All The Heterosexual Nonsense I Was Forced To Endure During Episode 12 Of ‘Bachelor In Paradise’
They should call the show Mum Island!!!
Hello, and welcome to Junkee’s recaps of Bachelor In Paradise, where we watch episodes of Bachelor In Paradise and try to pretend we’re OK with all the hetero nonsense we see in front of us.
Bachelor In Paradise reminds me of most of my long-term relationships, in the sense that it’s gone on far too long, and nobody knows precisely when it will end, but it’s very obvious to everybody else that it will end soon.
But boy oh boy, it’s gonna end soon! I wanna drive over my own head in a ute!!!!!!!
On Sunday, we have the finale, and I cannot wait for that sweet period of two and a half days where I will get to enjoy my life before The Bachelor starts.
But we’re at the pointy end of BIP, and like in many other previous seasons, the show has worked its inscrutable magic on me, and SOMEHOW, despite all my bitching and moaning, it seems like there’s actually some nice relationships going on? Not many, but some. And that’s nice. I feel nice about them. I’m full of… what do you call this, a certain how you say, jojo siwa?
A feeling of hope? Of mild affection? Stockholm Syndrome? Whatever. I just… believe in romance, despite everything. ANYWAY. WHATEVER. SHUT UP.
I will say that this season of Bachelor In Paradise has been utterly baffling. Because there’s so many episodes, Bec and I halved them between us. As I edit her recap, this usually means that I am fully across everything that happens. But with FOUR episodes, it’s just so confusing. I never know who anybody is? I never know where anybody has gone? What is time?
WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE???? I’m going to call them Harold and Babs.
We start off the episode with a rose ceremony, which doesn’t help my “old man just woken up from a nap” vibe of confusion and grumpiness, and literally two people I’ve never seen in my life decide to fuck off rather than meet each other’s parents. Tight! Did they just wander in? Were they marooned after a mid-ocean yacht collision and get sucked into the high-paced and glamorous world of dipshit dating?
Anyway, goodbye to Hazza and Mabs.
Brittney and Jackson also decided to fuck off, and I’m sad for Brittney because I just want her to be happy. I’m not so much sad for Jackson, as much as I’m slightly upset that I didn’t get to see him accidentally walk through a thin tropical wall this season, the tremendous dark-matter-esque weight of his skull propelling him through like a wrecking ball, like the Kool-Aid Man, bamboo exploding as he stumbles through.
However, he did endear himself to me in ways beyond simply the fact that I believe his skull weighs the same amount as a prize-winning hog, when he said this about Brittney:
“Brittney is one of a kind and everyone knows that, and I’m lucky that she showed interest in me”
This is the mood. Every man on this island should just feel lucky that any woman looks at him.
OK. Let’s rank, babies. Important comma, we should not rank babies.
LEAST ANNOYING
Glenns
The world was shook to discover that our surprise hero Gregg, the beige horse of BIP, the wholegrain bread of the island, had a twin brother.
Imagine TWO Glergs.
IN UNISON: ha ha ha, g’day
“HES NOT JUST MY BROTHER, HE’S MY TWIN BROTHER” said the Glenn that I assume has been on the island the whole time.
“We talk the same, we speak the same way” explained one of the Glenns, helpfully.
Anyway, Glenn and Glenn 2, or Greggs Squared, didn’t really do anything, but I loved it all. If you have to add another man into the mix, make him quiet and basically the same as another one.
ha ha ha
One Nervous Dad
So, it was family day on the island, and the Ryan who I realise now is named Matt, bought his gentle and nervous father along. The only dad on the island I think, which might have made him a bit nervous. I imagine he would have spent a lot of time standing in the dark next to a barbecue.
i reckon at one point he said “this is a bit flash, isn’t it?” and pointed to something like a cheese knife.
Anyway, nervous dad didn’t do much, but he did say things like “ahh, that’s good then” and “gee mate, makes me happy to see you happy”. Very pure. He also seems very proud of Matt’s career riding bicycles, which is also nice.
MUM’S ON PARADE
The QUEENS of this episode, the absolute highlight, the JOY, the PURITY, the WONDER, were the vast influx of MOTHERS.
What can I say, I just love some good mum energy, and there was some powerful mum vibes brought in to this episode, doing a lot to dispel the dank straight man stank, like some Glenn 20 or whatever. Windex? I dunno, various Mum Sprays.
Alisha’s mum was brilliant. “We’re a family of strong women, and we look after each other.”
tfw you are pleased your daughter has found a glenn
“Ok the rules of today: no baby chat, no flirting… ok a little bit of flirting if you have to,” said Alisha to her mum. “Please don’t call him your son-in-law, please don’t say you’ve got the spare room set up, like play it cool!”
Donna managed to do pretty well, although she was immediately charmed by Glenn.
“You’re making it really difficult for a mummy to give a good grilling” she says.
“This is not flirting, by the way.”
One of the funniest bits though was when she was talking about how a relationship is a partnership, and she asked Glegg if he was willing to “put in his 50%”, and like, I get what she means, but it really was an exemplar of the low bar for men. Go ahead boy, give us 50% and we’ll be pleased!
“I’m in some alternative land of amazingness” she tells us later, which really has big “mum had three glasses of champas” energy.
tfw you have raised a queen
Conor’s mum basically immediately started crying when she met Mary, and that was also good mum energy.
But the mum energy didn’t just stop at the wholesome… it also got used to absolutely RUIN some British wankers life, and it was everything.
MOST ANNOYING
Ciarran
Ciarran was the most annoying by far, managing to be both oblivious, gaslighty, AND massively defensive again this episode, especially in conversations with Kiki (also whomst?????) who had to confront him about a bunch of lies.
But we won’t spend another moment on that, because this episode Ciarran was torn apart by a bunch of mothers and grandparents.
First, Renee’s grandparents come in, and Renee tells them that Ciarran, who cheated on her and broke her heart, is on the island. We get this reaction.
“My ex, Ciarran, is on the island”
“But I hate him!”
So not only are we treated to that, then Kiki introduces Ciarran to her mum, who wastes absolutely no time tearing the blinkin’ bollocks off this likely lad, innit.
“It’s pretty serious when you sleep with someone else,” she says, stone-faced, watching him flounder. “It’s a real dog act, actually, do you think she deserves that?”
Ciarran does an absolutely shit job at defending herself, and Kiki’s mum voices the entire Bachelor In Paradise viewership as she just goes in HARD ON HIM.
MUM: So did you not think of her when you were doing that?
“ooo-er, please be kind on me, the ferret-boy, guvnor!”
CIARRAN: No, I was just thinking of myself
MUM: well that’s very selfish
Anyway. It rocked.
Never To Annoy Me Again
This show! This is my last recap. Bec will do the finale on Sunday! But never fear, join us again for The Bachelor... next fucking week.
Patrick Lenton is the Editor of Junkee. He tweets @patricklenton.