Melbourne Radio Host Tom Elliott Thinks We Should Just Cancel Democracy For A While, Calls For “Benign Dictatorship”

You’ve probably vaguely heard of Tom Elliott, the host of Melbourne radio station 3AW’s Drive program. He’s the guy who got fooled into putting some random claiming to be rapper 360 live on his radio show last year, and also did a “world-exclusive interview” with ISIS commander Abu Omar al-Shishani that turned out to be some guy in Scandinavia having him on.

In between falling ratings and being convinced that an ISIS leader would chat to a Melbourne drive-time program, Elliott hasn’t had a stellar run over the last couple of years. But he’s managed to one-up himself with a thought bubble so bizarre it reads like something from The Shovel. Writing in the Herald Sun‘s opinion pages today, Elliott has literally, genuinely called for the democratic process in Australia to be suspended and a benign dictatorship installed to make the country’s “tough decisions”.

Lest you think Elliott is being misquoted, here it is from the man himself.

And on Twitter, where he’s summed up his inspired argument with a series of almost-sentences.

Tom’s solution to fixing our country: “We need a benign dictatorship, we need a committee of proven, talented people, give them 5 years”

— Tom Elliott (@TomElliott3AW) February 5, 2015

The fact that Tom Elliott either has someone to run his Twitter account or refers to himself in the third person is objectionable enough, but arguing for the temporary abolition of democracy is another matter entirely. He’d better have a damn good rationale for a call like that; let’s see what he has to say.

“As voters we’ve developed short attention spans and high expectations. Consequently our political masters are beholden to opinion polls. They tell us what we want to hear rather than that which is necessary for the country’s long-term good. In short, our prosperity will soon nosedive unless we make some difficult decisions.”

Ah, so it’s our fault! We’re not clever enough to do this democracy thing properly, which is why we keep voting for the wrong people. Once I voted for a ham sandwich and ate my vote on accident, because I am a Young Person who is too busy looking at my mobile phone to learn things good. Doy!

Here’s an example, in Elliott’s eyes, of voters getting it so sadly, stupidly wrong:

“Up in Queensland, reformist premier Campbell Newman has been kicked out after a single term. Apart from his abrasive style, Mr Newman’s sin was proposing a series of asset privatisations to reduce state debt.  In 21st century Queensland, however, short-term voters appear to prefer Labor’s Anna Palaszczuk. 

“She may be a very pleasant person. But the task she faces as premier is immense. The sunshine state’s debt per capita rivals that of European basket case Greece. And while Athens’s problems currently occupy the best economic minds in the EU, what practical experience does Ms Palaszczuk bring to Queensland’s problems? Almost none. Her entire working life has revolved around politics and policy advice.

“…Because we fear tough decisions, we inevitably end up with leaders who just tell us what we want to hear. One day we’ll wake up in a real mess, and realise we only have ourselves to blame.”

Hear that, Queensland? You’re mentally incapable of voting because you don’t like it when governments privatise assets and punish those that do, especially when they promise they won’t. You fools! Why won’t you accept that a bunch of former political staffers from wealthy private schools and cosy business connections are the font of all economic knowledge? Damn you! Damn you all to hell!

Thankfully, though, Elliott has the solution to our nation’s woes: get rid of democracy and get some randoms to run the place the way I would personally like it to be run! “Let’s agree on a set of truly important problems — mounting debt, population growth, lack of jobs, rising health care expenditure, inefficient welfare and an inadequate defence force — and appoint a committee of eminent and competent Australians to sort it out. A benign dictatorship if you will.”

If we can nominate our own “eminent and competent Australians” for this Justice League of one-party rule, I’m going to have to go with Aussie icon Shannon Noll. The man has been ready to lead this country for years. Just look at his tattoo!

I’m a fan of authoritarian government as much as the next guy, but the logistics are worrying me. How would it work? Whose iron fist should be submit to? So many questions!

According to Elliott, though, the answer is simple

“This committee would consist of experts in their fields without political axes to grind. It’d need at least five years to complete its tasks during which time elected governments could administrate, but take no major decisions.

“At the end of five years the committee members would stand down and be objectively assessed on their performance. Good results might mean a substantial pension for life and maybe an Australian Knighthood if such an award still exists. Bad performance implies half a decade wasted — but could this be any worse than what will occur if short-term poll-driven politicians remain in charge?”

“Could this be any worse?” How could five-year rule by unelected, all-powerful oligarchs possibly be worse than having to watch elected representatives be held accountable for their actions by the people who voted for them? How hard is democracy?! Ugh. So hard.

“History provides some precedents for such a drastic idea,” Elliott continues. “Between 1935 and ’45, for example, the UK put elections aside while a series of national governments — consisting of representatives from all major parties — grappled with the Great Depression, the League of Nations’ collapse and World War II. A democratic poll was held only after Nazi Germany had been defeated.” He’s absolutely right: Australia’s levels of debt, which numerous economists have pointed out are relatively minor, are definitely comparable to the imminent threat of Nazi invasion, and should be treated as such.

“Our normally robust democracy isn’t working at the moment. Let’s give a group of tough-minded professionals a one-off chance to clean up the fiscal and economic mess into which Australia is rapidly sliding,” Elliott finishes sombrely, wiping a patriotic tear from the corner of his eye.

“What have we to lose?”

What.

Have.

We.

To.

Lose.

We’re done here. Goodbye.