The Real Housewives Of Melbourne Returned Last Night; Here’s Everything You Need To Know

As you walked into the office this morning, did you notice a very animated discussion between the Office Homosexual and the Marketing Intern That Does Nothing? It’s highly likely they were discussing last night’s season two premiere of Real Housewives of Melbourne (RHOM): the reality show about women who have it all – clothes, money, love, hair, teeth, skin, the list goes on.

So set your phasers to aspirational, because we’re about to dive into season two.

If you’re anything like me, you dismissed the first season of RHOM because you assumed it would be another embarrassing example of Australia aping US reality TV traditions (and failing). But the success of ROHM proved there is a market for crazy-lady TV in Australia — so, to ensure you’re not left out of the water cooler conversation, here is a wife-by-wife rundown of last night’s season premiere. We’ve also thrown in some helpful background notes, based on my in-depth research (i.e. I watched two episodes from season one on a plane).

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What Exactly Is Real Housewives Of Melbourne?

RHOM is part of a larger US Real Housewives franchise, that takes the rich women of various cities and makes them famous. Notable series include a searing account of old/new money class warfare in New York; exploring the entrenched racial divide in Atlanta; and of course, the rather bleak Real Hausfraus of the Third Reich (JK, but History channel if you’re reading this, call me).

The premise is this: assemble a bunch of rich women, pretend they are all good friends, and make them throw wine at each other. It’s classic ‘fly on the wall’ reality TV — assuming that the fly is a producer who is either subtly or blatantly telling the talent what to say/do/react.

It’s worked in every city, including in Melbourne, and that’s because the casting is so great. The strength of the show requires an even mix of self-aware, witty women, and spoilt, delusional women with no sense of their privilege. And if any country has no sense of its privilege, it’s Australia…

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The Classic Cast:

HAIR MONSTER

When talking RHOM, there is only one place to start: Hair Monster AKA Gina. Hair Monster is basically the entire show, and without her, watching RHOM would be like a Neighbours subplot in which Susan Kennedy and the Erinsborough gals hit Crown Casino for the weekend.

Hair Monster has it all and more: she has more hair, more attitude, more makeup, and more head-to-toe glamour than all the others combined. One time, Hair Monster wore heels playing tennis, which caused an international fucking incident amongst the other Haterwives.

What we learnt from last night’s episode: Hair Monster will eventually move to LA to follow love, AKA get a Bravo-network spinoff.

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MRS SILVERCHAIR

Next on the need-to-know list is Mrs Silverchair, AKA Jackie. Not just content with being married to one of the non-Daniel Johns Silverchairmen, she is also an accomplished psychic. Despite these other-worldly abilities, Mrs Silverchair plays it pretty wide-eyed, making her genuinely likeable and funny. The moments when she passes on her psychic findings to the stony impasse that is Hair Monster should have its own series.

What we learnt from last night’s episode: Mrs Silverchair has no qualms about yelling ‘wet pussy’ through a fancy restaurant. From what I can gather, she’s the Rihanna to Hair Monster’s Beyoncé. We should be into it.

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UP-DO 

Every series of ROHM needs someone nice and moderately relatable, and Melbourne’s own Up-do (Chyka) does that job nicely. Up-do is happily married (not all the housewives are married, BTW), and runs a successful event management business. This provides the series a lot of parties for the Housewives to assemble at, like some sort of anal-bleaching Voltron.

Apparently, Up-do has lost a lot of weight since season one ended. That information gets presented in the form of a loud compliment from Mrs Silverchair.

What we learnt from last night’s episode: Mrs Silverchair’s angels told Up-do that she had cysts in her breasts, and not cancer as was feared. They spent more time talking about the weight loss though.

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STRAIGHT LACE

Another Housewife who apparently spent the season break sliding into the bottomless pit of body dysmorphia is Straight Lace (Lydia). Straight Lace seems to cast herself in the drama, pitting herself against Hair Monster. Anyone versed in the ancient art of diva antics can clearly see that Hair Monster’s got this.

This season may prove tricky for Straight Lace to start ‘Jenna Maroney in Queen of Jordan’–style drama, since she is without her trouble-making partner in crime. At the end of season one, Housewife Andrea left the show and/or was consumed whole by Hair Monster. RIP Andrea, but Hair Monster must be sated.

What we learnt from episode one: Straight Lace does not like the c-word, which is strange because she’s totally the Christopher Pyne of the group.

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FUTURE KYLIE MINOGUE

One Housewife we’re happy to see survive the season casting shake-up is Future Kylie Minogue (Janet). Future Kylie is single and ready to mingle. Like some sort of rich-lady version of Kath Day-Knight, she’s trim, taut and terrific (and a bloody hornbag).

Future Kylie gives great reality TV, and apparently gets her hair cut by Andrew Johns in a Brandon Stark wig. At one point, she emphatically describes her friendship with Hair Monster as a ‘real relationship’, which is as close to a moment of meta understanding as we’ll get from ROHM.

What we learnt from last night’s episode: Future Kylie can do bubbly comedy and heartfelt truth, celebrating her burns-affected son’s first public appearance at her birthday.

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The Newcomers:

No new season of Real Housewives is complete without new cast members, and RHOM has added two new wonderful strains of batshit crazy into the mix. The first being Olivia Newton-John.

OLIVIA NEWTON-JOHN

 

It’s not actually her, but I spent the first few minutes seriously thinking it might be.

Nolivia (Gamble, her actual name) is a painter, botox advocate and describes herself as ‘alternative’ (to what, we’re as yet sure). Despite claiming her style as hippy-chic, she refuses to believe in Mrs Silverchair’s psychic abilities. Namaste on message, lady!

What we learnt from episode one: Nolivia has already declared herself Gina’s new best friend, which means they’ll be warring by episode four.

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LIL’ FLOWER

She started from the bottom, now she here. Just like Drake, Pettifleur too has a higher than average chance of being shot at in a nightclub. Lil’ Flower calls it like she sees it, and walked in to Future Kylie’s birthday party serving sass to the Housewives — a little too quickly you might think. Part-Dutch, part-Sri Lankan, Lil’ Flower brings some welcome diversity to the white-heavy ROHM cast.

What we learnt this ep: Lil’ Flower and her son are down for this media opportunity, playing up to the cameras at a family dinner. However her husband’s adult children seem super awkward about the whole thing. I hope they’re in every episode.

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Should You Keep Watching?

As episode one draws to a close, I’m going to say yes. Especially if you’re a gay man who shares in my past-time proclivities: the franchise is the meeting point of our love of drag/diva behaviour, and all our Freudian mother issues. It’s genuinely funny, too.

The other ideal audiences are either women with an acute, defined sense of their feminist politics, OR women with no absolutely no feminist politics at all. Sure it’s trash TV, but more than a few Real Housewives have been savvy enough to know how to play the game, and make the most out of their time in the spotlight.

Let’s face it (wealth and privilege of the Housewives aside), not many women 40+ get time on TV. These women may be in part spoilt, crass, and materialistic, but they’re also sexual (not sexualised), successful, and professional. Just ignore that its called Real Housewives of Melbourne, instead of the more politically correct Successful Women Throwing Wine At Each Other.

Plus, it seems not a single Melbourne Real Housewife is an AFL WAG. That alone is worth celebrating.

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Real Housewives of Melbourne airs on Sundays at 8.30pm, on Arena.

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Nic Holas is a writer, and co-founder of HIV social umbrella The Institute of Many. You can find him on Twitter at @nicheholas