All The Heterosexual Nonsense I Was Forced To Endure During Episode 10 Of ‘Bachelor In Paradise’
This is a Glenn/Gregg stan account now.
Hello, and welcome to Junkee’s recaps of Bachelor In Paradise, where we watch episodes of Bachelor In Paradise and try to pretend we’re OK with all the hetero nonsense we see in front of us.
Hello everyone! It’s me, your host for this evening. Can I get you anything? A whisky? A valium? A girlfriend to stroke your hair after you’ve had whisky and a valium? Yes these are just all the things I desperately want, but as the saying goes, “A good host always asks even if they can’t provide”.
Honestly not sure who said that because I just made it up. So I guess me! Anyway I’m coping well, how are you?
Now look, we are in the final week of Bachelor In Paradise. Can you believe it? We started this process together a mere days, weeks, months, or perhaps years ago. My recollection of the last couple of months are mainly views of my bedroom ceiling, occasionally intersected with dreamy visions of blurry tattooed figures and heterosexual conversations streaming through like staticky white noise I can’t fall asleep to.
I don’t know if it’s just I am becoming more deranged by the second watching this show, but there were a couple of instances during this episode where I found myself charmed by some heterosexual dating activities. It was like I was seeing snow for the first time — something I’ve heard about, but only ever seen in movies. The first was watching Jackson and Brittany throw a ball back and forth until they ended up tangled together, and the second was Matt and Renee flying a kite.
How absolutely quaint! It was fascinating seeing such historical cultural artefacts play out on screen, I felt a bit like people in Jurassic Park seeing dinosaurs for the first time.
Life uh..finds a way
Clever girl :’)
But as always, just like in real life, you can always rely on some terrible man to come along and ruin my goodwill towards straight people. So let’s see who it was this time!
MOST ANNOYING
Cass
Twist! Sometimes straight women can also ruin my goodwill towards heterosexuals! The doctor was a woman!
Wow guys, Cass is so mean. She has discussed publicly that some of the editing was done to make her sound bad, but unless the makers of Avatar CGId her face onto the face of a really mean woman in these last two eps, this was all her. First, she tried to swoop in on Jackson even knowing that Brittney was interested in him, which is like…bad…but okay. I actually don’t realllly care about that, these people are there to stay having free margaritas by the pool, and it’s a bit boring if everyone is claimed the first day they arrive.
The trouble is that Cass was so disingenuous and mean-spirited in the process. She told Brittney she wouldn’t interfere, she then interfered, and then absolutely could not bring herself to apologise. But what she could bring herself to say, over and over again, were mean comments about Brittney, and being BAFFLED as to why Jackson would choose Brittney over her.
She kept saying patronising and awful things like “I’m just confused…it’s Brittney….you know what I mean?”
Then when it became clear that Jackson had started picking up she was disingenuous and began spending more time with Brittney, she went off saying that it was just that he’s confused and “doesn’t know what he wants”. Well, seems he does know what he wants babe, and it’s just not you.
Turns out no, it wasn’t a tough choice :)
Ciarran
Ciarran sucks so hard he is basically a tattooed Dyson.
But hopefully this has taught all us all a valuable lesson, which is, don’t listen to men. I think this Ciarran situation has been so annoying because it has paralleled many instances in real life, where you think a man is good, and then it turns out, he is bad and disappointing actually.
As a queer woman, a lot of my life has involved watching amazing, smart, beautiful women diminish themselves and turn themselves inside out for some man who absolutely does not deserve their time, let alone their love. And yes, this is all about me. I am the real victim.
In last night’s ep we saw Kiki get emotional because she spent so long sticking up for Ciarran. She defended him to Alisha and Renee and others who know his true colours and were looking out for Kiki, only to then have him admit that he had sex with Jess before Kiki arrived, even though they had agreed that he would wait for her in Paradise.
She was crying and upset and talking about how much he humiliated her, all just so he could have a good time. It seemed like a pretty severe argument, but cut to the next episode, and they are Baywatching all over the place.
Everything seems hunky-dory, and Ciarran says that they simply had ‘make up sex’ and everything is fine and back to normal. Great, wonderful, love it this is good!!!!!!! The only saving grace of this entire scene was Mary saying that Ciarran’s braids made him look like Snoop Dogg and Alisha called him “Lil’ Ciarran” and laughed a lot at him.
Me, feeling normal.
Straight Men Being Aggressive Dipshits
In last night’s episode, the tension that had been an undercurrent between Timm, Ciarran and Matt blew up, mainly because Timm and Ciarran were being absolute aggro losers. I like Matt, but he was also a bit of a dipshit for getting involved and arguing with these two other dipshits.
