The Five Worst People You’ll Meet At Melbourne’s Brand New Cat Cafe

TL;DR: All of your dreams have come true. Australia’s first ever Cat Café is just as magnificent as you imagined it would be.

Anita and Myles Loughran opened the Melbourne café at the very end of July, after months of jumping through hoops. Most of those hoops involved convincing the Melbourne City Council that they were, in fact, entirely serious. “They didn’t think it was possible because of health and safety regulations,” Anita said, “but after three months they came on board with the idea.” Now, after establishing an air lock to separate food and drinks from the 13 resident rescue cats, their dream of creating the perfect meeting place for crazy cat lovers everywhere has finally eventuated.

Your journey begins at the Cat Café website, where you book a time to visit the cats: they’re open seven days a week, 11 hours a day, and you get one hour for $10, with half-hour add-ons $5 each. The rules are simple: No flash photography, don’t pick up the cats without permission (from the staff, not the cats), don’t wake sleeping animals, and don’t pull their tails. In other words, just play it cool you weirdos.

As you venture up the stairs to a small apartment in a heritage building across from Melbourne’s Victoria Markets, you realise that these guys totally understand their demographic: The ‘café’ is set up like a comfy crazy cat lady’s apartment, complete with cat toys, scratching posts and couches. And they hand deliver you coffee. And it has free wi-fi. IS THIS HEAVEN? Maybe.

Except for one minor set-back: your cat-filled hour of amazing will be ruined by all the humans. Because humans are the worst.

In the space of my first session at the Cat Café, I encountered a variety of irritating crazy cat person types who were wrecking it for everyone. I have detailed them below. Don’t be that guy.

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#1: The Baby-Talker

Please don’t destroy this unique and beautiful experience by loudly saying ‘shoopie loopie cutie puff’ for the entire hour. Do not ruin these cats for me.

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#2: The Possessive Player

Look lady, you don’t own the cats. And if you were a real cat love you would already know: NO ONE owns the cats. They own their bastardly selves. So stop looking at me with crazy in your eyes when I try and play with the cat you think is now your best friend because you’ve sat next to it for 10 minutes and it is generously allowing you to pat it. I PAID TO BE FRIENDS WITH THE CATS TOO, SO I DAMN WELL AM GOING TO PAT THEM ALL.

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#3: The Selfie Taker

To be honest, as a long term cat owner, putting your face that close to a cat you don’t know and trying to make it ‘look cute’ for your Instagram photo is probably going to get you a nice, hefty swipe to the face. And I hope this happens to you. I really do.

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#4: The Partner-Bringer

If he’s in Team Dog, don’t bring him here. He’s not interested in the cats, and he’s not interested in you playing with the cats. He’s wasting everybody’s time.

You should really only bring your partner if you’ve found yourself a beautiful and rare relationship full of mutual cat-obsessed bliss. In this case, I suggest perhaps a Cat Café wedding? Please invite me.

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#5: The Rule Breaker

You’re not special, so don’t be a dick – follow the rules. Remember, these poor cats have 10 sessions a day of cat-obsessed people wanting their attention, so give them some space and let them come to you.

The Cat Café is a magical place where dreams come true, so let’s all work together to not ruin it, okay? Keep your crazy eyes on lock for at least the hour you’re there. You can do it.

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Bianca O’Neill writes for Channel [V], Eventfinder and Time Out Melbourne, and founded AlphabetPony.com.au. Hit her up on Twitter.

All photos © Bianca O’Neill 2014.99