The Bachelorette Power Ranking Week 5: Georgia Bitterly Exterminates Those Who Dare To Dissent

Bury me here. Bury me in this sea of sparkling wine and picnic rugs. Wrap me in dresses of red tulle that are on loan from David Jones, tease my hair until it forms a regal bird’s nest on my head. Catapult heaps of pleasantly indistinguishable white men at me, gel their hair strands and squeeze them into ill-fitting velvet blazers. Keep this going for eternity. I cannot get enough of this exquisite prison.

Anyway, this week the contestants sang Georgia song.

LET’S DO THE POWER RANKING!

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Lee (5 points)

Lee is doing well this week, mostly because he seemed very enthusiastic about re-enacting the Dirty Dancing catching scene with Georgia, which apparently is every girl’s dream? All girls want is someone who is willing to prevent them from breaking their neck when they choose to recklessly leap into the air with abandon. Women, amirite.

It is home town visits this week and Lee’s home town is Melbourne, which means that they do insufferable things like drink espresso martinis on the roof of a Victorian terrace. “To Melbourne!” they both toast. Bleugh. In true Melbourne style, the historic building is then swiftly demolished to make room for giant highrise apartments for people who actually hate the inner city, and will spend the rest of the dumb lives making noise complaints. Welcome to Melbourne, enjoy your stay :)

Georgia explains that Lee has made it this far because of his, and I quote, “ridiculous sense of humour”. The producers then provide a montage to prove just how ridiculous Lee’s sense of humour is. This is nice, but Lee is not funny. Like, at all. The half-empty takeaway coffee cup on my desk is funnier than Lee. The text I just got from Optus telling me I need to pay $200 immediately is funnier than Lee.

Anyway, Georgia thinks Lee is the funniest thing since Rove McManus so goes and visits his fancy Melbourne house and discovers that he’s actually a secret rich. He’s also exotic – Lee’s grandmother is Dutch! “MY GRANDMOTHER HAS AN ACCENT!!!” he says, excitedly. “OMG!!!” Georgia says.

Lee’s family are mostly nice to Georgia, except when Lee’s mother tells Georgia that all of Lee’s girlfriends have been “beautiful” and that she’s the only non-blonde he has ever dated. This is an extremely offensive thing to say and Georgia is absolutely flabbergasted that Lee’s mum has dared to point out that she is a woman on national TV who is not a blonde. Georgia then apologises to Lee’s mum for being “selfish” enough to go on The Bachelorette, or something.

Lee’s grandma is the best thing about this episode and frankly, the whole season. When Georgia tells everyone that she’s from Tasmania, Lee’s grandma says, “That’s where he was conceived”. Everyone laughs because that is such a wacky thing to say, this foreign woman is so wacky. “Lee is not perfect,” Lee’s grandma then very seriously tells Georgia when they sit at the dinner table. Huh?

Is Lee’s grandma trying to warn Georgia of something, what is going on here.

Everyone tries to ignore Lee’s grandma’s solemn attempts to caution Georgia by asking Georgia how she’s handling Lee’s “crazy sense of humour”. What the fuck?? How has Lee cultivated this reputation as being this mental crackerjack of a comedian when I have literally never seen him tell one funny joke on this entire show??

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Matty J (4 points)

Matty J has fallen in love with Georgia, which will make it difficult when she eventually picks Lee over him. Well just like that saying from The OC goes, “It is better to have loved and lost than to have never, etc. etc. etc.”

Just like Matty J himself, Matty J lives in a pleasant, non-descript place that has no major identifying features. He wants Georgia “out of her comfort zone” so he takes her on a horse ride and discusses how his family were so wealthy that he and his sister both belonged to ‘pony club’.

Matty wants to impress upon Georgia that he and his sister are VERY close — no not like that, you sicko!!!! He warns her that his sister is pressuring him to start a family, which doesn’t sound real, but okay. This stressed Georgia out. As soon as they get into the house, Matty’s baby nephew starts pulling her hair, as though he is punishing her for failing to procreate in a timely fashion.

Matty’s brother goes in strong, but quickly looses steam when he realises that he doesn’t care about this whole thing too much.

“SO HOW DOES IT FEEL BEING IN A MAN HARAM, GEORGIA??”

“Ah, I’m not in that headspace.”

“SO HOW DOES IT FEEL JUST FLITTING FROM MAN TO MAN, HEY GEORGIA???”

“I don’t think about it like that”

“Oh okay, tuck in!!”

Matty’s sister tells Georgia that “I don’t think I can give him up to Melbourne” which is pretty weird and irrelevant really, as Matty J is a grown man. “I don’t know what my job will be with…” Georgia says by way of explanation, because that Channel Ten contract hasn’t come through yet, yo!

Matty’s sister is still unsure about the whole ‘dating multiple men’ thing (she says of Matty “I want to wrap him up and take him away from this” which is um, okay, steady on lady) and the fact that Georgia doesn’t immediately want to fall pregnant. Georgia explains that she is confused because, “I can see my future with more than one guy”.

All Matty’s sister wants to do is wrap him up and keep him in Sydney forever so they can keep riding ponies together. What’s wrong with that, nothing, you sickos.

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Jake (3 points)

Jake is a disgusting kisser.

One thing is for sure, Jake and Georgia still give us butterflies. #BacheloretteAU pic.twitter.com/khRy0ZukA0

— #BacheloretteAU (@BacheloretteAU) October 19, 2016

There’s not much to say about Jake. Jake is not long for this world (as in, the world of the competition. I can’t see the future… OR CAN I? [I can’t.]). Jake asks Georgia to make a “symbolic turkey” for his family, partly to see how the missus goes in the kitchen and mostly to reenact that scene from Ghost but with a raw bird carcass instead of sensual clay.

The rest of the hometown visit is uneventful. Jake neither wins or loses in the ranking this week. Jake’s brother asks Georgia how she can tell Jake apart from the other contestants. This is a very good and prescient question, to be honest. Jake’s family don’t want Jake to move to Melbourne and Georgia can’t move to Sydney, which concerns everyone. At the end they all agree that every family has values.

If I lay here, If I just lay here.

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So who did she ditch?

Bye Cam! Poor Cam! This never happened in a Disney movie!

As Cam left, he whispered to Georgia, “In that room, those are the best four guys I’ve ever met in my life”. Imagine being Cam’s best mate and his brother watching at home and hearing Cam say that four guys who look like identical paper snowflakes, four guys who he met a month ago, were the best guys he has ever met in his entire life. What is happening in Cam’s life, if this is truly the case. 

Bye Courtney! Ooft Courtney.

After repeatedly telling Georgia that he “doesn’t know” if he wants to be with her or if he’ll ever fall in love with her, Courtney was swiftly booted this week without even getting a rose ceremony. This was probably because when Courtney was describing the experience to his family – in front of Georgia – he kept using words like “stressful” and “confusing” and made it seem more akin to Guantanamo Bay than to a dating game show.

“Do you think you could fall in love?” asked Georgia.

“I CAN’T THINK THAT FAR AHEAD, OKAY?” said Courtney.

“But like… we are running out of time.”

“MAYBE I’VE NEVER BEEN IN LOVE.”

Ohhh boy.