Culture

The Vice Presidential Debate Happened; People Still Don’t Really Know Who These Men Are

Just two cotton ball men making frowny faces at each other.

by Sinead Stubbins  5 October 2016

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Caring about politics is so important because it determines who we’re meant to be mad at for the next couple of years — except in America, where people get to criticise them for four whole years! Just kidding (sort of) but in all seriousness, even though Hillary Clinton mopped the floor with Donald Trump at last week’s presidential debate there was yet another live political hurdle Team Trump had to overcome.

Behold: the exceedingly dull vice presidential debate starring Tim Kaine and Mike Pence!

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Here they are! These two fluffy cotton bud men!

If you’re not very interested in this debate, then I need to tell you that that’s what makes this debate a lot more fun to follow.

Sure, the thought of Donald Trump becoming president of the United States has real, global ramifications that could trigger the next ice age, but for now, let’s all just enjoy the internet making fun of two older white men making frowns at each other. (By the by, if you’re looking for some actual facts on what happened, this is the place for you.)

First of all, Republican Mike Pence didn’t even seem to know where they were.

These mayonnaise men then debated many things, like how to keep America safe, who caused ISIS to happen, Hillary’s emails, and how bankrupt Donald Trump is both financially and morally. Democrat Tim Kaine said he was “scared to death” of Trump winning the presidency. Mike Pence was steadfast that America was a highly dangerous place that needs desperately to fixed, so thanks a lot Obama.

Sometimes their insults seemed vaguely sexual and weird (No? I’ll see myself out).

Because the American public and wider global community are a bit “who?” about these two politicians, some of the biggest shocks of the debate were strictly visual.

Tim Kaine smiled a lot, which I gather is a very strong facet of his personal brand, and Mike Pence mostly frowned in what I think he thinks is a look of deep contemplation, but is actually a look that suggests that he’s confused by how constipated he is.

Tim Kaine really had a go at Mike Pence for all the horrible things Trump has said to denigrate and minimise women, and then apologised to his wife and mother in the audience for having to hear him say such sexist things. I like this, because it assumes that Tim Kaine’s wife and mother have never been exposed to sexist rhetoric before and that it might shock them to their very core.

“Cute,” I imagine Tim Kaine’s wife said.

What about those horrible things that Donald Trump says on the daily? Well, Mike Pence is pretending they don’t exist; just like that relative who just smiles serenely and looks into the distance when you answer the question “How are you?” with anything but “Good!”.

Tim Kaine seems to have come out of the debate unscathed (and maybe even vaguely impressive) but Mike Pence did not win much Twitter favour. All I know is that Donald Trump calling Kaine an “evil crook” is officially my favourite burn of 2016, goodnight.