Shipping Out Hermione: What JK Rowling REALLY Got Wrong

As the Hogwarts Express chugged off into the distance, Hermione wiped a tear from her eye before slipping her hand into Harry’s. “Little Ron’s going to be alright, isn’t he?” she whispered, almost inaudibly. Harry brushed his fingers across the second lightning scar on his forearm, the constant reminder he carried of the curse that missed him but took the life of his red-headed friend. He drank in a breath. “He’ll be fine. He’s got Lily James Severus Sirius Remus Fred Potter to look out for him.”

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In a Sunday Times preview of a recent interview conducted by Emma Watson for Wonderland, JK Rowling has apparently added to her ever growing list of “shoulda coulda woulda”s for the Potter series, by saying that, on reflection, Ron and Hermione shouldn’t have ended up together. Instead, she thinks, it would have been more natural to marry off Hermione and Harry, and kill Ron like originally planned.

While this pairing would do nothing to combat the inevitable inbreeding that awaits the next generation of wizards and witches, when you consider that the Hogwarts students pretty much all married each other — and didn’t even branch out into other houses (or, in most cases, even other year levels) — I guess Hermione’s choices are pretty limited.

Except that no. While it is almost universally agreed that Harry and Ginny is the worst thing ever, Harry and Hermione, both in the books and film, have the chemistry of someone trying to light matches using a dead fish.

Rowling is quoted as saying that the Ron/Hermione pairing was “a choice I made for very personal reasons, not for reasons of credibility” and that it was “for reasons that have very little to do with literature and far more to do with me clinging to the plot as I first imagined it.”

But frankly, neither scenario really works with the characters she created. Harry just wants a family; who he has it with is almost irrelevant. He most likely chose Ginny because she comes from the first household to ever make him feel like he belongs and is lower maintenance than Cho Chang, with all her yucky complex emotions. Ron has no female friends apart from Hermione, and they go through a horrendously traumatic experience together. Their shared interests include Harry, and getting rid of Voldemort. Solid foundation, guys.

So, thanks J.K. Rowling, but no thanks.

Here are five outcomes for Hermione which are more likely than her immediately hurtling down the aisle with either Harry or Ron.

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1. Hermione Ends Up With A Scientific/Academic Muggle

She is all about the study, and comes from a muggle background. Also, she probably has at least a basic grasp of biology and genealogy, and can see where things are headed gene-pool wise for the current batch of British wizards and witches.

Harry and Ron openly mock her for her studiousness; would she really opt in to a life with someone who shares none of her values?

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2. Hermione Has A Fling With Draco Malfoy

They’ve had a hate/hate thing going all through school and, following the defeat of Voldemort, Draco’s had to undergo a complete psychological re-assessment of his personality. His parents aren’t as strong as he thought they were, and he doesn’t fit in with either good or evil. Meanwhile, Hermione has dropped out of school and defeated Voldemort. Her life priorities are confused. Self destructiveness and Butterbeer ensue.

They’re basically Buffy and Spike.

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3. Hermione Has Long Relationship With Firenze The Centaur. It Is Not Recognised By The Ministry Of Magic. 

Ever since starting S.P.E.W., Hermione has been campaigning for the rights of magical creatures. Firenze as an outcast is forced to spend more time with humans, and his intellect and “big picture” view of life is appealing to a Hermione, who has spent the last few years concentrating on a single issue which has now evaporated. Literally.

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4. Hermione Suffers Through A Brief Marriage To Viktor Krum, Which Ends In A Highly Publicised Divorce

Krum relentlessly professes his love and repeatedly proposes to a Hermione, who eventually reluctantly agrees and moves to Bulgaria. Hermione picks up the language almost as quickly as Krum picks up an addiction to Veela, and is charged with improper use of the “Engorgio” charm.  They divorce. Hermione and Krum’s collection of vintage broomsticks return to England.

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5. Hermione Becomes A Professor At Hogwarts

…Or maybe she didn’t need a man at all.

After returning to complete her final year of school, Hermione aces her NEWTS, does an internship at the Ministry of Magic, and writes a thesis on the use of Polyjuice Potion for animal transformations. She successfully becomes an Animagus, buys a tartan cloak and a tin of biscuits, and embarks on her new life as Professor McGonagall.

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Elizabeth is a freelance writer with a focus on film, television and pop culture. She edits Subterranean Death Cult, has been published in Film Ink, Metro, The Punch, and Lip Magazine, and tweets terrible puns @ElizabethFlux