Hoons On Motorised Picnic Tables Are Terrorising The Decent Taxpayers Of Perth

Decent, law-abiding society is periodically rocked by displays of thuggery and moral decrepitude so heinous, so vile, that the mind struggles to accept them. Graffiti on trains; gangs of youngsters loitering in public spaces; teens defiling gazebos. All right-thinking people shake their heads at such acts of wantonness.

But it seems the nation’s youth are even more depraved than was commonly feared. Western Australia Police have solemnly reported that they are on the lookout for nine young men who have attached wheels, motors and steering mechanisms to two picnic tables, and are driving them around on Perth streets like an extremely low-budget Mad Max: Fury Road.

The men — possibly gang-affiliated — were captured on camera by a passing motorist, before rocketing away on their jerry-rigged devices, no doubt en route to some further misdeed.

Horrified at the footage, the good people of Perth have vowed to leave no stone unturned in the hunt for the rogue picnickers, and assist police in whatever capacity they can to apprehend the fiends.

This is not the first time that honest Perth small business owners have cowered in their homes, afraid even to duck down the shops and grab a Cornetto lest they find themselves at the mercy of hoons astride motorised abominations. In 2014 a lone man faced charges after driving a motorised esky along West Coast Highway in Perth’s northern suburbs.

In an interview with 9 News Perth, the reprobate’s clearly shaken companions emotionally recounted how he told them “he was just going to get some smokes”. They could never have predicted the madness to come.

It is unknown whether the gang of thugs is affiliated with the state Labor Party, but WA Opposition Leader Mark McGowan is yet to release a statement condemning the criminals for their actions. Speculation in some quarters that the picnic table bandits are a covert flying hit-squad in the employ of the union movement remains unconfirmed.