Eurovision 2014 Form Guide: Beards, Ballads, Bangers, And Bass Drops

Eurovision is like Christmas to me. While I appreciate onstage gimmickry as much as anyone, I take the songcraft very seriously. And so, here’s a useful guide to this weekend’s musical highlights (and lowlights), plus a bonus drinking game!

The list is necessarily selective, as 37 countries are participating this year. Alas, Andorra, Monaco, Luxembourg, Bosnia and Herzegovina, the Czech Republic, Slovakia, Morocco and Turkey are not heading to Copenhagen, but Portugal is back after having taken last year off and Poland returns after two years.

In a nod to Eurovision’s massive popularity in Australia, there’s a five-minute performance slot during the second semi-final (airing here on Saturday night), in which Jessica Mauboy will debut her specially written new song, ‘Sea Of Flags’. Here’s a sneak peek from the dress rehearsal:

Shame she’s not actually competing — ‘Sea of Flags’ is a decent song, although the chorus does sound a fair bit like ‘Just The Way You Are’ by Bruno Mars. Speaking of whom: Denmark’s entry this year — Basim’s ‘Cliché Love Song’ — is a hilariously blatant, off-brand Bruno Mars song.

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Power Ballads

Armenia’s entry, ‘Not Alone’ by Aram MP3 (yes, that’s the act’s name), is the current favourite to win. With piano, strings and a repeated “You’re not alone” line, it seems quite blah… Then, two minutes in, the bass drops!

‘Undo’ by Sweden’s Sanna Nielsen is also a highly fancied contender. I like the unusual four notes that begin the chorus, and Nielsen has a lovely crystal-clear voice.

Fans of Grizzly Bear or Fleet Foxes might enjoy Norway’s Carl Espen and his sensitive Nordic beardie ballad ‘Silent Storm’.

Spain’s Ruth Lorenzo competed in the UK’s The X-Factor in 2008 and says her song ‘Dancing In The Rain’ was inspired by England’s weather. LOL! It takes a while to get going, but has a killer chorus.

Conchita Wurst is the Austrian drag queen who’s caused so much controversy this year in conservative participant nations. But ‘Rise Like A Phoenix’ is a traditional dramatic ballad in the Shirley Bassey style, and she nails every note. If she weren’t so divisive, this could be up there.

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Bangers

I do love a good dance anthem with throat-searing diva vocals, swooshes, and beat-drops. But this year’s crop is quite uninspiring. Estonia’s Tanja is enjoyable but not ‘Amazing’, and Tijana’s interestingly raspy voice isn’t enough to save Macedonia’s ‘To The Sky’ from failing to launch.

However, Hungary’s answer to Drake, Kállay-Saunders, tries drum and bass in ‘Running’.

Ireland tends to oscillate between upbeat club tunes and whimsical fiddles and tin whistles. This year they’ve tried for both with ‘Heartbeat’ by Can-Linn featuring Kasey Smith. Does it work? I’m not sure.

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Guitar Heroes

Italy’s Emma Marrone needs to get a stylist who isn’t an embarrassing tryhard, but musically, her ‘La Mia Città’ (‘My City’) sounds a little like No Doubt-era Gwen Stefani.

If post-punk revivalist cuties with sharp haircuts and black outfits are more your speed, ‘Something Better’ by Softengine is Finland’s answer to The Killers.

Given their two founding members are pre-school teachers and they wear block-coloured outfits, Iceland’s Pollapönk have been compared to The Wiggles. But really, they sound more like US indie-popsters OK Go. ‘No Prejudice’ is tremendously catchy.

Meanwhile, there is a disturbing trend for fey folk-pop. ‘Is It Right’, by Germany’s Elaiza, is like Pink fronting a folk band, and every bit as awkward as that sounds. The Micallef siblings from Firelight sound like Mumford & Sons in Malta’s ‘Coming Home’. But Switzerland’s Sebalter pull out all the banjos and whistles on ‘Hunter Of Stars’. They must be stopped now.

