Review: Channel Ten’s Biopic Of Princess Mary Was Fantastically Bad

‘Twas the year 2000 when a young upstart called Nikki Webster captured the nation’s hearts; when a band called Bardot showed us that our love could be “deep as the ocean”, and a movie called The Wog Boy taught us all how to laugh. Ho ho, what a time it was!

It was also the year when Mary Donaldson, OUR Mary, met some European in a pornographically named bar in Sydney and subsequently became a goddamn princess. EVERY GIRL’S DREAM*! (*cannot confirm, fact check this.)

Firstly, I want to take the time to shout out Channel Ten for making Mary: The Making of a Princess. I mean, you guys truly know what the people want. For too long you’ve watched other stations making trashy telemovies about Australian rock stars and cabaret performers and serial killers and millionaires, waiting for your turn to take a slice of the pie. And what better story to tell than one of our nation’s proudest moments: marrying off a single ladies to a rich man overseas? Take a backseat, Phar Lap!

When we meet Mary (Emma Hamilton), she is a woman who dares to be single in a world that is continually reminding her that it is unnatural. She seems happy with her life, a life that mainly consists of running, eating celery with peanut butter, getting excited about the Olympics and looking longingly at emo kids kissing at the beach. She is 28 after all! What’s WRONG with her?

Her housemates, blonde Party Girl (Renae Small) and curly haired Friend Zone (Gig Clarke) think she’s got a “draw-bridge” pulled over her “lady parts”. Mary realises they are right and thinks, ‘Bloody hell; I better sweep the cobwebs from my ageing vagina already.’ So then she goes out to a bar and falls in love with the first man she sees, who is a prince, and they get married, the end.

Nah JK, it doesn’t happen that quickly! Although early on, this film does give us gals some handy tips in tricking a man into marrying you:

1. Tell everyone that you are done with dating, because then men will be drawn to you like a Dane to a late night pie.
2. Always say no to going out with your friends until the last possible minute.
3. Come up with a catch phrase when introducing yourself, so men will confuse remembering your name with actually being attracted to you.
4. Have drunk, disgusting friends to make you look comparatively refined.

According to the film, Sydney during the 2000 Olympics was a sweaty hedonistic marathon of lust and gold medals, with everyone trying to have sex with each other at all possible times. Was it true that you could stumble into any bar and find a cornucopia of handsome Europeans in polo shirts saying, “Excuza me, woulda you likea to toucha my chest?” while Madison Avenue’s ‘Don’t Call Me Baby’ pulsated in the background? I’ll never know: I was eleven at the time and primarily concerned with who the hell put Harry’s name in the Goblet of Fire.

Anyway, In between bleating, “I’M MARY FROM TASSIE!” to any European who will listen, Mary realises that the crew who she’s been partying with are all royals. She and her housemate Friend Zone race back home to dial-up their internet, make a cup of tea, turn on the iMac, watch a Frasier re-run, and then look up pics of Frederik, Crown Prince of Denmark. Of course Fred (Ryan O’Kane) calls her on her Nokia 3310 and is all, “Hullo Mary from Tassie, I am a prince”.  Mary is like, “WOAH, I AM A LONG WAY FROM TASSIE!!!!!”

So Fred and Mary’s romance begins, with montages of them running around Sydney holding hands, Fred helping old women off the bus while Mary’s loins explode, Mary deliberately referencing colloquial things like “Wizz Fizz” and refusing to explain them, Fred inexplicably taking all his clothes off at the beach BEFORE THEY’VE EVEN KISSED and asking her, “Australians are not a naked people?”

She takes him home, pops on a shirt that says “T A S M A N I A” (in case no one is sure by now where she is from) and, after telling her “I’m here to spoon”, Fred writhes around Mary’s bed making kisses.

Fred makes secret trips back to Sydney and sends Mary confusing philosophical post cards that she clutches to her chest while ‘Weir’ plays in the background. She tells her housemates that he has a big dick. Everything is going so well! But soon Mary starts freaking out: is Fred trying to control her life? Are the tabloids right and he has other women on the side? Fred has second thoughts: he hates when Mary disagrees with him! Fred’s brother HATES his own wife! But every time Fred and Mary are together — kissing on street corners, laughing with juice, watching September 11 on the phone together — they are just so in love.

BUT FRED’S FAMILY THINK SHE’S AUSTRALIAN TRASH! And now that the news is out, the paps love her (thanks a lot, red headed intern), which makes Fred’s family hate her even more. Fred’s mum looks like a baddie from Harry Potter. It is decided that Mary must move to Denmark and she agrees, just in case Fred’s mum uses the Cruciatus curse against her.

As soon as Mary gets to Denmark, it all gets hella real. She gets a Princess Diaries makeover (because apparently that shiny brown hair is just not shiny enough for Danish standards)! She changes her accent! She reads books on the history of Denmark while on the treadmill, and she wears expensive clothes! Fred says he prefers her “in nothing” in front of a literal room full of people, because this is one Dane who wants everyone to know that he is boning on the reg. But Fred’s family still think she’s a dumbass bimbo who can’t speak the language and is too uncouth to join their inbred, irrelevant family.

“Fuck them,” Fred says. “Fuck my mum and my dad, let’s get married, I am a prince.”

“You are a prince,” everyone says.

Mary and Fred get engaged and Mary shows the royal family that she’s not scared of them anymore by getting a lawyer to look at their marriage contract. She wants to make sure that her future kids are looked after. Fred wants his family to know that they plan on having “constant sex”.

Although Mary feels a bit funny — and I quote — “propagating the princess myth”, boy howdy she sure likes her roomy new house and fancy clothes. Powderfinger are playing a special festival for her, Fred has given her a eucalyptus tree: IT’S EXACTLY WHAT EVERY AUSTRALIAN GIRL WANTS*!! (*still unconfirmed, fact check this.)

You can probably guess that the movie ends with Mary’s very emotional wedding, in which everyone cries about heteronormative romance and how interesting it is when a poor person marries a rich person. It is sort of nice of in a ~true love~ kind of way. Mary’s friend Party Girl is all, “Say goodbye to Mary Donaldson” which is a pretty fucked up thing to say to someone who is about to walk down the aisle, but Mary replies, “NEVER!”

She is still our Mary. We are all Mary.

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You can stream Mary: The Making Of A Princess on TenPlay.

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Sinead Stubbins is a writer from Melbourne who has done stuff for Yen, frankie, Smith Journal and Elle. She tweets from @sineadstubbins