What To Expect From The Final Season Of True Blood

Oh, True Blood. You’ve given us so much over the years. The best faux Southern accents since Nicolas Cage got in touch with his Alabama side on Con Air. Tuesday morning watercooler fodder from all the graveyard sex and twisty-neck sex and homoerotic dream sex. Viking vampires and Steve Newlin and “now time for the weather. Tiffany?”

Unfortunately, we’ve reached the end of the road. True Blood’s seventh and final season premieres tonight, which means there’s only ten more episodes to go before we have to say goodbye to Sookeh and Beel forever.

In last year’s finale, we left our characters suddenly and inexplicably six months in the future, where Sam is now mayor of Bon Temps and Bill is the bestselling author of And God Bled, a memoir about his time as a God (tell me what is supposed to fill this gap in my life?). Sookie and Alcide have also shacked up together, to the horror of just about everyone.

So what else can we expect from the final season?

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It’s Back to Basics… Except For The Zombies

Since its early days, True Blood has been derided for its endless subplots and overcrowded cast. This season, showrunner Brian Buckner claims they will be going back to their strengths and reining in the storylines so they can focus exclusively on the action in Bon Temps, “under the umbrella of one story and one threat”. Judging from the trailers, that certainly looks to be true — the town is being attacked by a horde of vampires infected with Hep-V, a virus that turns them into zombies. If you thought True Blood was returning to its Southern Gothic roots, well, keep waiting, you sweet summer child. But if you’ve been missing The Walking Dead, however — huzzah, you’re covered!

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More Nudity Than Ever Before

For all the pervs out there, the final season will be the show’s “nakedest yet”, according to Sam Trammel, who plays Sam. That’s a big call considering season two featured more than one orgy, but it’s True Blood, you guys — they’re up to it. The good thing is that the show has always been pretty equal opportunity about its nudity, so you can expect to see both butts and boobs before it’s all over, though it’s unclear whether they’ll be the butts and boobs you want (I point you to the aforementioned orgy scenes).

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The Love Triangle of Suck

Despite the fact that Sookie and Bill’s relationship has played itself out ad nauseam, the writers are stubbornly “going back to the original promise of the show” (their romance), with some surprise Alcide thrown in the mix. The werewolf pack leader has been the king of superfluous storylines since his arrival in season three, and thrusting him into Sookie’s orbit in the final season seems like a last-ditch effort to make him relevant, as if any of us actually believe he could be an obstacle at this point. He also spent most of last season trying to kill Sam, so it’s hard to buy him as the kind-hearted lunkhead he used to be.

Sadly, this leaves Sookie’s only compelling love interest off tending his wounds somewhere in Sweden after that unfortunate sunbathing incident. There’s always hope, but it seems unlikely we’ll witness a last minute Eric and Sookie reconciliation.

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Sarah Newlin Will Be Back! Praise His Light!

We may have said goodbye to Rev Steve last season (R.I.P.) but we haven’t seen the last of his ex-wife, who fled town after fronting that vaguely offensive and incredibly entertaining Nazi vamp camp storyline. Now that Russell Edgington is all puddly goop, she’s one of the few genuinely awesome bad guys left. Who could forget that moment when she clobbered a woman to death with her own shoe and then praised Jesus for the opportunity? Prayer circle for her continued survival.

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Surprise Cameos From Old Cast Members

There’s little doubt we’ll see the return of several departed and long-dead former characters. While there are so many possible contenders – Russell, Bill’s maker Lorena, Queen Sophie Anne, Sookie’s grandmother Adele – Hoyt is a realistic option, since he hightailed it for Alaska in season five and has yet to make amends with either Jessica or Jason. And there’s always time for one more Godric hallucination, because those reappearances don’t negate the impact of his death at all. I’m personally rooting for a cameo from Franklin Mott, Tara’s psychotic vampire boyfriend from season three. Thematically and logistically it makes no sense, but what show do you think you’re watching?

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Death! Lots And Lots Of Death!

It wouldn’t be True Blood without a few deaths here and there, and since it’s the final season, we should brace ourselves for some significant carnage. The show stopped following the book plot years ago, so characters who survived in that series aren’t necessarily safe. While we can probably assume that Sookie will emerge unscathed, it’s possible Sam or Bill could go out in a blaze of self-sacrificial glory, and Jessica seems like she’s had a target on her back since she ate Andy’s kids. Just not Pam, yeah?

As we gear up to say goodbye, it may comfort you to know that True Blood could be on its way to Broadway. Odds are 2:1 that Stephen Moyer will reprise his role as Vampire Bill, and that his first number will be a gloriously choreographed ‘Sookie is mine’, complete with dancing and a guitar solo. Snoop Dogg for lyricist, obviously.

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True Blood season 7 premieres today on Showcase at 3:35pm and 8:30pm. 

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Emily Tatti is a Melbourne based writer and the editor of Ricochet Magazine. She tweets @narrativekind.