Six Artist Feuds That Might Actually Make People Buy CDs Again

Try, if you can, to recall an era before iPhones, Benedict Cumberbatch ubiquity, and hit records. It will be difficult.

Seven years ago, Kanye West and 50 Cent put their reputations on the line with a marketing stunt that promised to breathe life into the floundering American Billboard chart, but sadly leave one man a public laughing stock: Kanye’s label decided to release his third LP, Graduation, on the same day as 50 dropped his fourth, Curtis, with 50 initially claiming he’d quit the game entirely if he wound up outsold.

Well, he was outsold. Handily. Graduation moved more than 957,000 copies in its first week and Curtis topped out at 691,000. Stubborn as a mule, 50 Cent stuck around for some years later, forced to toil in mediocrity and date Chelsea Handler; Kanye, on the other hand, went on to perfect all forms of art. Regardless, it was a smart move for both players at the time, as the ‘Event!’ of it all likely pumped up one another’s album sales, and the industry, suffering from the effects of piracy and that confusing beast called The Internet they still wrestle with today, enjoyed one of its last big sales bonanzas.

Alas, time marches ever onward. In 2013, Kanye’s Yeezus sold a mere 327,000 copies in the U.S. over its first week… and that was the biggest bow for a rap album since Drake’s Take Care in 2011 (which sold 631,000). As for 50, his last effort, Animal Ambition, sold a measly 47,000 copies back in June. And yet, it debuted at #4. This week, Christian rapper Lecrae took the top spot on the Billboard chart with 88,000 sales. Turns out people are still buying any old shit, just at a lower volume.

The writing’s on the wall: we need another heavily publicised feud – like Kanye vs. 50, or, the granddaddy of modern feuds, Oasis vs. Blur – to reignite the flame in music fans’ hearts. If your favourite artist was entered into a death-match against some other pretender to the throne, you’d likely rally behind them with vigour… especially if enforced early retirement was a threat. Imagine if the entire music industry became a modern day Thunderdome? Who would reign supreme? Who would fail miserably? And who would be Aunty Entity? The answer to those questions, and no others, can be found in the below hypotheticals.

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Round 1: Taylor Swift vs. Katy Perry

Frenemies and subtweeters extraordinaire Taylor Swift and Katy Perry are already engaged in a hot (then you’re cold) war, though Perry is unlikely to drop a surprise record the same day as Swift’s upcoming 1989.

Oh, but what if, dear reader?! Both have been embroiled in individual cultural appropriation controversies of late and each of their most recent hits – Swift’s ‘Shake It Off’ and Perry’s ‘This Is How We Do’ – have undeniably irresistible choruses and hugely-embarrassing spoken-word interludes. They’ve both reached levels of such intense adoration from their fanbase they’re clearly daring listeners to turn their back on them by way of bad white-girl rap (of the Teen Witch variety). Why stop there? They should synchronise their next singles and let the loser step away from the game entirely.

Outcome: No contest. Swift wins. Flawless victory.

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Round 2: Meghan Trainor vs. Nicki Minaj

The number one song in the U.S. right now is ‘All About That Bass’, a not-so-subtle ode to The Booty. Apparently America really needed a tune about butts to soundtrack an increasingly grim 2014.

Little did they realise they already had a perfectly good butt anthem in Nicki Minaj’s ‘Anaconda’, the no-seriously-not-at-all-subtle response to Sir Mix-A-Lot’s two-decade old banger ‘Baby Got Back’. Right now, upstart Trainor is outselling Minaj, thanks to the novelty factor. However, if actual careers were on the line, we know how this would go.

Outcome: Minaj wins, rules over Bartertown. Trainor banished to the desert wasteland.

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Round 3: Jay Z vs. Beyoncé

I don’t want Jay and Bey to divorce. I’m not an animal. Still, if they took advantage of our irrefutable fascination with their private lives, and its potential disintegration, they could fuel the biggest sales week in history. They could release His and Hers editions of the same album, detailing what really went down in that elevator, and what exactly Jay did with Rihanna to inspire ‘Irreplaceable’.

Solange could guest too, I suppose. It doesn’t matter. These would be the two highest selling CDs in history.

Outcome: Oh, Yoncé would crush him.

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Round 4: Angus and Julia Stone vs. Vance Joy

Look, we can’t have Vance Joy and the Stone siblings topping Triple J’s Hottest 100 on alternating years with their soulful beard-folk. Sure, this particular showdown would move a few units here in Australia, but more importantly, it’ll remove at least a couple heads from this too-cute hydra, allowing a rock band or hip-hop artist or, Jesus, even Denis Leary to sneak back up to the pinnacle of the Hottest 100 again.

Outcome: Angus and Vance are a wash; Julia pulls off a double-throat rip a’la MacGruber on the way to solo victory.

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Round 5: Linkin Park vs. Imagine Dragons

Here’s where the feuds get truly interesting. Would you give money to Imagine Dragons if it meant Linkin Park would be legally required to not make any more music? Or vice versa? To which evil would you bequeath your hard earned cash? Would the ends justify the means? Where does your morality lie?

Outcome: It doesn’t matter. Fred Durst’s surely inevitable ska-metal side-project will fill the Linkin Park/Imagine Dragons void. It’s Alien vs. Predator all over again: whoever wins, we lose.

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Round 6: Redfoo vs. Just, the sound of a fart.

I mean, literally a six-second recording of a fart. Not an outrageous fart. Not a particularly funny fart. Just a fart. And it’ll cost you $100 on iTunes. Or, you could buy something of RedFoo’s.

Outcome: The fart wins by a country mile.

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Simon Miraudo is an AFCA award-winning film critic and writer. He is also co-host of The Podcasting Couch and tweets at @simonmiraudo.