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Into The Bin

While it’s nearly impossible these days to get nul points, some songs are total rubbish. Belgium’s Axel Hirsoux is a big cuddly wussbag who caterwauls about his mum.

Apart from drifting in and out of tune, Israel’s ‘Same Heart’ has an unfortunate subtext considering the Palestinian situation (“I will take it without any regrets…”). Also, I actually LOL’d at Mei Finegold’s histrionic delivery of the lyric “I’m not a person in captivity!”

Latvia’s entry is ‘Cake To Bake’ by folk outfit Aarzemnieki, whose frontman Jöran Steinhauer is actually German and has the same weaselly look as James Blunt. This insufferable song sounds like something commissioned by an advertising agency.

“Mix some dough/Add some love/Let it bake/Wait for a minute.” How about a good slap upside the head instead? In the same dreadful culinary category is ‘Cheesecake’ by maraca-wielding Teo from Belarus, which features lyrical clanger after clanger, culminating in “I look over Google Maps trying to escape/Cos I’m tired of being your sweet cheesecake.”

Russia’s entry ‘Shine’ by the Tolmachevy Sisters is lame, too. I hope Vladimir Putin doesn’t set his goons on me for saying so.

They won Junior Eurovision in 2006, but the song itself is a dreary midtempo number that sounds like a rejected Bond theme. “Can you be a masterpiece of love?”, they ask. No.

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Gimmicks and Novelties

As Simon Copland wrote yesterday, Eurovision has a reputation for progressiveness and provocation when performing gender and sexuality. Poland has gone the Slavsploitation route with ‘My Słowianie – We Are Slavic’, a cross between ‘Milkshake’ and ‘My Humps’.

I was expecting to hate ‘Moustache’ by France’s Twin Twin, but this dance ditty about wishing you could grow facial hair is actually lots of fun — one of my favourites in the competition.

Georgian prog-jazz band The Shin has joined forces with singer Mariko for the seriously kooky ‘Three Minutes To Earth’, which sounds like something you might find in the back of your parents’ record collection.

‘Tick-Tock’ by Maria Yaremchuk of Ukraine might be my favourite song in the whole competition. With its whistle motif and handclaps, it has the same jaunty feel as Nena’s ‘Satellite’, which did so well for Germany in 2010. But what if it wins and everyone has to go to war-torn Kiev next year?

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Bonus Eurovision Drinking Game! 

Drink when you see any of the following:

– Strobing lasers (two drinks if lasers accompany a dubstep bassline)

– Pyrotechnics (smoke machines, showers of sparks, etc)

– Lighting gimmicks (handheld lights, illuminated costumes, etc)

– Wind machines (two drinks if hair blows into mouth or skirt blows up to reveal underpants)

– Cages or industrial scaffolding (two drinks for ‘Glass Cases of Emotion’)

– Gimmick cameo performers who have nothing to do with the song (like Ukraine’s giant last year)

– Onstage costume changes (skirts, jackets or capes ripped off, costumes used as props, etc)

– Backing dancers in full-body catsuits (two drinks if catsuits are sequined or feathered)

– Giant fringed epaulettes

– Fingerless gloves

– White pants (two drinks if white is teamed with gold or silver)

– Military or taiko percussionists (two drinks if singer also does the drumming)

– Diva hand gestures in a ballad (fluttering near face, sky-pointing, fist-pumping, etc)

– Singer squats in wide stance as if about to poo on stage.

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Eurovision 2014 is screening on SBS1 in four parts this weekend:

Semi-Final 1: Friday May 9, 8:30pm
Jess Mauboy’s Road To Eurovision: Saturday May 10, 7.30pm
Semi-Final 2: Saturday May 10, 8:30pm
Final: Sunday May 11, 8:30pm

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Mel Campbell is a freelance journalist and cultural critic, and author of the book Out of Shape: Debunking Myths about Fashion and Fit. She blogs on style, history and culture at Footpath Zeitgeist and tweets at @incrediblemelk.