‘Seven Year Switch’ Recap: Horse Riding, Abseiling And Serious Emotional Trauma!

We’re now halfway through the season of Australia’s latest “experimental marriage” show Seven Year Switch — yes there’s more than one — and the drama continues as the four “couples in crisis” continue to live with their new partners. After last episode’s weekend away, most of the contestants are relaxed and seem to be rediscovering themselves as single(-ish) people and making slow progress (in some cases).

If you’re not up to date, the couples include “fitness gurus”: Larrakin Tim and Bossy Jackie; as well as an engaged couple: Buzzkill Brad who will buy a jetski but won’t spend money on his wedding ceremony and Tallena, who seems unreasonably fine with that. These two couples have switched partners. Also swapped are Cassie and her child/husband Ryan, and Jason and Michelle. Both of these couples are struggling to find time for themselves and their relationship in-between work and kids.

Last night’s show opened with “like-minded” Tim and Tallena. Tallena says they are “both like big kids and like doing fun activities”. I’m expecting them to start building a treehouse or playing with one of those big parachutes I used to throw around in primary school, but instead we get a montage of the pair blowing up pool toys together. Tim says that he’s enjoyed Tallena being there because they are always “sharing jokes together”. Tallena is having so much fun that she admits the experiment has led her to question if she might be happy with someone new. Who knew getting shit tattoos could be so liberating?

This episode, the psychologists use a therapy technique (disclaimer: I don’t know if this is an actual therapy technique) which involves showing the couples footage of their interactions with their real partner from the beginning of the season. Watching this, Jackie thinks she might be an enormous nag, but seems much more concerned about hearing her “Aussie twang” on camera. I have to admit, if I were her, it would worry me too but I’d be way more concerned about her partner Tim’s seeming total lack of affection towards her. That very much needs some discussion on his end, but the therapist seems to want to try to work on Jackie’s attitude instead.

Meanwhile Brad realises how much of a dick he is being by refusing to spend money on the wedding and, predictably, spends the rest of the episode walking along the beach (I’m not even sure it’s a beach because it looks like mud) sulking, and wishing he was with Tallena. I actually feel sorry for Jackie now. She seems to be genuinely attempting to sort through her issues, her actual partner is off somewhere laughing and blowing up pool toys, and Brad is too busy wallowing in self-pity (and mud) to help.

Elsewhere, Michelle and Ryan go horse riding. Ryan has to ride a real horse despite his desire to ride the pony. They have both “lost their own identity” in their relationships. After horse riding Michelle “feels amazing” and says the experience was “really uplifting”. The therapist insists via voiceover that we are “starting to see real progress in all the relationships”, but either he’s being overly optimistic or he’s telling porky pies because clearly Tim doesn’t want to be in a relationship at all.

Michelle (with Ryan) and Jason (with Michelle) still have a long way to go, but it does seem that the videos make them realise how they both need to compromise, or find different ways at trying to understand one another. Jason, watching the footage with Cassie, realises that he isn’t really listening to Michelle. In therapy, Michelle talks through different approaches of trying to speak to Jason in a calm, less accusatory manner, but she already looks to be getting angry and the image of her melting his face off the next time they get in a real argument isn’t all that hard to imagine.

Cassie and Ryan both separately watch a silly fight they had at home and realise that their conflicts are concealing past resentments they need to move past. Ryan realises that he probably needs to grow up and stop being so stubborn. Cassie does treat him like an idiot but, you know, I can see why.

Cassie has a heart-to-heart with Jason. She is convinced (and rightly so, the smart cookie) that Jason’s partner Michelle is paired with Ryan, and thinks that something will happen between the two of them. Ryan doesn’t really seem to care either way, so I wouldn’t be surprised if this comes true. Cassie admits that she’s jealous of Michelle and tells Jason if they’re paired together “it could be the end of us”. Poor Jason doesn’t think Michelle would do anything to hurt him, despite the fact that she’s told us in previous episodes that she doesn’t miss him at all and is clearly having fun with horses. In the final therapy session, Michelle admits she “hates [Jason’s] guts” and admits that she’s pretty much given up on the relationship. She feels that Jason has to change “or [she’s] going to leave”.

Meanwhile, Tallena is watching her own footage and the psychologist talks to her and Tim as if they were five years old. Tim is acting like the whole thing is a joke (ha ha, they both love jokes!) but he could at least try to participate. He “now realises” it’s “probably not okay” to not return Jackie’s affection and thinks his total lack of intimacy is “close to disturbing”. Groundbreaking.

Tallena (wearing a top that looks like it’s been attacked with the scissors by a screaming toddler) watches the footage of her unflinching compliance to Brad and realises that she might need to “find her voice”. She cries a lot then runs out onto the road to get some space. Naturally, Tim and the respectful cameraman follow. Tim’s attempts to console Tallena are objectively terrible (“Do you reckon you’ll stay together?”), but they help Tallena realise she might be better off without him. Looking at her shit tattoo “EHFAR” from the previous episode that she got with Tim, she says “everything happens for a reason, huh?”

They then attempt to “conquer their fears” and “build confidence” by doing an abseiling session together. Tallena is mildly afraid of heights (and her workout top says “Sore today or sorry tomorrow” which really justifies my hate-fire towards her) so Tim attempts to give her a pep talk as they head down the rock that doesn’t seem to help much. Regardless, they make it to the bottom safely. High fives all around! Cue the soppy love song! Let’s save the fact that Tim was about as supportive as one of Tallena’s inspirational slogan shirts to deal with next week.

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Seven Year Switch airs each Tuesday at 9pm on Channel 7.

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Megan is a freelance writer based in Sydney. She tweets from @meganjaneandrew.