I Didn’t Watch Any Of Breaking Bad, But I’m Pretty Sure I Know How The Whole Thing Went

If you haven’t seen a whole lot of Breaking Bad, there’s probably a spoiler or two in here.

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A popular TV series named Breaking Bad ended this week.

I have read about Breaking Bad on the internet, seen an endless supply of gifs and fan illustrations related to Breaking Bad, and listened to my friends talk ad nauseam about Breaking Bad, but here’s my dirty little secret: I have never actually seen Breaking Bad.

Since everyone I know is talking about Breaking Bad this week, I’m feeling left out, so I thought I’d try something fun. Here’s my attempt to retell the story of Breaking Bad, based solely on gifs and things I’ve heard people say on the internet. Let me know how I did.

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The show’s protagonist is a chemistry teacher named Walter White, who is diagnosed with cancer and can’t pay his medical bills, so he becomes a meth-cooking anti-hero.

[image via Good-Wallpapers]

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Walter has a young protégé named Jesse who tags along with him in his meth cooking business. Jesse is cute, but maybe not the sharpest tool in the shed?

[image via Red Bubble]

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There is an RV, where Jesse and Walt cook meth because I guess you can’t cook meth at home.

[image via Matt Frith]

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It starts out as a sitcom, but gets more serious in later seasons. Bob Odenkirk plays a sleazy lawyer character in it, however, so there are probably still comedy elements.

[image via Giphy]

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Walt becomes really good at meth and corners the meth market in Albuquerque or wherever this is set. Thanks to Breaking Bad, I also know meth is blue.

[image via captainsloth.deviantart]

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Krysten Ritter shows up for a while as Jesse’s girlfriend, but then Walter White murders her in her sleep for some reason. It’s possible she was being a bitch.

[image via reddit]

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Walt goes bald, possibly because of the cancer. Everyone else goes bald, possibly to show that Breaking Bad is more dark and violent now.

[image via Salon]

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There is a bad dude named Heisenberg, who is either a rival of Walt’s or is actually Walt himself.

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There is a purple teddy bear that gets burned or destroyed, possibly symbolising loss of innocence and Walt is unhappy, because it was his favourite one.

[image via Wallpaper Giant]

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A bad man tries to steal Walt’s meth and Walt is so mad that he blows half the guy’s face off to teach him a lesson.

[image via International Business Times]

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I’ve also never seen Friday Night Lights but one of the guys from that also shows up in Breaking Bad and kills a lot of people.

[image via Panda Whale]

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Something about a turtle?

[image via Give Me My Remote]

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Walt has made a lot of money by this point, and this guy, whoever he is, rolls around in it.

[image via Business Insider]

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Walt’s wife is suddenly a very important character. She drinks a lot of white wine, and also maybe tries to blackmail him?

[image via IGN]

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Whatever she does, Walter is so mad at her that he throws a pizza on the roof, and the actress who plays her receives death threats.

[image via gifrific]

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After losing both his pizza and his favourite teddy, Walt decides it’s time to quit the meth game. He and Jesse leave town after a big shootout.

[image via Rich Kelly]

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In the series finale, Walt goes into the witness protection program and becomes the dad from Malcolm In The Middle. Jesse becomes his son Dewey.

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Alasdair Duncan is an author, freelance writer and video game-lover who has had work published in Crikey, The Drum, The Brag, Beat, Rip It Up, The Music Network, Rave Magazine, AXN Cult and Star Observer.