We Ranked Every Famous Hollywood Chris From Worst To Best
Not all Chrises are created equal.
Chris Hemsworth. Chris Pine. Chris Pratt. Chris Evans.
What do these four men have in common? They are all famous actors who play very brave superheroes in big action films. They are all handsome males, with muscular arms and trustworthy faces. And most importantly, they are all named… Chris.
Naturally, that means we must rank them from worst and most problematic, to the strongest and best Chris of them all.
There can only be one winner.
Why does Hemsworth, the largest Chris, not simply eat the other three??
— no love deep weeb (@donniemnemonic) June 8, 2017
#4. The Goofy Chris: Chris Pratt
Everybody loves Chris Pratt! This big goofy boy loves pranks and jokes and being a funny man. Everyone loved it when he did his handsome glow-up from Andy Dwyer to the incredibly ripped Star Lord. Everybody loved his fun energy on Parks and Rec and Guardians of the Galaxy. He’s fun! Fun, fun, fun. It’s hard not to love him.
But he is the worst Chris.
He is defined by his chin, which sometimes looks great, and sometimes does not.
He’s handsome, I guess, with an amazing body that you KNOW he earned. If he was a dog, he’d be something massively slobbery. He’d be Beethoven.
But, it’s hard to forgive him for breaking up with Anna Faris. Who can ever trust someone who did that? Plus, as exposed in this GQ profile, he’s a hardcore Christian who enjoys erecting giant crucifixes, which isn’t necessarily problematic, but… eh.
Also, he LOVES shooting animals, and owns like a billion guns. Just not exactly pure and beautiful, you know? I’m not sure that’s he BAD, but the other Chrises are literal gods.
#3. The Melodic Chris: Chris Pine
Chris Pine seems like a really nice guy, who loves to sing and dance and have a good time. If he was a dog, he’d be something goofy and energetic like a terrier. He speaks out about good issues. He is good. He is definitely not the worst.
CHRIS PINE IS FUCKING ADORABLE!!!!!1!1!1!1! pic.twitter.com/fmIAp4G7Se
— Aria (@AriaBananaa) June 13, 2018
He was really great as the love interest in Wonder Woman, because there’s something weirdly non-threatening about him. It’s nice when this bouncy boy has a sing.
Chris Pine is defined by his eyebrows — they are luscious and deep, like an untouched winter forest, full of boars and hopes and dreams.
— Paula (@paulaoben) June 5, 2018
#2. The Purest Chris: Chris Evans
Chris Evans is absolutely the boy you take home to mother, he is an apple pie on legs, he smells like cinnamon and hope and America. If he was a dog, he’d be a proud Lassie dog who rescues you from a well.
He genuinely seems like a wholesome boy, a clear blue lake in which nobody has ever drowned. He loves his mother.
He is renowned for having a delightful, gentle and pro-feminist online presence, in which he will regularly post beautiful videos of his dog, or compliments about his friends. Junkee cannot confirm this, but i’d imagine hugging him would make you feel like everything is alright in the world.
This is the moment we met. He was trying so hard to stay seated even though he desperately wanted to get out. I knew right away that he was coming home with me, so I took this video to always remember our first hello. Rescue dogs are the best dogs!! #NationalPetDay pic.twitter.com/XjWxPWGDPu
— Chris Evans (@ChrisEvans) April 11, 2018
Also, Chris Evans is one half of a on-and-off-again relationship with Jenny Slate, which is LEGITIMATELY the only celebrity couple that I give a shit about.
Chris Evans is most defined by BEAUTIFUL ARMS. That scene in Captain America: The Winter Soldier where he uses his arms to pull a helicopter to the ground is perhaps the most erotic moment from any superhero film ever.
— Chris Evans News (@CEvansNews) June 14, 2018
Chris Evans plays Captain America, who is a very noble man who just wants everyone to be their best self. It’s the perfect role for this pure man.
#1. The Strongest Chris: Chris Hemsworth
If Chris Hemsworth was a dog, he’d be a good Labrador, all golden hair and loyalty and sunshine. He’s a big handsome boy, with endless energy and enthusiasm, who always catches the ball. That’s both a metaphor and probably an entirely true fact. We love him.
He is absolutely the best Chris.
Listen, this concept of Chris Hemsworth walking through yellow flowers needs to be canon pic.twitter.com/XNIl6oBCND
— Sabrina Ragnahoe ☀️🐍⚡️| semi-hiatus (@WalkingFannibal) June 7, 2018
Plus he literally romps around with a dog all the time and it’s perfect. He also romps around with his children a lot, which honestly does nothing for me, but I can imagine if you aren’t viscerally creeped out by babies, the sight of him being a good dad would be an ovary exploding journey.
i hope these lovely photos of chris hemsworth and these doggos brighten your day pic.twitter.com/KQjbesy69K
— chlei | AMATW!!! (@THORSDOMINO) June 9, 2018
Today is world oceans day! My happiest memories have been spent in and around the ocean. When I was a kid surfing with my brothers & my dad and now being able to do it with my kids is the greatest thing I could’ve ever hoped for. #WorldOceansDay #loveouroceans @oceana @parleyxxx pic.twitter.com/f0lrpOcqLy
— Chris Hemsworth (@chrishemsworth) June 8, 2018
Patriotically, we need to support our locally grown Chris, gestated in the salty womb of Home and Away, and carefully exported to Hollywood like a box of muscular tropical fruits. We should be proud that such a handsome boy came out of our garbage island.
Chris Hemsworth plays Thor, who is the most pure and handsome and funniest of all the superheroes, a thick sparkly unit who just wants the best for his friends. Thor loves his hammer, he loves fighting, and he loves his stinky adopted brother.
Chris Hemsworth is defined by his WONDERFUL TORSO:
Thank goodness my Netflix account can’t talk to me cause it’d probably say “Are you really fast forwarding to Chris Hemsworth’s shirtless scene in Thor: Ragnorak…again!?” pic.twitter.com/kT05TD77PH
— Caliente Chinito (@CalienteChinito) June 8, 2018
I mean… you are a funny dude @chrishemsworth but we couldnt miss the shirtless scenes….
Same @TaikaWaititi same……
i just wanna thank not only god but taika for making chris be shirtless. Ok bye pic.twitter.com/SFO3GhaSSH
— inactive bc exams :(⚡️ (@gddessofthunder) June 12, 2018
Congratulations to all our wonderful, snazzy Chrises.
Patrick Lenton is an author and staff writer at Junkee. He tweets @patricklenton.