‘Game Of Thrones’ Season 6, Episode 9 Power Ranking: Shitting Your Guts Out

SO MANY SPOILERS, SERIOUSLY. 

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When God invented TV (someone fact check this) I’m pretty sure he did it with two explicit intentions in mind: to broadcast baking competitions and to teach us the bleak realities of war. That’s entertainment, my friends!

I hope you too enjoyed loudly sobbing in the comfort of your own home, while contemplating death, death, relentless death and the futility of all things and the brutality of humans. Because in this golden age of television only one thing matters — that you end the episode at least 70 percent more overcome with despair than when you started it.

LET’S DO THE POWER RANKING!

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Winners Of The Week

Ramsay’s Dogs (10 points)

I mean, there isn’t a dog on the planet who will go hungry tonight.

After watching #GameofThrones pic.twitter.com/Eex3pRVq6T

— Internet Palace (@InternetPalace) June 20, 2016

If this doesn’t inspire the Baha Men to make a comeback, what even is the point of art?

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The House Of Stark (9 points)

They won! They won Winterfell and smote their enemies! We should be happy! This should be the best and coolest time! So why does it feel… kind of shitty?

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Jon Snow (8 points)

Haha, how are you not dead yet! Jon’s continual survival is the biggest fantasy element of this show, bar none. Almost, GOD-LIKE.

Guys…. #GameofThrones
Jon and Dany pic.twitter.com/Hpm69oCg5f

— ash✧ (@_bluebirdsfly_) June 20, 2016

Jon’s Catharsis Tour of The North was successful, but it’ll be interesting to see how he fares after this highly terrible and horrific battle. JK, trauma is hardly ever tackled on this show, he’ll probably just get another haircut.

The pre-battle WIP meeting mainly consisted of Sansa saying “You will die soon, GOOD DAY!” then riding into the distance, and Jon making slightly different sad faces for roughly ten minutes. It turns out that battle admin is not as interesting as you’d think it would be?

Ramsay: “I will see you in the morning.”

Jon Snow: “Yes, we will come back in the morning.”

Ramsay: “This time tomorrow, you will perish.”

Jon Snow: “Yes, tomorrow at this time, but it will be you who will perish.”

Ramsay: “At 11am tomorrow, right at this place and not the field over there, we will meet and battle.”

Jon Snow: “I will get here at ten to eleven tomorrow, it may take time to park, then we shall battle ‘til death.”

Ramsay: “This field.”

Jon Snow: “See you tomorrow.”

Everyone was so excited for the battle!!!

You already know that the battle was terrible. That Ramsay murdered Rickon when he was close enough to Jon that Jon could see it happen in great detail (WHY DIDN’T YOU ZIG ZAG RICKON, WHY), many thousands of people die, others are screaming and wounded on the ground, Wun Wun dies, suddenly the terrain becomes very mountainous because there are so many goddamn bodies on the ground, Jon gets stepped on a lot, Tormund had to give Lord Umber a hickey, war is a relentless and mindless horror, etc.

You would be forgiven for not feeling 100 percent stoked by the end of this episode. Yeah, Jon caught Ramsay and beat him to a bloody pulp, but so much bad stuff had to happen to get to the point!

TV is depressing. Let’s watch memes.

Very good.

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Sansa Stark (8 points)

If there was an award for smuggest motherfucker in Westeros, it would go to Sansa Stark. After admonishing Jon for not having a solid battle plan like hers (“don’t do what he wants you to do” GOOD WORK, SUN TZU) Sansa took matters into her own hands, and rustled up Littlefinger’s army from the Vale. Then, as she watched her soldiers kill other soldiers, she smiled.

Then she saw Rickon’s body and she didn’t smile. But after she made Ramsay’s dogs eat his face, she smiled. Then she thought about the Emmy nomination she will probably get and she smiled.

GUESS WHO’S GETTING THEIR OLD ROOM BACK, YEWWWWW!

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Dany (7 points)

Dany is only mildly concerned when the Masters start chucking balls of fire at her pyramid because it gives her the opportunity to show off her new foreign policy: burning shit to the ground. The Masters cower and curse themselves for spending so much time on their generous application of eyeliner and not enough time contemplating that this person has operating dragons. Sure would make #AusPol more interesting.

So Dany and her three dragons — the other two surprisingly not suffering from an abandonment complex, maybe dragons are really good at being present — prove that the Khaleesi is the best and the Breaker of Chains by burning all the ships and the people on the ships, who in all probability are also slaves. Dany’s team are all smug and smugly smile at each other, as thousands of people drown in the sea. What a productive day.

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Theon and Yara (6 points)

Apparently the trip to Mereen is the equivalent of Melbourne to Hobart, because the Greyjoy siblings got there REAL fast (I guess there was no traffic because Dany had burnt everything else in the sea?). As the internet had hoped, Dany and Yara’s conversation was exactly what you’d find in a secret women’s-only Facebook group full of vague and exciting proclamations about empowerment*.

Although Yara was initially hestitant to comply with Dany’s “no raping” rule she did relent because not raping people is a small price to pay for borrowing some dragons to kill your uncle.

*I love secret Facebook groups, please send me an invitation :)

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Losers Of The Week

Ramsay Bolton (o points)

You lost Winterfell and your jaw, what a day.

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Melisandre (2 points)

Oh Melly, you better watch out! Now that Davos has stumbled upon Shireen’s crime scene on his customary shit walk, he’s going to want some good old fashioned Onion justice.

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Death Count: Just A Fucking Lot, Okay?

Rickon: RIP little darling Rickon. You were too sweet for this world. That was a very long way to run :(

Ramsay: SEEYA, CARNT!

Wun Wun: RIP you helpful giant :(

Three quarters of the North’s population: Winter is coming anyway, I guess?

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WTF, Who Knows?

Littlefinger

Now that Game of Thrones’ creepy uncle has essentially won Winterfell for Sansa, what will he want in return? Sure the sound of his army approaching made you want to cheer (that is no Orc horn!) but what’s the catch? I’m too nervous to speculate on what this means for Sansa.

Goddamn, it’s all too much. Let’s drink all the grape-water we can stomach until next week.