Film

We Ranked Every Famous Hollywood Chris From Worst To Best

Not all Chrises are created equal.

by Patrick Lenton  29 June 2018
Chris Hemsworth

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Chris Hemsworth. Chris Pine. Chris Pratt. Chris Evans.

What do these four men have in common? They are all famous actors who play very brave superheroes in big action films. They are all handsome males, with muscular arms and trustworthy faces. And most importantly, they are all named… Chris.

Naturally, that means we must rank them from worst and most problematic, to the strongest and best Chris of them all.

There can only be one winner.

#4. The Goofy Chris: Chris Pratt

Everybody loves Chris Pratt! This big goofy boy loves pranks and jokes and being a funny man. Everyone loved it when he did his handsome glow-up from Andy Dwyer to the incredibly ripped Star Lord. Everybody loved his fun energy on Parks and Rec and Guardians of the Galaxy. He’s fun! Fun, fun, fun. It’s hard not to love him.

But he is the worst Chris.

He is defined by his chin, which sometimes looks great, and sometimes does not.

He’s handsome, I guess, with an amazing body that you KNOW he earned. If he was a dog, he’d be something massively slobbery. He’d be Beethoven.

But, it’s hard to forgive him for breaking up with Anna Faris. Who can ever trust someone who did that? Plus, as exposed in this GQ profile, he’s a hardcore Christian who enjoys erecting giant crucifixes, which isn’t necessarily problematic, but… eh.

Also, he LOVES shooting animals, and owns like a billion guns. Just not exactly pure and beautiful, you know? I’m not sure that’s he BAD, but the other Chrises are literal gods.

#3. The Melodic Chris: Chris Pine

Chris Pine seems like a really nice guy, who loves to sing and dance and have a good time. If he was a dog, he’d be something goofy and energetic like a terrier. He speaks out about good issues. He is good. He is definitely not the worst.

He was really great as the love interest in Wonder Woman, because there’s something weirdly non-threatening about him. It’s nice when this bouncy boy has a sing.

Chris Pine is defined by his eyebrows — they are luscious and deep, like an untouched winter forest, full of boars and hopes and dreams.

#2. The Purest Chris: Chris Evans

Chris Evans is absolutely the boy you take home to mother, he is an apple pie on legs, he smells like cinnamon and hope and America. If he was a dog, he’d be a proud Lassie dog who rescues you from a well.

He genuinely seems like a wholesome boy, a clear blue lake in which nobody has ever drowned. He loves his mother.

He is renowned for having a delightful, gentle and pro-feminist online presence, in which he will regularly post beautiful videos of his dog, or compliments about his friends. Junkee cannot confirm this, but i’d imagine hugging him would make you feel like everything is alright in the world.

Also, Chris Evans is one half of a on-and-off-again relationship with Jenny Slate, which is LEGITIMATELY the only celebrity couple that I give a shit about.

Chris Evans is most defined by BEAUTIFUL ARMS. That scene in Captain America: The Winter Soldier where he uses his arms to pull a helicopter to the ground is perhaps the most erotic moment from any superhero film ever.

Chris Evans plays Captain America, who is a very noble man who just wants everyone to be their best self. It’s the perfect role for this pure man.

#1. The Strongest Chris: Chris Hemsworth

If Chris Hemsworth was a dog, he’d be a good Labrador, all golden hair and loyalty and sunshine. He’s a big handsome boy, with endless energy and enthusiasm, who always catches the ball. That’s both a metaphor and probably an entirely true fact. We love him.

He is absolutely the best Chris.

Plus he literally romps around with a dog all the time and it’s perfect. He also romps around with his children a lot, which honestly does nothing for me, but I can imagine if you aren’t viscerally creeped out by babies, the sight of him being a good dad would be an ovary exploding journey.

Patriotically, we need to support our locally grown Chris, gestated in the salty womb of Home and Away, and carefully exported to Hollywood like a box of muscular tropical fruits. We should be proud that such a handsome boy came out of our garbage island.

Chris Hemsworth plays Thor, who is the most pure and handsome and funniest of all the superheroes, a thick sparkly unit who just wants the best for his friends. Thor loves his hammer, he loves fighting, and he loves his stinky adopted brother.

Chris Hemsworth is defined by his WONDERFUL TORSO:

Congratulations to all our wonderful, snazzy Chrises.

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Patrick Lenton is an author and staff writer at Junkee. He tweets @patricklenton.