2016 Golden Globes: The Official Junkee Drinking Game And Predictions

With the 73rd Golden Globes kicking off at 10.30am today, award show season is officially upon us. And, as a self-confessed addict I couldn’t be happier. I love the speeches, I love the skits and clip packages, and I really love the way producers aggressively shoehorn two completely different and visibly pained entertainers together and let the world watch them flounder with terribly written banter.

As the strange hybrid cousin of the Oscars and Emmys, the Golden Globes is an interesting ceremony to kick things off. As a precursor to both, it provides our first overview of the year that was and sets the tone of what’s to come, but it also frequently parts ways with its arguably more respected counterparts.

In 2006 the Golden Globes gave Best Picture prizes to Brokeback Mountain instead of Oscar winner Crash, which wasn’t even nominated. In 2011 it picked The Social Network over The King’s Speech, and way back in 1983 it rightfully commended E.T. over the bloated biopic Gandhi. They also divide their prizes between dramas and musicals/comedies so classics like Cabaret, Moulin Rouge and Tootsie have been able to get the respect they deserve through Best Picture awards.

Things are just as interesting in the TV categories as the Globes generally enjoy giving trophies to new shows and emerging stars. Over the past few years shows like Girls, Brooklyn Nine Nine and Transparent have consistently won out against long-time commercial favourites like The Big Bang Theory and one of last year’s best moments was when Gina Rodriguez won Best Actress for Netflix’s Jane The Virgin. Alternatively, the 2016 Emmys have snubbed Broad City and previously regularly overlooked critically acclaimed comedies like Parks and Recreation in favour of Modern Family. It won five years in a row.

As commendable as that is, the Globes are still undoubtedly the drunken uncle of all awards shows. Where else could you find Alec Baldwin and Jennifer Lopez presenting an award to that Cher and Christina Aguilera musical, Burlesque? Who else would let Ricky Gervais back to host a fourth time after purposefully angering everyone in a 10km radius. What other ceremony could you see… this… this applause/finger gun salute thing from Brendan Fraser?

We know it’s early Monday morning, but a drinking game somehow doesn’t seem completely out of the question.

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Take a drink anytime:

• Ricky Gervais makes a weirdly passive aggressive joke about everyone preferring Tina Fey and Amy Poehler as hosts.
• Ricky Gervais insults a famous actor. (Make it a double if he insults the Hollywood Foreign Press Association at its own award show).

• Kristen Wiig steals the whole show with a skit.

• Somebody isn’t available to accept their award because they’re in the toilet just like Renee Zellweger or Christine Lahti (watch that one for vintage Robin Williams adlib).
• Someone gives a drunken rambling speech and refuses to get off the stage when played out. Lookin’ at you Jodie Foster and Jacqueline Basset.

• Cate Blanchett whips out her Aussie accent.
• Jennifer Lawrence and Amy Schumer make you jealous you’re not hanging with them.
• The cameraman desperately latches on to the few African Americans in the room during Denzel Washington’s acceptance speech for the Cecil B. DeMille Award.
• The co-stars of an upcoming movie present an award and have zero chemistry.

• Somebody acts deliciously sloshed in the audience.
• Somebody acts deliciously sloshed on stage.

• Somebody makes a political statement about the financial crisis (The Big Short), queer equality (Carol), journalistic integrity (Spotlight), or the rights of one-armed, buzz-cut feminist action heroes (Mad Max: Fury Road).

Drink the whole damn glass when:

• The head honchos of the Golden Globes come out to get their annual three minutes of national airtime. They’re inevitably introduced by someone cool like Channing Tatum, only setting us up for disappointment. On the plus side, this usually means it’s all over so I suggest you give yourself a round of applause for surviving. Today, we are all deliriously happy, drunk Emma Thompson.

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Bonus predictions!

This year’s film award season has been a crazy one, with no nominee solidifying its place as the frontrunner in any category. Not even Leonardo DiCaprio — who the internet really, really, really wants to win an Oscar — is a sure bet at this stage but a win today would definitely help.

I can’t guarantee you’ll win your office pool by following these predictions — in fact, they’re probably all wrong. But, hey, they nominated The Martian as a comedy so, truly, anything could happen!

Best Motion Picture, Drama: Carol
Best Motion Picture, Comedy: The Martian
Best Director: George Miller, Mad Max: Fury Road
Best Actor in a Drama: Leonardo DiCaprio, The Revenant
Best Actress in a Drama: Brie Larson, Room
Best Actor in a Comedy: Matt Damon, The Martian
Best Actress in a Comedy: Amy Schumer, Trainwreck
Best Supporting Actor: Sylvester Stallone, Creed
Best Supporting Actress: Alicia Vikander, Ex Machina
Best Screenplay: Tom McCarthy and Josh Singer, Spotlight
Best Original Song: ‘See You Again’ from Furious 7.
Best Original Score: Carter Burwell, Carol
Best Motion Picture, Animated: Inside Out
Best Motion Picture, Foreign Language: Son of Saul (Hungary)

Best Television Series, Drama: Mr. Robot
Best Television Series, Comedy: Transparent
Best Limited Series or TV Movie: Fargo
Best Actor in a TV Drama: Rami Malek, Mr. Robot
Best Actress in a TV Drama: Taraji P. Henson, Empire
Best Actor in TV Comedy: Jeffrey Tambor, Transparent
Best Actress in a TV Comedy: Lily Tomlin, Grace and Frankie
Best Actor in a Limited Series or TV Movie: Oscar Isaac, Show Me a Hero
Best Actress in a Limited Series of TV Movie: Queen Latifah, Bessie
Best Supporting Actor: Ben Mendelsohn, Bloodline
Best Supporting Actress: Regina King, American Crime

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The 73rd Annual Golden Globes will air on FOX8 from 10.30am today.

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Glenn Dunks is a freelance writer from Melbourne. He also works as an editor and a film festival programmer while tweeting too much @glenndunks.