I know we keep harking on about this, but Timm’s insistence that Matt had done something wrong by going after Ciarran’s ex Renee, even though they were broken up because CIARRAN CHEATED ON HER and he didn’t have anything to say when CIARRAN went after HER FRIEND JESS is absolutely mind-blowing levels of dipshit behaviour and has ruined every positive thought I ever had about Timm.
He went after Matt, trying to tell him that everyone in Paradise hates him, and that everyone at home would see that he is a dog and a snake. Some sort of hybrid snake-dog perhaps. Sounds pretty harmless.
Hello it’s me, captain dipshit
Ciarran, true to form, was the worse. He went aggressively after Alisha for whispering at the dinner table, and then tried to get in her face again when she nervous-laughed after he walked off, and then he got up in Matt’s grill.
This is how i like to approach women who don’t fall for my shit :)
I’m a little English dipshit
This was the same pattern Ciarran has shown this entire series — if he is confronted with his bad behaviour he chucks a tantrum and gets aggressive and storms off. Overall bad vibes! No thanks! Not interested! Go kiss the Queen! (a huge insult in England). Don’t reward men like this with your love!
Me waiting for you to dump your boyfriends.
LEAST ANNOYING
Glenn/Gergeg
Good lord, what has happened to us. How have we found ourselves here. The world is upside down. Left is right, up is down, and Glenn is on this list. I didn’t realise until this episode that Glenn’s last name is literally SMITH. Glenn Smith. Glenn appeared early on my ‘most annoying’ lists because he was very boring to me, and his name Glenn Smith does not exactly spice things up.
But since the arrival of Alisha, I have come to appreciate him even more. He seems to be incredibly into Alisha, which I love, because she is the best. If a straight man wishes to endear himself to me, the best way to do that is to act like he knows how lucky he is to be graced with the presence of the woman who has deigned to date him.
But not only does he meet that requirement, he also has proven himself to defend and stand up for Alisha against awful men. Importantly, he does not do that in a patronising ‘mlady way. Alisha is smart and righteous and he lets her absolutely go off, but when someone like Ciarran is pressing too hard, he steps right in to calmly defend his Queen.
He also did the same thing when the dipshit men began fighting, trying to stop it from getting physical using his words.
I’m Glenn Smith and i’m not a dipshit.
We simply have no choice but to stan that behaviour. Yes…I am being forced to stan Glenn Smith. Nothing makes sense anymore.
Brittany
Brittany is such a weirdo, she is so funny, I am delighted by her every action and move. I am happy when she is happy, and in this episode she was very happy.
She got to play football with the football guy, she got to have a cute little beach date with him, and she got smooched by him. And in classic Brittany behaviour, she had a drink in her hand, and while they were kissing she smoothly transported it into her other hand.
She’s perfect.
Conor
I think Mary has been a great contestant both on her season of The Bachelor and also this season of BIP. She sometimes says some dicey things, but she’s so funny, and a great talking head. Similarly to Gregg, Conor is on this list because he is a balm, soothing the burn of men treating women badly. Basically, he is a simp for Mary, and otherwise remains placid and quiet.
The things we mainly get to hear him say are compliments to Mary, and that’s all I need from him. He’s in my good books.
NEVER TO ANNOY ME AGAIN
Some woman I didn’t learn the name of went home, I’m sorry, you seemed fine. Also going home was Cass, and I’m sure all of Hell will be glad to see her arrive home again!! Okay I may have gotten carried away there for the joke, I told you I need a valium. She’s not that bad, and it was actually a bit of a shock to see both of them go.
Tonight’s episode was mainly about something I was too bored to discuss in the recap, which was Alex trying to decide to give his rose to the new girl, Cass, or Keira. To try and get his rose, Cass tried to convince him she had always liked him, but he obviously didn’t fall for that.
He and Keira decided they were just friends, she remained intense and demanding, and he didn’t seem to like it? He seemed to like the new girl? But then gave his rose to Keira anyway? It was confusing and a bit boring, but I did like Keira’s villain machinations more this episode, and the result also gave us this Mary reaction shot.
So it was all worth it.
That’s it folks, yet another couple of episodes down. Patrick will be back with you on Wednesday, and then the FINALE airs this Sunday night. I will be recapping the finale, after I go to Church to wash myself of all my sins (watching this show).
Junkee will recap every SECOND episode of Bachelor In Paradise, because they are idiots.
Rebecca Shaw is the co-host of the very regular comedy podcast Bring A Plate. She tweets @brocklesnitch