The long weekend is coming up, giving us all a chance to intend to do uni work, procrastinate all weekend and get nothing done. It’s a beautifully, soul-destroying time.

Because, let’s be totally honest: no one’s doing anything remotely studious on the long weekend. They try (oh do they try) but we’d be surprised if anyone actually succeeds. This is how it goes.

#1 Enthusiasm

Three long days stretch before you, with ne’er a lecture or tute in sight. What a perfect opportunity to catch up on those online lectures you keep swearing you’ll listen to! You can also get a head start on your assignment, write up some study notes, and do some readings before next week.

You might even write a quick to-do list of all the shit you want to get done. AH! You’re gonna get so much done. You’re so preemptively proud of yourself.

#2 Procrastination

You wake up Friday morning, have a quick look over your to-do list and feel a sense of motivation. But first: a bowl of cereal and an episode or two of Netflix. OK, so an episode or two turns into 10 but HELLO, you’ve worked hard all GODDAMN semester. Can you live just once?

You half-heartedly log into your student email and make a heading for your essay before settling in for an entire series binge. You deserve this.

#3 Optimism

So you pissed away all of Friday. Who cares! You still have ALL of Saturday, ALL of Sunday and ALL of Monday to get things done.

You imagine yourself putting on a nice long cardigan, sitting at your perfectly neat desk, sipping on a cup of coffee, and getting started on uni work. Ah, that sounds nice. That’s what it’ll be like this afternoon. When you start. Which you totally will.

#4 Denial

It’s already Sunday fucking morning? And you’ve done nothing except clip your toenails on the family couch? How did this happen?!

This can’t be real. Five seconds ago it was Thursday night and you came up with all your goals for the weekend. Now you’re a hot mess with a food baby in a tracksuit set. It’s OK. There’s still time. There’s TOTALLY time.

#5 Acceptance

Otherwise known as, “Pass the goon bag, mama’s going in for a bender”.

You tried. You had intentions and you made the list, and hey! You logged into your student email! That counts right? You wrote the heading of your essay and that’s better than nothing.

Time to stop lying to your friends and saying you’re “studying” this weekend. May as well just meet up with them, get drunk and start on your uni work next week.

You’ll get heaps done then. You promise.

(Lead image: The Office/NBC)