Business Thriller Milquetoast Deathmatch

Hollywood loves a thriller in which a talented yuppie dude who yearns to transcend his humble background gets trapped in a web of business intrigue. In cinemas now is Runner Runner, in which Justin Timberlake is enticed to work for shady entrepreneur Ben Affleck. And earlier this month in Paranoia, Liam Hemsworth became a pawn in a battle between rival tycoons Gary Oldman and Harrison Ford.

The only thing more fun than watching these milquetoasts getting sucker-punched by charismatic, ruthless mentors and their thuggish henchmen is wondering what would happen if they were forced to fight each other to the death, milquetoast à milquetoast, in a Hunger Games-style battle royale.

First, let’s meet our combatants. In alphabetical order:

THE CONTESTANTS

(in alphabetical order)

Adam Cassidy (Liam Hemsworth) from Paranoia (2013)

“Are you a horse or a dog?” enquires cockney tech tycoon Nicolas Wyatt (Gary Oldman) of his protégé. “A horse runs out of fear. A dog is motivated by hunger.” Adam’s a bit of both, agreeing to help steal a revolutionary new smartphone from Wyatt’s former mentor Jock Goddard (Harrison Ford), because otherwise Wyatt will indict him for fraudulently using his company credit card to pop bottles in da club.

Strengths: Lunkish bridge-and-tunnel good looks. Misplaced confidence. Loyal friends to do all the smart programming stuff.

Weaknesses: Unbelievably dumb. Panics and trashes his apartment when he suspects it’s being surveilled.

Jake Moore (Shia LaBeouf) from Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps (2010)

Up-and-coming Wall Street trader Jake wants to raise money for a clean energy project, but is caught in the meltdowns and recriminations of the impending GFC. He also foolishly tries to reunite his fiancée Winnie (Carey Mulligan) with her estranged dad, disgraced-but-still-cool stockmarket raider Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas).

Strengths: Curiosity. Tenacity. Refuses the status quo. Can ride a motorbike really fast.

Weaknesses: Idealistic belief in fairness. Yearns for a father figure. Regularly ignores such massive red flags such as, “He’s not who you think he is, Jake!” and, “There’s so much you don’t know, Jacob…”

Kevin Lomax (Keanu Reeves) from The Devil’s Advocate (1997)

Wooed from Florida to join a New York law firm headed by the charismatic John Milton (Al Pacino), Kevin blithely ignores evidence — from his evangelical Christian mother, his increasingly deranged wife, and various naysayers who all end up dead — that his new boss is the Devil himself. “Satan?” Kevin says uncertainly. “Call me Dad,” says Milton.

Strengths: Courtroom rhetoric. Half-demonic nature. Ultimate realisation of his own free will.

Weaknesses: Professional pride. Confusion over whether things are real or hallucinations. Lusting after an attractive colleague who’s also his infernal half-sister.

Milo Hoffman (Ryan Phillippe) from Antitrust (2001)

Milo’s a Stanford graduate running a software startup when he’s headhunted by Gary ‘Basically Bill Gates’ Winston (Tim Robbins) of NURV (which stands for Never Underestimate Radical Vision – LOL!). Milo soon realises Gary’s quest for market domination extends to spying on and stealing ideas from brilliant programmers, and then having them murdered. “You’re either a one or a zero. Alive or dead,” says Gary.

Strengths: Good at infiltrating security systems and clandestine databases. Can make DIY bombs using alarm clocks and chemistry kits.

Weaknesses: As noted on Winston’s Evil Surveillance Database: “Catastrophic allergy to sesame seeds”.

Mitch McDeere (Tom Cruise) from The Firm (1993)

In the top five of his class at Harvard Law, coal miner’s son Mitch is in demand, but can’t resist the big bucks and perks offered by Memphis-based Bendini, Lambert & Locke, and his suave mentor, Avery Tolar (Gene Hackman). But, much like the Hotel California, you can leave this mob-affiliated firm… just not alive.

Strengths: Gymnastic abilities – Mitch can do running backflips, leap across escalators and secrete himself against ceilings. Lateral thinking – he navigates a completely legal path between his evil firm, their gangster clients and the FBI.

Weaknesses: Not to be too blunt, but… pussy. Mitch falls for a similar honeytrap to the one Richie Furst uses to blackmail a potential business affiliate in Runner Runner. Speaking of whom…

Richie Furst (Justin Timberlake) from Runner Runner (2013)

Son of a no-good New Jersey gambler, Richie was a GFC casualty at his brokerage firm, so is financing a Princeton Master’s degree by promoting online poker, until Costa Rica-based gambling racketeer Ivan Block (Ben Affleck) offers him a sweet gig. Of course, it’s too good to be true.

Strengths: Looks great in a slim-fit shirt. Has the nerve to bet his last dollar. Charms his way through tense situations.

