John Oliver Orchestrated A Worldwide Effort To Rescue A Spaceship Full Of Russian Sex Geckos

Last week, Last Week Tonight host and professional Englishman John Oliver launched an impassioned plea after Russia’s space agency lost contact with a capsule full of geckos orbiting the Earth. The little things were fired into space ostensibly as part of a research study into how microgravity would effect their mating and fertilisation habits, because if there’s one problem Russia should be trying to solve right now it’s how to make lizards fuck in space.

Oliver roped in celebrities like Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Patrick Stewart and Buzz “second comes right after first” Aldrin to his #gogetthosegeckos campaign, and implored his viewers to flood the Kremlin’s official website with letters to Vladimir Putin, who no doubt loved the joke and isn’t sending all these people uranium waste in the mail when this whole thing dies down.

Here’s the letter I wrote to President Putin. Hopefully you all are doing the same. #GoGetThoseGeckos pic.twitter.com/gxhebILgZj

— Demetrius (@fergoe) July 28, 2014

However, it appears those cries for help have been answered; in a special web-only broadcast, Oliver has joyfully announced that the cargo of space-cowboy fucklizards has been found and that world peace is imminent.

If you’re not aspiring to be a forty-something-year-old comedian hosting your own talk show that veers between genuinely fearless and insightful reporting on hot-button issues, and organising global campaigns to save spaceships full of sex geckos because you’re still forty percent teenage boy, you are in the wrong place. Flee.