The Bachelorette Semi-Final Recap: Georgia Love Has Finally Detected The Alien Intruder

Oh, to be Georgia Love! To be encased in gowns that sparkle and split awkwardly at the hip! To be pursued by three men with the collective charisma of that film that grows on the top of yoghurt!

You know what, I don’t know about you guys, but I truly did not understand love until watching Georgia Love, the ‘unemployed’ spinster from Tassie, ride in helicopters and lounge on rooftops with identical men with identical side-swept hair and identical beady eyes and identical cream cheese skin and identical muscly arms that look like small babies are trying to burst out of a fleshy cage, and identical personalities and identical names; they’re all named ‘Sam’*. How does the show do it??

I tell ya, I feel more heterosexual now than I ever have in my whole life!!!!!!

Now, because the producers won’t go for her extremely modern time-share idea, Georgia Love must identify the weak link in her man harem and pull them, like extracting a rotten tooth that has been steadily decaying and stewing in pus, its bacteria threatening to eat away the shiny enamel of the remaining teeth, spreading foul infection and poisoning the very air. Because that’s what love is like, kids :)

WE ONLY GOT ONE EPISODE LEFT MOTHERFUKKKAS, YEOOOOOOW!!!!

Last night Georgia spent a lot of time staring at rocks and contemplating how the hell she was going to choose between these “three very different guys”. Haha, cracker call Georgia!! Oh wait, she’s serious. Georgia thinks these men have very different and specific attributes (???) and apparently that’s making this pre-finale episode difficult to bear.

But she has to choose one, otherwise she’ll be… single. A single 28-year-old woman. BETTER GET A BUNCH OF CATS, HANG UP YOUR BRA, GET A REALLY BIG TUB OF HUMMUS AND ONLY WATCH OLD EPISODES OF LAW AND ORDER: SUV GEORGIA, YOU’RE DONE IF YOU DON’T FIND A FELLA, MATE!!!

“They all like me!” she says, pretending to be sad. Ugh it sucks so much to be so adored by multiple cardboard cut-out boys!!!! It’s like every member of One Direction being in love with you, ugh what a nightmare!!

Lee is 100 percent committed to Georgia, but is struggling to get his mind off the other two “amazing guys” (man, this time-share thing would really work if they gave it half a chance). Because this show has spent its entire budget on helicopters — so much so that they can’t even afford to go to New Zealand this year — Lee and Georgia get in a helicopter and experience all the glitz and glamour of your grade six camp. “It’s surreal!” Lee says. “We’re flying in a helicopter!”

Lee is handsome, and maybe that is enough.

Lee and Georgia have nothing to say to one another, but it doesn’t matter because Georgia says that what she has for Lee isn’t just “a feeling” which I guess is her justifying only wanting to date this man for his pretty face? The producers have run out of ideas for dates, so the date is revisiting the locations for their previous dates on the show. One of the dates was literally last week. “So many memories,” says Georgia, about her and Lee’s date on the weekend. Imagine the stuff they cut out.

After their thrilling trip down memory lane — memories which were forged a day and a half ago — they sit down on gross spiky grass and drink sparkling wine. Lee shows how wacky crazy he is by throwing his plastic champagne flute over his shoulder. Georgia thinks this is so funny. I feel like I’m having an existential crisis. The whole time Lee talks about his feelings though, Georgia’s jaw is weirdly clenched?

Lee thinks all the dates they’ve been on have been swell, but boy did he like it when Georgia came to Melbourne because MeLbOuRnE rUlEs! Haha, how good is Melbourne #melbourne.

The pair hop on bikes because budget cuts only allowed the helicopter rental for 20 minutes and Lee immediately asks Georgia “can you see us doing this in Melbourne?” and then starts talking about South Melbourne Dim Sims, because if chicks are turned on by anything, it’s smelly mystery meats encased in a slimy beige skin. Lee waxes lyrical about markets, a phenomenon that is absolutely exclusive to Melbourne.

“Lee keeps mentioning Melbourne,” Georgia observes astutely. Lee jumps off his bike and starts doing the Melbourne shuffle.

It’s clear that Lee is somehow involved with Melbourne’s board of tourism and to amuse herself, Georgia decides to make his love of Melbourne a problem.

“What if I wasn’t from Melbourne?” Georgia says.

“The fact is, you are from Melbourne,” Lee says, confused.

“WHAT IF I WAS FROM BRISBANE THOUGH?”

Good grief. Lee decides to be diplomatic, Melbourne style. “I came into this knowing you could be from anywhere,” says Lee. What a sacrifice! Georgia is bloody touched that Lee would like her even if she came from Brisbane, which they discuss in hushed tones like it is Mordor. They both decide that their bond is stronger than Melbourne. Cool, whatever.

