Student life is an eternal struggle between the heavenly powers of motivation and the dead-eyed, pot-smoking hobgoblins of procrastination. While some portion of the student body may side with the light (and no doubt believe that lectures are actually compulsory), only those of us who have gone to the Dark Side understand the truth of things.

Here are five such truths only the lethally lethargic will appreciate.

Due dates are just glorified buzzkills

Tutors like to go on about “self-directed learning” and “giving yourself plenty of time”, but you’re no blushing JAFFY; you know the score. The course guide, and all the prickly deadlines contained therein, serve no other purpose than to make your Netflix sessions less relaxing and more panic-attacky.

Luckily, you’ve developed the perfect counter-measure to this evil practice – the same counter-measure you use to keep track of your finances. Some people might call it “burying your head in the sand”, but I prefer tactical ignorance.

Studying isn’t as important as planning to study

Who said uni was difficult? With so much technology at your disposal, you can make this semester your bitch.

First, you put all your tutes and lectures in your calendar, making sure it syncs to your phone. Take that, mum and dad – who’s disorganised now? Next, you download all the online materials and sync them your iPad. What a boss move. Then you make a timetable of all the readings you have to do, stack the relevant books on your desk, and optimise your desk for revision, ensuring that your stationery is perfectly perpendicular to the wall. By this point, you’re feeling sorry for any student who isn’t you.

Now all that’s left is to start reading. But you’ve just spent an hour getting organised – surely that counts, right? Better take a break.

Any problem can be solved by waking up early and doing it tomorrow

It’s two in the morning. You have fifty tabs open, four references to go and zero fucks left. You hit save and put your overworked computer to sleep, figuring it must be about time you did the same. When you crawl into bed, the feel of the soft sheets is such a relief it nearly brings you to tears.

Next thing you know, you’re waking up to high-angled sunlight, which tells you two things: one, you don’t need an alarm clock so much as an alarm truck that will dump you into the sea should you hit snooze too often. And two, you’re fucked.

Completing any task is a huge accomplishment

If you didn’t want to do something, but you did it anyway, you’ve earned a nice break. It doesn’t really matter whatit was; washy indicators like “word count” and “final grade percentage” can’t compare to the concrete benchmarks of “this was really boring” and “this took me two hours of browsing and half an hour of work”.

Maybe you’ll just watch an episode of something. Also, you’re feeling a little wired – maybe a drink wouldn’t hurt? You’ve earned it after all, and it’s five o’clock somewhere! Hey, Netflix just added a movie you might like, wonder what that’s all about…

Getting an extension = license to chill

Between gasps, you manage to blink away enough panic-sweat to hammer out a breathless email to your tutor, desperately asking them to extend today’s deadline for a week, a day, a minute! Anything to relieve you of the crushing sensation roiling through your chest, squeezing the life out of–

Oh, they gave you the extension already? A whole week? Awesome! Man, what are you going to do with all that free time?

Business major, journalism minor and freelance writer, Joel pretends to be clever at La Trobe University in Melbourne.

(Lead image: Friends/NBC)