Tony Abbott Jumps The Shark, Brings Back Knights And Dames

In easily the most ridiculous news that has happened today, bar none, Tony Abbott has decided to reintroduce Knights and Dames into the Order of Australia honours list. In doing so, he bestows upon himself the duty of recommending Knight- and Dame-hoods to the Queen, and bestows upon his country the most retrograde thing to have happened since we elected him in the first place.

And just like that, our national attention was diverted from Actual Heartbreaking Problems That Are Actually Happening to something that doesn’t really matter at all.

Savvy move.

GAME OF TONES

— Bec (@Brocklesnitch) March 25, 2014

The categories of Knight and Dame of the Order of Australia were discontinued by the Hawke government in 1986, after being introduced ten years earlier. They do still exist in New Zealand of course — but, you know, New Zealand. The change represents an “important grace note in our national life,” Abbott said, in a blatant misuse of the word “important”.

According to his official statement, there may be up to four Knights or Dames in any one year, with the recognition extended to Australians of “extraordinary and pre-eminent achievement and merit” who are working in public office.

Tony Abbott announces that four Newcastle Knights will be honoured each year and Wayne Bennett will become a Dame #auspol

— Walter Slurry (@Kalleywagon) March 25, 2014

The first new Dame is the Outgoing Governor-General Quentin Bryce, and the first new Knight is the incoming Governor-General Peter Cosgrove.

Shadow attorney-general Mark Dreyfus said the move showed the government was rushing back to the 19th century.

Twitter said the move showed the government was an idiot.

Dip ye bread in dripping & fear not peasants. For tonight there will be wine and merry making amongst the finest bigots in the land. #auspol

— That Dude You Knew (@Deadly_Thoughts) March 25, 2014

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Still, a good enough reason to revisit a classic: