Culture

Senator Glenn Lazarus Just Threatened To Finger Tony Abbott’s Butthole Over Coal Seam Gas

OKAY. This is new.

With the standard for absolute insanity being rapidly lowered by our politicians each and every day, you can almost understand why the Prime Minister thought it was a good idea to talk about “shirtfronting” Vladimir Putin. In his attempt to appear strong, relatable and distinctly Australian, he drew on our unique sporting vernacular; a solid move considering the authority we regularly instil (for better or worse) in our beloved sportspeople.

Unfortunately for the PM, there were two big problems with this. First of all: it’s pretty poor form to reduce an international diplomatic conflict stemming from the untimely death of 298 people to the same kind of tussle that goes down at the Under-15s games at your local oval. Also — and much less importantly — Tone isn’t even a footy player. He’s a weedy little fella who rides bikes and hits the beach in swimmers which are legitimately smaller than mine.

Today, veteran prop forward and Queensland Senator Glenn “The Brick With Eyes” Lazarus has shown him how this totally unnecessary pastime should actually be done. In a press conference focussing on his continued efforts to ban coal seam gas in residential areas, Lazarus made direct threats to the PM that call back to his very real experiences on the field. And HOLY SHIT, they do not disappoint.

“I’m so determined to give these people a voice and to have Tony Abbott and his government go and see for themselves exactly what these people are going through which I think it’s very unAustralian, I am prepared to go and squirrel grip, squirrel grip, the Prime Minister,” he said.

“If that doesn’t work I’ve got other things up my sleeves such as the grapple tackle, the chicken wing and even the crusher tackle. If that doesn’t work I’m prepared to use the Hopoate tackles.”

Okay. Because not all of us can be so lucky to speak fluent BLOKE, let’s take a second to break that down. A “squirrel grip” is not your average tackle; it is in fact the tragically outlawed art of grabbing a fully-grown man by the testicles.

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Pictured: Rhodes scholar, trained minister and Prime Minister of Australia Tony Abbott being hypothetically dragged by the scrotum. (via Fox Sports)

A “grapple tackle” is another illegal move which involves a player attacking another human’s throat with their forearm which can easily result in death; a “chicken wing” involves immobilising someone’s arm running the risk of dislocation; a “crusher tackle” is similar to a shoulder charge; and a “Hopoate” is named after an NRL player who became infamous for forcibly inserting his fingers into other players’ anuses.
Forcibly. Inserting. His fingers. Into other players’ anuses.

So, let’s first acknowledge that Lazarus is trying to do the right thing here. After listening to the very real concerns of those from rural and regional communities in his electorate, he’s bringing the issue of coal seam gas forward to the government and attempting to establish a Royal Commission into the matter.

“I am so desperate and fired up in regards to getting Tony Abbott and his government to actually recognise the fact these wells, these coal mines, in and around residential properties is causing absolutely havoc to the residents that are living there,” he said, in the same presser.

He’s recently launched a petition pressuring the government to investigate the effects of CSG mining that has more than 57,000 supporters, and he’s spoken passionately about it in Parliament without once mentioning the Prime Minister’s asshole.

You can watch that full speech right now and you’ll no doubt learn a great deal about one of the biggest issues affecting regional Australia today. Alternatively, you can watch this GIF of John Hopoate pulling off his signature move while mentally replacing the players’ faces with a democratically elected Senator and the leader of this Great Southern Land.

There’s no coming back from this. Gaze into the abyss and weep for our legacy: we’ll forever be remembered as a nation who debate environmental policy through the ever-present threat of butthole fingering.

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TONY. MATE. DON’T EVEN RISK IT.