They kiss, and Lee wonders if they should wed at Flinders Street Station, graf their vows in Hosier Lane, get matching stick-and-poke tattoos on their feet and encourage people to throw scalding batch brew on them in lieu of confetti. “She’ll love it, Lee,” says Lee’s imaginary friend, who sounds and looks like Daniel Andrews.

STEADY ON LEE, THERE ARE OTHER BOYS TO CONTEND WITH! Here comes Jakey!!!

It’s absolutely mystifying as to why monotone Jake, who always just looks a bit constipated, is still in the competition. But then Georgia is the kind of person who likes normal stuff, you know? Georgia probably washes her hair every day. Georgia has never forgotten to wear deodorant. Georgia has never cut her toenails anywhere but the bathroom. Georgia goes to the dentist.

Anyway, Jake is as normal as earwax and is a sales professional who barely emotes and is just always trying to kiss Georgia instead of talk to her. If you told me Jake was an alien lifeform who was sent to earth to observe our mating rituals, I would 100 percent believe you.

Anyway, Jakey puts down his book Mimicking Human Behaviour long enough for them to go on a romantic yacht, which they pretend to sail in Sydney Harbour. Georgia wants to recreate the Titanic thing — what is it with this show and Titanic, why is drowning via iceberg always at the forefront of everyone’s minds — and Jake plays along, because thankfully Titanic and Babe: Pig In The City are the two human DVDs allowed on his home planet.

Georgia feels “drawn” to Jake, which means she obviously doesn’t care about his weird kissing style. They keep telling each other how lucky they feel, so as to avoid having an actual conversation. “I can’t wipe the smile off my face,” says Jake, recalling a particularly warm moment from Babe: Pig In The City.

Jake lives on the Gold Coast (allegedly), which may be a deal breaker. He also wears a gold pinky ring, which is not a deal breaker. Interesting. “Distance is only distance if you let it be,” says Jake, wondering how he’ll be able to tell Georgia that he really lives in space. He then tells her that his next relationship will be “forever”, which I assume is part of the mating rules in his cosmos, and Georgia seems not excited by that prospect.

But I think I can speak for all of us when I say that we need Matty J to win. Imagine if Matty J doesn’t win? Matty J spent the entire episode trying to tell Georgia that he loved her and failing a bunch of times. Every time he came close his eyes would sort of glaze over.

“I’ve only ever used the L-word with one other girl,” says Matty J, and presumably then the girl agreed to have sex with him and that was that. Haha, just kidding Matty J, you’re alright! Georgia picks up Matty in a very phallic, shiny car, which he then drives, and they go to some whiskey and gin place.

“IT’S NO SECRET I LOVE WHISKEY!!!!” Georgia says. Georgia is done, y’all. They drink gin martinis and for the second time that day, Matty J tries to tell Georgia he loves her. “THIS WORKS WELL!!” he says, sweating profusely.

“The martini? Yeah!” Georgia says, slurping hers down, dulling the sharp pull of the patriarchal forces that have forced her to be on this dumb show. “:(” says Matty J.

For reasons that have a lot to do with the fact that Georgia Love has experienced several months of sexual frustration, Matty J and Georgia get into the jacuzzi and ah, hug. The hug for a really long time. Yep, just some close hugging. In between the hugging, Georgia makes up some dumb suit like she’s worried that she and Matty J have too much fun, or something.

“I want to see all sides of you,” Georgia says. Oh boy.

Matty J tries to tear his mind away from all the hugging that he wants to do and begins hyperventilating. The time is now! “I’m falling in love with you!” he says. Georgia is like “lol, I know” and starts energetically kissing him. Then they hug close, but this time Georgia is kind of cradling him like he’s a baby bird? Lucky Matty J looks good without a shirt on.

In the end, one of these men had to hit the dusty trail. In a cruel joke, the producers forced all three contestants to wear velvet blazers in different colours, like they were the co-founders of a candy emporium in the 1920s.

Bye Jake! You’ll have to observe human behaviour elsewhere. “I showed Georgia the real me,” Jake says while playing with his pinky ring. May have been the pinky ring, dude.

So who will win? It’s anyone’s game. After all, The Bachelorette, like the Discover Weekly function on Spotify, shows one’s true heart even if you don’t want to see it. But if Georgia Love ever wants to visit Sydney again, boy she better pick Matty J.

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The Bachelorette finale is on tonight at 7.30pm on Channel Ten. You can read last week’s power ranking here.