the pre-anamorph of the blessed dog breed (obviously, BoJack Horesman‘s Mr. Peanutbutter is the end result). Behold @retrievans.

But it’s not just puppy bliss. Evans displays a range of dogged emotions.

There’s even some confusing thirst content in here too.

We must test this theory. Quick, someone give Evans a raw egg. Oh no, this got weird quickly. While we sort through some things and reevaluate our ranking of the best Hollywood Chris’, chuck @retrievans a follow.