Rupert Murdoch Sat On His Phone And Tweeted Out Some “Thoughts” About Australian Politics Again

Media tycoon and bag of dead walnuts Rupert Murdoch wrapped up a month-long tour of Australia recently, during which he dined with various high-powered men in suits, spent some time with his family and received the adulation of News Corp journalists as he drove past their offices waving a little white-gloved hand out the window of his Bentley.

He’s since retreated back into the immense, scabrous carapace where he keeps himself hydrated by bathing in the amniotic fluids of small flying mammals, but Australia is still clearly on his mind. Last night Rupert gave his definitely relevant and not-at-all superfluous take on the state of Australian politics, starting — as all good constructive criticisms do — with some compliments to soothe the lashings to come.

Great month in Oz – beautiful country, gtreAt people but with large problems.

— Rupert Murdoch (@rupertmurdoch) September 3, 2015

Aw gee, thanks Rupert! You’re a pretty gtreAt guy yourself!

But it got pretty negative from there, with Rupert lamenting the parlous current state of Australia’s political system. Heroically, he managed to do so while avoiding any acknowledgement, arguably more than any other single person, he himself is directly responsible for how royally buggered the country is now.

Country almost ungovernable with any Senate majority impossible for either side to execute. Bilateral agreement to change urgent if unlikely — Rupert Murdoch (@rupertmurdoch) September 3, 2015

Rupert also had some pretty strong words for the nation’s scumbag lefties, accusing the Labor Party of being run by “corrupt violent unions” and lamenting the growth of “extreme greenies”, who inexplicably choose not to vote for the stellar line-up of walking mediocrities in expensive suits he spent so much time and effort adding to his collection.

Seems capture of federal Labor leadership by corrupt violent unions. Govt must push on with reforms for sake of all sides or hold snap poll.

— Rupert Murdoch (@rupertmurdoch) September 3, 2015

Extreme greenies, increasing in support hold balance. Against growth and subsequent jobs. Seem beyond reason. — Rupert Murdoch (@rupertmurdoch) September 3, 2015

He urged the government to call a snap election and purge Parliament of these unwelcome interlopers, replacing them with “new, young able people” who’ll better be able to screw over all the rest of the young people, old people, poor people, non-white people, female people, Aboriginal people, and just ‘people’ in general, really.

Only hope is new poll with govt of all the talents ready to work together with clear mandate for reform, bringing in new, young able people

— Rupert Murdoch (@rupertmurdoch) September 3, 2015

But who should lead this wonderful new government? Who will save us from the current government, its deeply dysfunctional leadership, and the most unpopular Prime Minister in modern history?

Behold, our future leader:

In spite of some blind spots, Abbott far the best alternative. Principled and a fighter.

— Rupert Murdoch (@rupertmurdoch) September 3, 2015

Much like the time he resolved the ethically complex, emotionally fraught questions around the Charlie Hebdo massacre by cranking out a few tweets about the threat posed by “the Moslems,” Rupert’s kindly solved our chronic political deadlock problem. The answer’s simple: call a snap election, kick out everyone objecting or working against the dysfunction of the governemnt, and then replace them with the exact same people causing that dysfunction.

Simple. It worked three years ago, why wouldn’t it work now?

Thanks for your input, foreign billionaire who routinely makes the country worse! We’ll call you next time we need anything.