How To Deal With Ashes Tragics This Summer

While the Howard-esque cricket fanatics push their spectacles up their nose and prepare to stick like super-glue to their various screens (cricinfo being the tech-savvy cricket tragic’s app of the moment), many will be hoping to keep away from this summer’s sporting mainstay with as little fuss as possible. But loathe it or not, cricket season’s here and it’s fairly unavoidable.

The patronising diatribe about our nation’s passion for cricket that most media insist on may leave you feeling isolated from the flapping packs of nerds practicing phantom cover drives in the office, but at some point you may have to take in a few overs on TV or find yourself stuck in a conversation that simply wont deviate from The Ashes.

Here are ten tips to help you look cricket-smart amidst weeks of banal TV commentary and endless ear-bashing from geeks.

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1. Never (EVER) ask who is winning

This instantly displays a distant relationship with the game, and is akin to walking into a Fitzroy cafe and asking for an ‘extra-hot mugachino with Equal, and a schnitzel sandwich’. Asking “What’s he on?” (remember, we’re not talking about Essendon footballers here) will indicate an interest in the individual player and therefore some inferred knowledge. Every answer should be met with a knowing nod and raise of the eyebrow, and a well-placed and thoughtful “hmm” is useful here and there, too.

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2. Follow cricketers on Twitter

Seriously, how can you not? The hubris of sportsmen thinking they have something worthwhile to say to the planet is nothing short of pure entertainment gold.

— Kevin Pietersen (@KP24) November 10, 2013

 Dave Warner and co. regularly roll out the odd pearl of wisdom, and Stuart Broad will bite at any tweet posted. Kevin Pietersen‘s bizarre posts and huffy USE OF CAPITALS AND PUNCTUATION!!! lend a warm fuzzy feeling as your attentiveness in English class finally pays dividends.

Excitingly, we’ve already received the first tweeted use of the word “pathetic” for the series, as @stuartbroad8 returns fire. Meeeow!

— Stuart Broad (@StuartBroad8) November 18, 2013

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3. Scoff often

Cricket is the armchair expert’s sport, never forget that. The moment an Australian bowler is hit for four or six (and it could be often), a shake of the head and an unimpressed scoff will endear you to plenty of haters.

If there’s one thing the Aussie team has, its haters. While the English team may have plenty of villains that rile the tragics, the Aussies are made up of anti-heroes easily kicked while down.

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4. Have an opinion

As above, cricket is all about chewing the fat and whiling away time, lending itself to plenty of theoretical banter. The classic know-it-all pre-amble of “What they should do…” will no doubt feature at some point in the series.

Fear not. This doesn’t need to be a view on the field settings to an around the wicket left arm wrist spinner. Structural changes to Cricket Australia, more coverage for the Southern Stars (that’s the women’s team), and match-scheduling around pub opening hours are all valid fields of discourse.

Safe bet: “Geez, [name an Australian player] needs some runs soon…” should receive knowing nods of agreement.

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5. DRS

Following the issues listed above, the ‘Decision Review System‘ is going to be the biggest sticking point of the summer. In short, both teams get two opportunities to appeal an umpire’s decision with the aid of video technology.

“What they should do…” is perhaps to be expected whenever this subject arises. However, caution is encouraged: never offer a ‘WTSD’ solution. Always listen, awaiting the opportunity to chime in with a one-liner like, “It’s caused more controversy than its quelled…” or “It’s an imperfect system attempting to be accurate in an imperfect game.” Any comment along the lines of “That’s the way the game is heading…” must be met with a scoff. Knowing actions from the first point will be useful here, too.

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6. Know who Ian Bell is

This guy is a seriously good batsman who used to get picked on by Shane Warne. But since Warney let him be, he’s blossomed into a measured and patient batsman with every shot in the book.

The figure of Bell to Aussie fans represents one of a stability and reliablity lacking in our current line-up. Hackneyed idioms like “persistence” and “hard work” should be employed when talking of Ian Bell, and always in a reverend and respectful tone. The phrase “hard to get out” could also be uttered here.

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7. Listen to Richie Benaud

It’s hard not to be charmed by the boundless cricket love that oozes from the dulcet tones of the greatest commentator since Alan McGilvray (he’s the old ABC guy who had to make up commentary via Morse code). Benaud’s economic guidance gracefully allows viewers into the game he loves only slightly less than his wife of 46 years, Daphne. He’s the link to a simpler time and the embodiment of all the gentlemanly and refined attributes cricket lays claim to.

Unfortunately, his recent car accident (in his snappy ’63 Sunbeam Alpine) is a blow to viewers. Hopefully, we’ll see him return to the mic sometime later this summer.

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8. Avoid adopting past players’ viewpoints

This summer’s cricket coverage will be dominated by past players expressing their opinions and trading war stories. While the yarns of nights out in English pubs can often produce rare gold, the cricketing viewpoints of these former players are usually hyper ‘WTSD’ comments.

Generally laced with a healthy dose of hyperbole and a captive audience, the viewpoints can be extreme (see: these examples from Dean Jones and Doug Walters). Stay well back from these veritable landmines with the techniques explored in Points 1 and 3.

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9. Use cliches

Cliches are at work in every moment of a cricket match. They are dependable, fail-safe and devoid of any real meaning. For example:

“At the end of the day, coming in off the long run might buy a wicket, but if the batsmen keep their head down, they can make hay while the sun shines and put some runs on the board. On the other hand, if the top order fail to fire, the bowlers will have to do the job. Given the nature of the wicket, we can expect to see some movement early and it’ll flatten out as the day moves on (note: this has been said of every wicket in every match ever played). We can expect reasonable scores if the batsmen make runs, and a change of innings if the bowlers get on top.”

The more nonsense spoken, the greater the cricket aptitude. There are amazingly enjoyable and perplexingly endless ways to say, “Batsmen are batting and bowlers are bowling.”

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10. WAGS

Keeping up to date with the glossy mags can provide keys to players’ form. The off-field has plenty to offer in the way of trashy entertainment. For example, Liz Hurley’s head-scratchingly bizarre relationship with our greatest leg spinner is well documented.

A story is never far away that is linked to a player’s form. For example, the spat between Mitchell Johnson’s mother and wife could make an appearance at some point should he fail to take wickets. Any large score from Michael Clarke will render a shot of the actress from those Jim Beam ads, and comparisons to his ex-fiance (the ever demure Lara Bingle) and the inferred link of ‘happy wife, happy life’ will abound.

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The Ashes began this morning, and are being broadcast live on Channel Nine right now. They’ll keep on going ’til early January, god help us all. View the entire summer schedule here. 

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Dan Toomey is a writer, digital media guy and cricket nerd. He writes, works and makes drinks in Melbourne, in between batting for the Royal Park Reds. He tweets @dan_tooms occasionally.

Feature image by Jes, under a Creative Commons license on Flickr.