#Nomakeupselfie, #Cockinasock, And Five New Ways We Can Tap Into Vanity Charity
You can change the world, one "totes cewt" selfie at a time.
In a Season Three episode of Veronica Mars, the perpetually happy-go-lucky Dick Casablancas passed the time by taking polaroid shots of his junk and then throwing them off a balcony to the unsuspecting people below. At the time, it seemed like he was just living up to his name. Little did we know, he was just doing his bit to raise cancer awareness.
Over the past week, women have been generously sacrificing the safety blanket of makeup and unleashing their bare faces upon the world via softly-lit images, all in the name of “cancer awareness”. For those doing it right, the latest social media craze — ‘#nomakeupselfie’ — helped raise about eight million pounds for Cancer Research UK. Unfortunately, countless others missed the point completely, posting photos with no mention of charitable donations, or any indication of what kind of impact their selfless deed was going to have. They just racked up their likes, and were casually reassured with lines like “ur still hot babe”, insidious and sexist implications be damned. With the ‘vanity charity’ vehicle revved up, gym-sculpted men quickly followed suit, taking to social media to help rid the world of testicular cancer by shoving the only part of their body that doesn’t do weights into a sock, and delightfully tagging it ‘#cockinasock‘.
“I fail to see how this self-indulgent crap actually serves to heighten cancer awareness,” says cancer patient and Brisbane Times reporter Kim Stephens, in an article that’s doing the rounds this morning. But despite the obvious narcissism on display and the absurdity in portraying a makeup-less face as a ‘brave’ act, the fact is — as the funds raised have shown — those who did link their selfie to a charity have made some kind of impact (uh, even those who accidentally raised money for polar bears). Self-centredness sells, sometimes. Plus, some people doing #nomakeupselfie or #cockinasock have prompted others to get check-ups or talk about their own personal experiences.
Still, that’s not really the point, is it? The point is figuring out some new way to showcase yourself under the guise of doing good for the world. So what’s the next potential trend? We have some ideas…
–
Mascara For Migraines
What should your picture look like: Get your best lash-extend, long-last liner, and crack out your phone. The aim here is to look anime as all hell: big eyes and maximum cleavage are a must, so high angles and pouts are your best friends.
How it raises awareness: Eyelashes are on your head, and that’s where migraines happen. Derp.
Reaction to expect: “Omg ur so pretty. Eyes. Wow.”
–
Soul Patch For Alopecia
Think of all the likes you’ll receive.
What should your picture look like: Guys: Google ‘Shannon Noll’. You’re done. Ladies: you may need a biro for this one, but as we all know, nothing is funnier than subverting society’s expectations of male and female set roles.
How it raises awareness: Alopecia is a hair-loss condition, so to remain in keeping with the sensitivity and logic of all vanity charity drives, you should obviously grow some hair to support this.
Reaction to expect: “Trololol *NSYNC called — they need you for the album launch.”
–
Angel Wings For Arthritis
What should your picture look like: You need to be topless, but it’ll be shot from the back, so don’t worry — it’s artistic. You will also need to be super dexterous, though, as you have to literally draw some angel wings on your back with a sharpie. Unless you are a Level 5+ selfie pro, you will need a friend to take the photo for you. Black and white, ofc.
How it raises awareness: Shut up, it’s alliterative.
Reaction to expect: “Looking sexy, Miss/Mr” (no reinforced gender stereotypes here).
#arthritisinspiration
–
Karaoke For Cavities
What should your picture look like: No pictures here, it’s time to hit up YouTube. Choose a song that really sums you up, one that no one else will pick, then change the lyrics slightly. Eg: “Now you’re my premolars that I just let go.”
How it raises awareness: Karaoke happens from the same places that dental problems do. Done.
Reaction to expect: It’s YouTube. All you’ll get is appearance-based criticism, stoned philosophising, and fights over whether Taylor Swift could beat up Camera Obscura.
–
Milk Moustache For Osteoporosis
What should your picture look like: Milk is nostalgic. It says things like “childhood!”, “bike rides!”, and “propeller hats!”. Dress in whimsical bright colours, and make sure you have a glass of milk in the shot. A bendy straw is best, even though this will create a logic paradox in the origin story of your milk moustache. Be fierce, but coy. Use the Kelvin filter.
How it raises awareness: There is an actual tangible link here: calcium is helpful in maintaining bone density. If this makes too much sense, use soy instead. #bonsoy #organic
Reaction to expect: “omg supa cewt ;)”
–
Elizabeth is a freelance writer with a focus on film, television and pop culture. She edits Subterranean Death Cult, has been published in Film Ink, Metro, The Punch, and Lip Magazine, and tweets terrible puns @ElizabethFlux.