Guam Just Gave Us All Some Helpful Tips On How To Survive Nuclear War With North Korea
Don't use conditioner following a nuclear blast. It will bind the radioactive material to your follicles.
In the latest news from the Sick, Sad World spinoff that we call our lives, the United States and North Korea are threatening each other with nuclear strikes. North Korea even released a statement announcing that the small US colony of Guam would be the recipient of its new long-range miniature nuclear warheads.
In response, Guam’s newspaper released a front-page story quoting a Homeland Security spokeswoman which stated that North Korean missiles could reach their shores in a cool 14 minutes.
Guam's newspaper: It would take 14 minutes for a missile from North Korea to hit the Pacific island pic.twitter.com/BO7tNmKCkf
— Axios (@axios) August 11, 2017
Guam authorities have also released a handy emergency fact sheet entitled ‘Preparing for an Imminent Missile Threat’, which is an informative and utterly terrifying read. The document is full of hints and tips to help the residents of the island prepare for, weather, and survive a nuclear strike.
I’m fine
The sheet is divided into three sections to help give people the best chances of surviving long enough to live in a Mad Max-style apocalyptic wasteland:
The preparation section advises making an Emergency Supply Kit, a Family Emergency Plan and finding some form of concrete shelter. Survivalists and, weirdly enough, Mormons, are all over this kind of planning and stockpiling, so if you feel like getting your dungeon full of tuna, you can be prepared.
Anyway I'm pretty obsessed with Nuclear Survival so here's some quick tips if you're scared and want to plan for piece of mind:
— Elizabeth DeLoria ? (@elizabethdanger) August 9, 2017
Look around your house. Find the area that's most central. You're aiming for the most mass between you and outside, so the most walls.
— Elizabeth DeLoria ? (@elizabethdanger) August 9, 2017
The during section seems to be an extended version of Stop, Drop and Roll, and it’s extremely un-encouraging. “Lie flat on the ground and cover your head,” it advises. “If the explosion is some distance away, it could take 30 seconds or more for the blast wave to hit.” It also warns against looking at the blast, because you could go blind.
Due to the nuclear nature of the hypothetical attack, if you manage to survive the blast the main goal is to then cleanse yourself of radioactive particles, which mainly involves lots of showering. A fun fact is that if you do shower, don’t use conditioner, as it will bind the radioactive material to your follicles. It’s also important to remove your clothing to keep radioactive material from spreading.
The main takeaway seems to be about finding adequate cover, such as the aforementioned concrete shelters. Basements or the middle of apartment buildings are key, while the top floor is particularly bad with flat roofed buildings, as the radioactive particles will gather there. As the document puts it: “remember the three protective factors: Distance, Shielding and Time”, which to be honest, sounds like good advice after a breakup too.
Apparently fallout is mostly dangerous for two weeks, which means it’s a good idea to stay in your makeshift bunker for at least a fortnight. After that you can venture out into the world and put into practice all the vital lessons you learned playing Fallout.