The Junkee Guide To Avoiding ‘Game Of Thrones’ Finale Spoilers

If you like Game of Thrones, today is probably the worst day of your life. Spoilers for the latest episode, the finale of season six, have trickled through the swollen and infected veins of the internet since lunchtime, pooling on Twitter and Facebook and lying in wait to destroy the entire experience for you.

Basically, if you’re an Australian Game of Thrones fan you’ve had to totally cut yourself off from all your regular methods of procrastination and do things like finish your work tasks and learn what a Brexit is.

We’ve just got to last until home time today. That’s all we’ve got to do. Please allow us to help you get through the next few hours with some tried and tested tips, because we’re all in this together. Don’t let those American bastards get you down!

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1. Delete your Twitter account. Delete your Facebook. Delete your Snapchat. Delete Slack. Learn how to love LinkedIn. Delete LinkedIn.

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2. Consider being one of those people who regularly eschews the internet and says things like, “I just have so much time to READ literaTURE,” but then don’t actually purchase any literature, only read the back of sanitary pad wrappers and other people’s texts.

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3. Buy a dog.

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4. Say very loudly in the office, “You know, Donald Trump makes some interesting points. I think we’re just frightened because he represents the aspects of our own personalities that we’re uncomfortable with.” Smile at everyone confidently and lean back in your chair. See what happens.

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5. Don’t be tempted to go on the internet just to avoid your smug co-worker who feels proud that she/he doesn’t watch Game of Thrones and thus is impervious to spoiler anxiety. Look deep into their soul and try to connect with whatever makes them tick. If nothing makes them tick, talk about Masterchef.

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6. Write a vivid and in-depth fan fiction about Taylor Swift, making it as sexually explicit as you possibly can (but in a nice way) (Taylor is having a great time) and then use the office photocopier to help you disseminate it across the CBD during peak hour. Listen to ‘Sexy Boy’ by Air while you do this.

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7. Stop thinking. Stop thinking so hard that you go into a deep trance and your body and mind start to connect with every living organism on the planet. Reach a moment of such intense clarity, they you are suddenly no different from a blade of grass or a piece of lint. Fix your soul to everything, keep connecting and connecting until you become nothing and evaporate into air. Cease to exist.

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8. Watch Leslie Jones say: “I love you Rickon, but you need to zig-zag, motherfucker.”

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9. Make sure to offend your friends so terribly that none of them will want to talk to you ever again, let alone spoil Game of Thrones for you today. Once you’ve seen the episode tonight and feel safe to socialise again, move to a small town up west, change your name to ‘Jo’ and volunteer to coach an amateur softball team. Make new friends. Start a new life. Jo is extremely popular up west.

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10. Spend the rest of the afternoon drawing pictures of Ellen DeGeneres as a flower.

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11. Engage your mum in an in-depth text conversation about which hair colour best suits her complexion, she has been waiting her whole life for someone to want to have this conversation with her and won’t stop texting you until you turn off your phone.

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12. Clean the dust and dirt out of your keyboard, gather it together in your hands and then sprinkle it on your enemy’s keyboard while they’re out getting rice paper rolls for lunch.

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13. Force yourself to vomit in front of your boss and go home early and watch Game of Thrones.

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14. Eat an orange.