Weaknesses: Hilariously bad poker face. Constantly betrays milquetoasty eagerness, obvious lust for Ivan’s girlfriend Rebecca (Gemma Arterton), and a five-year-old’s awe at Ivan’s Gatsby-esque parties.

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And The Deathmatch Begins… Now

The contenders coolly size each another up, though Richie looks panicked and is sweating through his shirt. Kevin starts to pace – he’s going into courtroom mode! Adam’s looking confident – but wait! Mitch leaps up and grabs onto a ceiling pipe! This nuggety little guy is swinging from it like he’s going for Olympic gold in the parallel bars!

Mitch is swinging, swinging, swinging his feet towards Adam, who’s just standing there dully. How can this kid not figure out what’s going on?

And Mitch kicks Adam with both feet to the chest! Adam’s head smacks back against the wall! He leaves a gory smear as he hits the floor like a sack of potatoes! Will he get back up? Mitch launches himself into the air, oh!, and he lands on Adam’s neck! Blood sprays from Adam’s mouth! Whoa, his head is not on a normal angle. Adam is outta this match!

Where’s Jake going? Oh, he’s back in the arena – on a motorbike! “Fuuuuuuuck youuuuu!” he’s screaming. None of these guys can catch him! He’s heading straight for Richie – why isn’t Richie getting out of the way? He’s just smirking. He can’t gamble with his life! He’s got to move! Jake’ll run him over any second…

And Richie dives aside at the last moment – oh my god, he’s been standing on a giant pothole! Jake’s bike tips forward! He goes flying! “Greed isn’t good, Jake,” taunts Richie. “The house always wins.”

But what’s this? A gorgeous lady in a skin-tight minidress and four-inch stilettos is entering the arena! She’s batting her eyes at our contenders. Richie stops dead, mouth open. His eyes are raking up and down her hot bod so fast it looks like he’s nodding!

Mitch and Kevin are eyeballing her, too – what is it with lawyers and women? What, Kevin’s down! While he was distracted, Milo has clocked him with a hard drive! He must’ve had it secreted in his hoodie. Kevin’s on his knees, blood running in his eyes, he’s groping in his jacket pocket for something…

And Milo’s stumbling backwards, gasping. What’s in Kevin’s hand? It’s a water pistol filled with… tahini? Milo’s already red and puffy. Talk about ‘open sesame’ – he must’ve caught it right in the eyes, mouth and nose. His pretty face is nearly unrecognisable as he topples over and lies still. He’s gone! What a demonic ruse from Satan’s son – now, that’s what I call the Anaphylaxis of Evil!

Wait! Jake’s stumbling towards Kevin! He’s in pretty bad shape, but he must have found some alternative energy. Kevin’s still wiping his eyes! He can’t see! “Dad?” he says.

And Jake goes apeshit! “Objection, hearsay!” he bellows, charging at Kevin who’s looking almost resigned. And Jake twists Kevin’s neck like he’s opening a beer! There’s no puff of smoke, but Kev’s definitely in hell now!

But now here’s Mitch! He leaps on Jake! He’s riding him like Jake was riding that motorcycle! He’s got him in a choke-hold with his thighs! Jake’s face is turning blue. He goes limp. He’s crashing like the Dow Jones! (Let me remind viewers, these guys are Not At All Gay!)

It’s just Mitch versus Rich now. Richie’s still hitting on the hot lady — what? They’re doing the salsa! This kid’s got some moves, and the chick is digging them. He’s a sitting duck for Mitch, though. The odds of Richie outlasting this vicious contender are about the same as hitting a runner-runner flush in Texas hold-’em poker. Four per cent, folks!

Whoa! Mitch is staggering back, clutching his gut. Ooh ouch, Richie’s stabbed him with one of her spike heels! Nasty. He yanks it out with an agonised grunt, and now they’re circling each other. They’re brandishing a shoe each! How is this going to end? Mitch is bleeding all over the arena!

But Richie’s face is betraying him again! He’s all in now, and Mitch can see he’s hesitating to get close enough for a second stab at winning. Richie’s gathering his courage…

And Mitch feints left! Richie dives in impulsively, but Mitch was just bluffing! Oh, he’s bowled Richie off his feet! He’s stabbing Richie repeatedly in the face, neck, chest! Richie folds!

And here’s our winner! The king of all milquetoasts is Mitchell Y McDeere, Esquire, Attorney-at-Law! He had the brains. He had the brawn. And he didn’t need helpful friends, mad tech skills or selling his soul to get the job done.

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Mel Campbell is a freelance journalist and cultural critic. She is the founding editor of online pop culture magazine The Enthusiast. Her debut book, Out of Shape: Debunking Myths about Fashion and Fit, is out now.