Tony Abbott vs Leigh Sales: The Official Junkee Drinking Game

In case you weren’t aware, Tony Abbott is set to appear on 7.30 tonight. We all remember how well this went last time.

Ah, twelve-and-a-half minutes of pure interview disaster bliss. By the time Leigh Sales was finished with Abbott, he looked like a wrung-out dishcloth. He was drained of energy, verve and confidence like a bully who’d just been dacked in front of the whole school. Except, you know, replace “school” with “Australia” and “been dacked” with “had every major statement he’d made since the beginning of the year summarily destroyed on prime-time television”. It was, needless to say, glorious.

So, both in anticipation of tonight’s appearance (and to dull the pain of Abbott’s seemingly inevitable ascent to the position of Prime Minister), we present to you:

Tony Abbott vs Leigh Sales: The Drinking Game!

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If Tony gets through the opening pleasantries without crying: Drink.

If, instead, it’s something more like this: Triple drink.

Any time Tony says “uh” more than four times in a sentence: Quadruple drink.

Any time Tony retreats back to a position he voiced three minutes previous despite that position already having been destroyed: Throw up. And then drink.

Any time Tony uses any of the phrases “wrecking ball”, “blood promise”, “python squeeze” or any other painfully strangled, weirdly violent metaphor: Drink.

Every time Leigh says something along the lines of “It’s a simple question, Mr Abbott”: Drink.

Every time Tony does that creepy, simpering smile of his: Drink.

Every time Tony does that creepy, simpering laugh of his: Shudder, then drink.

If Tony lies about: a) the increasing cost of living; b) asylum seekers overwhelming this country; c) the carbon tax having an adverse impact upon our economy; d) the mining tax having an adverse impact on our economy; e) our economy being in any way in trouble; f) the National Copper Network being a sensible alternative to the NBN; or g) our debt levels being unsustainable: Drink.

Every time Tony pointedly refers to asylum seekers as being “illegal” or says “stop the boats”: Throw the remnants of your drink at the television.

Every time Leigh pulls Tony up for answering the wrong question: Drink.

Every time Leigh laughs scornfully at Tony’s refusal to answer the question: Fall in love with her a little bit, then drink.

Every time Leigh royally eviscerates one of Tony’s statements: Celebratory chug.

Every time Tony drops the phrase “ordinary Australians”: Drink (yes, we understand that this might be a difficult one to keep up with, but that bottle of vodka ain’t going to finish itself).

Every time Tony makes you think of this Late Show video: Drink.

Every time you yell “That’s not a real sentence, Tony!” at the screen: Two drinks.

Every time the camera flashes back to Leigh and she looks like Danerys Targaryen about to get all “Dracarys” on Tony’s ass: Three drinks.

Any time someone on social media accuses Leigh of being a left-wing harpy: Drink.

If Tony actually mentions any proper, concrete Coalition policy at all: Four drinks, and then cake.

If Tony instead says, “We will release this policy at some point before the election”: Drink.

Every time you consider moving to New Zealand: Five drinks.

If you actually move to New Zealand: Finish the bottle.

If, by the end, Tony Abbott hasn’t shamed himself: Finish the bottle.

If, by the end, he has: Finish the bottle.

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Yeah, we know, there’s no easy way out of this drinking game. But as an apt metaphor for the unavoidability of ‘Tony Abbott PM’, well, it’s hard to go past. And anyway, if it is going to happen — and it almost definitely is — we may as well be all like:

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Luke Ryan is a Melbourne-based freelance writer and comedian. He is currently working on his first book, has written for The Age, Smith Journal, The Lifted Brow, TheVine, Crikey, Kill Your Darlings and many more, and performs with a sketch comedy outfit called the Lords of Luxury. He also has a law degree, but would rather physically explode than use it.