All The Things I Thought ‘Baby Driver’ Was About Before I Saw It
We are shocked to report that this is not a sequel to either 'Drive' or 'The Boss Baby'.
The internet is already buzzing about Baby Driver, cult director Edgar Wright’s hotly anticipated new action film starring Ansel Elgort, Kevin Spacey, Jon Hamm and a host of other famouses. And for good reason: the trailer is banging and Wright has an excellent track record for creating brilliant films (Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz, World’s End, Scott Pilgrim vs the World).
I saw the film last night, and it was great. But there’s just one thing: the name. The movie is actually, really, seriously called Baby Driver, which is probably the most ridiculous name for a film in the history of naming things. And while I know what Baby Driver is about now, I did spend a great deal of time speculating about what could be involved in a film called, of all things, Baby Driver.
So, without any further ado, here are all the things I thought Baby Driver was about before I saw it.
Baby Driver: A Man Who Drives Babies
Starring: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, Zendaya, Mila Kunis, Justin Long, Josh Charles and Michael Keaton
Directed by: Guy Ritchie
Jerry (Johnson) is a retired bounty hunter, famous in the crime biz for his impressive moves behind the wheel. When his daughter (Zendaya) has her first child, JJ, retired Jerry and a crony from his crime days (Long) are tasked with driving him to and from the daycare centre, run by the beguiling Gena (Kunis). When the locals hear about Jerry’s driving service — safe driving for your precious little ones — they join the carpool, and before he knows it, Jerry is the Baby Driver.
Little does Jerry know, one of the babies he chauffeurs belongs to local tech billionaire Heath Tipton (Charles). And that baby has become the target for kidnapping crime boss — and Jerry’s nemesis — Tommy Rainbow (Keaton). Can Jerry foil Rainbow’s plan and save Baby Tipton before it’s too late? Will he woo the charming Gena? And can he get the babies to daycare on time?
There’s just one thing we know for sure… this summer, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson is: The Baby Driver.
Baby Driver: A Baby Who Drives Men(/Women)
Starring (the voice talents of): Andrew Garfield, Alison Brie, Miranda Hart, Ricky Gervais, Idris Elba and Helen Mirren
Written and Directed by: Phil Lord and Christopher Miller
This family-friendly animated film stars The Amazing Spider-Man‘s Andrew Garfield as Kevin, a painfully nerdy baby whose job is to drive the British Prime Minister (Mirren) from place to place. Kevin lives a pretty lonely and insular life with his roommate, a Baby Scientist named Jane (Hart). He’s broke, he’s friendless and he can’t get the Baby Waitress at the local fish and chip shop (Brie), to notice him.
It’s only when he’s caught up in the conspiracy plot of the century, involving businessman Nigel Warfeather’s (Elba) plan to take over Parliament, along with his bucktoothed, wise-cracking sidekick (Gervais), that Kevin’s life gets a lot more exciting than he ever imagined. Maybe a little too exciting!
Now Kevin has just 24 hours to rescue his boss and save the British Parliament from corruption — and all he wants is some fish and chips! But, when Kevin is thrust into action, he discovers the hero life suits him rather well. This baby really kicks ass!
Baby Driver will be in cinemas in time for Christmas. (Note: the film never explains why some characters are babies and some are adults. Don’t @ me.)
Baby Driver: The Sequel To Boss Baby
Starring: Alec Baldwin, Tobey McGuire
Written and directed by: Rick and Morty‘s Justin Roiland and Dan Harmon
Picking up 35 years after The Boss Baby, Baby Driver revisits Boss Baby (Baldwin) and his foster brother Tim (McGuire), revealing the fractures in their happily ever after ending. Though Boss Baby ended the original film choosing a shot at familial love over adult intellect and hollow success in the capitalistic world of BabyCorp (spoilers!), the years have worn both him and Tim down.
