‘Game Of Thrones’ Season 6, Episode 5 Power Ranking: Well, We Finally Saw A Penis

Spoilers for the latest episode of Game Of Thrones. Seriously. SO MANY SPOILERS.

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You cannot say that we never get to see dick on this show. You can no longer say that. Was it the dick that we wanted? No, it was super gross; I expect global population rates to sharply drop as a result. But maybe it was the dick we deserved, fellow disgusting perverts.

LET’S DO THE POWER RANKING!

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Winners Of The Week

The Night’s King (10 points)

I mean, that motherfucker really knows how to make an entrance.

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Sansa Stark (8 points)

Sansa is making everyone in Westeros accountable for rape culture, and thus is now terrifying to every man around her (with the added bonus of frequently having Brienne standing behind her menacingly like: “I got u”). But being the daughter of Catelyn Stark, Mother of Bad Decisions, means that she of course takes Littlefinger’s advice about the Tully army without considering that it might be untrue.

Even though I am loving Sansa’s “The North Remembers/Starks Rule” business-braids power tour, she may lose points in the future for being so blindly confident that the Stark celebrity will win them automatic support. Making Jon and yourself matching custom outfits won’t necessarily be enough to gather the smaller Northern families — just because you dress Jon in Wolf Couture doesn’t mean everyone’s going to accept him, fam.

Seems to be working for these guys, though.

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Jorah (7 points)

Jorah finally got to declare his undying love for Dany (as if anyone hadn’t figured it out by this point) while Daario stood awkwardly on the sidelines.

Jorah: “Khaleesi: if I should stay, I would only be in your way. So I’ll go but I know, I’ll think of you every step of the way.”

Dany: “Yep, that’s fine.”

Jorah: “And I… will always —“

Dany: “YEP, GOOD LUCK WITH THAT CURE, BYE!”

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Arya Stark (6 points)

Let’s all pray to the Many-Faced God that this is the last stick fighting montage we’ll have to see for a while. They always go the exact same way. “Haha, you’re bad at fighting with sticks.” “Woah, you’re a little better at fighting with sticks!” “She’s not ready; look at how she struggles with these sticks!” “You are right, maybe she doesn’t have what it takes to fight exclusively with sticks.”

Now Arya has been given a second chance to stay in the least exciting place in the Seven Kingdoms, all she has to do is poison Miss Fisher. However, this means that she has to sit through a play that satirises the King’s Landing politics that betrayed her family — kind of like The Daily Show of the Free Cities, but with more boobs and Richard E. Grant.

One thing is for sure, Arya better start impressing those Facers, because Jaqen is getting tired of her shit.

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Edd (5 points)

Shout out Edd, who has only recently remembered that he is now Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch — one of the worst promotions you could possibly get in the job market. It’s okay though, judging by his hair, Edd is a Millennial and thus won’t be there for long.

(Man, if any angry Boomers read Junkee that joke would have KILLED.)

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Losers Of The Week

Theon and Yara Greyjoy (4 points)

Imagine if we decided who was going to be Prime Minister by attempting to drown everyone and just electing whoever survived.

All the knotty-haired lords of the Iron Islands gathered for the election and for a while it seemed like Yara was doing well. That is until a ruddy-faced man pointed out: “Hey, she’s not a man!” Fair cop, random man, fair cop! But then Theon steps up and is all, “Hey, hey! Yara is NOT a man — those rumours are 100 percent true. But she knows about the sea and I am too traumatised to lead. To Yara!” and the crowd starts chanting Yara’s name because they are very easily persuaded in the Iron Islands! Also, the salt air was probably stinging everyone’s eyes and they just wanted to go inside.

But ho, ho look here! Euron of course has been waiting for this moment and was seemingly hovering the whole time, standing close enough that the bedraggled crowd could hear him, but far enough away that he still made an excellent entrance. “I Euron, a man, should be on the Salt Throne!” he says. “These two don’t even have a penis between them!” Look, that’s a tough call, but it’s absolutely accurate.

Euron tells everyone that he plans on seducing Dany, touches his dick again just as a reminder that he has one, and then everyone starts chanting HIS name. Yara and Theon are like: “We’ve fucked it, let’s gallivant our arses out of this place”. Euron enacts the ritual attempted drowning and wins his shitty stick crown. To become King of the Iron Islands you have to almost die, as the experience of living there is actually very similar to that of dying.

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Littlefinger (3 points)

“OH WHAT NOW LADY, YOU WANT ME TO BEG FOR MY LIFE, GOOD GRIEF —“

“Yes, actually.”

“Ok plz don’t kill me.”

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Tyrion and Varys (3 points)

Tyrion is still desperately trying to manage a place that he doesn’t have much investment in, and decides that religion might be the key. It’s worked so well for everyone else! Melisandre 2.0 seems vaguely interesting, but the real question is: what did Varys’ penis say in the fire?

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Meera Reed (1 point)

If I had hitched my wagon to a guy who can’t even bother waking up on time, I would be pretty pissed too.

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The Audience (-10 points)

Because these two haven’t kissed yet.

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Death Count: 4

Children of The Forest: RIP sorry to count you all as a collective unit, but tbh you also invented the White Walkers so my feelings about y’all are a little conflicted right now.

Three-Eyed Raven: RIP to the Gandalf Beyond the Wall, the Obi-Wan who was also dry as hell.

Bran: “Now that I have spent months of arduous training in this cave, listening to your wise and cryptic musings on life, am I ready to be you and save Westeros?”

Three-Eyed Raven: “No, goodbye.”

Summer: RIP, another direwolf bites the dust :( Winter really is coming now.

Hodor: Nope. Not ready.

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WTF, Who Knows?

Bran Stark

Well, Bran cooked it.

Because he has the kind of curiosity that leads him to do stupid things, like climb perilous towers and witness incest, Bran decided it would be tite to go time/space travelling by himself.

Yes you DID, Bran! What followed seemed like a horror movie; one that I had nightmares about for most of last night (in one of them I was the White Walker though, can someone pay for my therapist?). While Bran watches a pleasant flashback of his father going off to the Vale, Meera and the Children Of The Forest have to fight wights that are literally dropping from the ceiling and Walking Dead-ing in every corner of the goddamn cave.

Everyone is getting stabbed and eaten and, as Bran and Meera get away, it is revealed that Hodor became Hodor because he had Bran’s consciousness inside him in the past, and could hear the echo of Meera yelling “Hold the door!” — or something to that affect.

Whatever, it was a real fucking bummer however it happened.

Pour one out for Hodor. As a tribute, let’s all refuse to hold any doors for anyone today, even if they’re our friend and especially if they’re holding a tray of coffees for the whole office. It’s what he would have wanted.

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Game of Thrones is on Showtime at 11am and 7.30pm every Monday. Check back on Junkee this afternoon for Mel Campbell‘s full recap of this week’s episode.