Precap: Game Of Thrones Season 3, Episode 1
Because the internet is one big game of getting in first, we recapped the first episode of season three before it even airs. Suckers.
Because the internet seems to be just one big game of getting in first, we asked one of our writers to recap Game Of Thrones’ season return before it airs and as if the books never happened. Because whatever, books.
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Season 2 of Game of Thrones left us like a jilted bride in a submarine: bewildered, heartbroken and full of questions. The Battle of Bywater has finished in all its green explosioney glory, effectively nullifying Stannis Barratheon and his sex-priestess. The stage is set for an epic confrontation between the Starks and the forces of the North and the Lannisters, who have teamed up with the Tyrrels. Who will win? Episode one gives us a lot of very interesting hints and, in the show’s typical way, changes the game completely.
On the opening credits: With a soundtrack that could inspire Samwell Tarly to hold several rounds in the practice yard (reference), the opening credits of GOT are the perfect mixture of awesome graphics and soul stirring music. While the inclusion of Hogwarts on the map of Westeros is exciting, it’s the revelation of Westfield Parramatta as a new location that really surprised me.
On the shock deaths: Ever since we discovered the show was happy to kill off their main protagonists, we as an audience have never felt safe. But nothing could have prepared us for the series of surprise deaths that went down in season three’s first episode. Sansa Stark dying from a never-ending menstrual cycle? I suppose it makes sense, considering her period seemed to last for the entirety of season two. But before we could even take that in, we are told that Tyrion – my favourite character – dies from heart failure, due to being a dwarf. I really felt slighted by the fact he not only died off screen, but that our knowledge of this was a throwaway line by Tywin as he skinned a brace of lizards. And then of course we have Robb Stark, who died from lady germs.
On the dragons: They were fake robot dragons this whole time? George R.R. Martin is a diabolical genius.
The real dragons are scattered to three corners of the earth, and Daenerys needs to find three magical keys to free them. It was heartwarming when she named Jorah Mormont and her handmaidens as ‘The Superfriends’, and gave them each a magical power; it will be very interesting to see how Jorah uses his ability to talk to bears in future episodes.
On the sex: It wouldn’t be Game of Thrones without its trademark sex, and this episode doesn’t disappoint. Not only was there that whole scene where Littlefinger uses nipple clamps as an extended analogy about monarchist politics while in the background over three hundred whores have sex in the style of a dog – but boldly, this is the episode where we get to see some Jon Snow full frontal scrotum action. Finally some equality in this show. I say bravo, HBO.
On authenticity: Season three has apparently taken greater culinary inspiration from the books, which is a decision I frankly applaud. I refer of course to the scene in which Caitlyn Stark and Stannis Baratheon eat dogs pickled in ginger and a layer of pound cakes sandwiched by bacon rind and saffron in a sauce of rotten smegma, washed down by honeyed bear urine. And then they also ate lamprey eels. Have you even seen a lamprey eel? Disgusting. It was actually pretty baffling, plot-wise, but so true to the world Martin created. That horrible, horrible world.
On the violence: Poor Jon Snow. It turns out neither his killing of Qhorin Halfhand or the baring of his entire scrotum was able to prove his manliness to the wildings. That said, it was pretty amazing when he stabbed that dude to death using only a ferret. Also, I just know there’s going to be a million gifs of Grand Maester Pycelle finally slapping Joffrey.
On Brienne and Jaime: When they set out on their own, I didn’t foresee that they would team up to solve crimes in Kings Landing. But I love it. Who killed the widow in the candle shop with the candle? Can’t wait to find out.
On animal companions: This I didn’t like. Despite being set up at the beginning with the Starks and their direwolves, the revelation that the Tully’s each now have a super-sentient trout for a familiar seemed weird and cheap to me. Why did the trout with the Jamaican accent keep telling Brynden Tully to “Look inside himself” and to “be cool man”?
Arya Stark: ‘Stabby Stark’, as she is now known, stabbed, like, a thousand dudes. It was great when she surprisingly stabbed Hot Pie, but also sad when she accidentally stabbed Bran, who couldn’t even crawl away because he is so horribly crippled.
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Patrick Lenton is a writer of theatre and fiction. He blogs at The Spontaneity Review and tweets inanity @patricklenton.