Their parents (Jimmy Kimmel and Lisa Kudrow) split in a bitter divorce. They lost the family home. They shared custody, but made the kids to travel between homes week-to-week; each parent shit-talking the other. Boss Baby’s newfound belief in the power of love was dashed, but it was too late to turn back. Puberty had hit. When the time came to move out, he’d lost his business acumen. Boss Baby couldn’t hold down a job. Now, 35 years old, he lives with his brother — in a run-down apartment Tim pays for on his single wage — reflecting on his glory days at BabyCorp.
Tim, heavy with the guilt of pleading with him to stay in the regular world as an infant, now spends his days motivating Boss Baby to leave the house. He drives him to job interview after job interview, coaching him into some version of his former self; but he can never drive him back to what he once was.
Baby Driver will be in cinemas until enough parents complain to get it pulled.
— This description has been supplied by Meg Watson, Junkee’s resident Boss Baby expert.
Baby Driver: The Oscar-Bait Prequel To Dirty Dancing
Starring: Kiernan Shipka, John Boyega, Bradley Cooper, Kristen Wiig, Emma Roberts, Miles Teller and Taraji P. Henson
Written by: Ang Lee
Directed by: Lee Butler
Before Baby met Johnny, she had her first love. Set in the tumultuous late 1950s, Frances “Baby” Houseman (Shipka), the daughter of a respected local doctor (Cooper), attends a high school that has just recently integrated black and white students. Baby is the perfect daughter — she gets straight As, she’s the head of the cheerleading squad, and she’s dating the respectable head of the Student Council, RJ (Teller). Baby’s parents are wary about the school’s integration, and RJ and Baby’s sister Lisa (Roberts) lead a protest against it.
Baby is dragged along, and there she meets Bobby (Boyega), head of the Black Student’s Union. Baby and Bobby fall head over heels in love, but fear they must hide their burgeoning romance from their friends and family, including Baby’s mother (Wiig) and Bobby’s mother (Henson), who helm warring factions in the town’s Integrated Women’s Association. The only way the pair can be seen together is if Bobby volunteers to drive Baby to and from school each morning. It’s in the car, with the top down and the radio up, where Bobby and Baby can truly be free.
Featuring stand-out performances from this stellar cast, this inventive and sensitive reimagining of the world of Dirty Dancing, directed by the acclaimed Lee Butler, will be in cinemas this winter — or, in just enough time to be considered for an Oscar.
Baby Driver: A Gritty Australian Drama
Starring: Xavier Samuel, Jai Courtney, Ryan Corr, Hamish Blake, Odessa Young, Toni Colette, and Ben Mendelsohn
Directed by: Neil Armfield
Jayden “Baby” Smith (Samuel) is the youngest son of infamous Melbourne crime boss Stucky Smith (Mendelsohn). For the Smiths, crime is a family business, and Baby hopes to grow into a hardened criminal like his brothers, Jimmy (Corr) and Jackie (Blake). But for now he’s just the lowly driver, transporting his family’s “product” (illicit drugs, weapons and other goods) around Melbourne, while avoiding the eagle eye of a local copper (Courtney) with a grudge.
However, when Baby is out on a mission, he nearly knocks down a beautiful young woman, Adelaide (Young), and her mother (Colette), at an intersection, and his life turns upside down. How can Baby live up to the family’s legacy when the love of a good woman makes him want to be good? Baby Driver is coming to an arthouse cinema near you, in limited release. Blink and you’ll miss it.
PS: this movie is inexplicably three-and-a-half hours long.
Baby Driver: A Sequel To Drive
Starring: Ansel Elgort and Ryan Gosling
A shot-for-shot remake of the movie Drive, starring Ansel Elgort as the Ryan Gosling character, and Ryan Gosling as the projected consciousness of the Ryan Gosling character. The entire film is soundtracked by College and Electric Youth’s ‘A Real Hero’.
Matilda Dixon-Smith is Junkee’s Staff Writer. She tweets at @mdixonsmith.